bi phase?

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

I hear a lot of people talking about bi being a phase before you are used to being completely gay.
I'm beginning to wonder if I'm not bi after all, but just completely gay.
But I am not so sure.
I mean, I have only ever gotten excited from kissing girls, and they are really the only thing I am sexually attracted too, but when I was younger I did stare whistfully at really hot guys. I even dated a guy...once.
and Jack Sparrow is freaking awesome to say the least.....
Is that normal for lesbians too?

I don't know where in that spectrum of bi-but-mostly-gay do I give up and just say I'm a lesbian.

How many people went through a "bi phase"?
How long did it last?

Lol-taire's picture

normal

Very, very few people fit perfectly the label they ascribe themselves.
All the current labels carry with them political overtones. So while a person might occasionally be attracted to members of the opposite sex in order for their primary attraction to the same sex to be taken seriously they do not identify as bisexual (especially if they're only interested in having actual relationships with same sex partners).

If you're not fussed about the political aspect to your sexual orientation, then don't bother with trying to settle on a definitive description of yourself.
I'm not saying "blah, blah blah don't label yourself", what I'm saying is ask yourself why you want a label, what the purpose of that label is and then chose/ don't chose a particular identity.

It's not about what's normal for lesbians (because there's no such thing as normal for lesbians anymore than there's such as a thing as normal for straight girls) it's about what you find normal. You already know who you're attracted to, a label won't help that. All a label does is tell the world what you want them to know about your sexuality.

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

The end of your first

The end of your first paragraph comes very offensive, unless you don't mean it like that. Then sorry, but dude bi people DO have actual relationships with either sex.

Lol-taire's picture

stick + wrong end = you

I think you've misunderstood.

What I am saying is that if someone is primarily homosexual, although occasionally they might find someone of the same sex attractive, they may identify as exclusively homosexual in order to have their actual relationships (as opposed to occasional feelings of desire) taken seriously by society. This is no longer as important a consideration because gay relationships are now acknowledged as existing by society.

In the 50s and 60s homosexuality was still a medically accepted pyschiatric disease (still listed in the DSM as late as the early 70s) and the treatment involved perhaps aversion therapy and the advice to get married quickly in order to normalise your desires.
In order to be a viable political force and to argue the case that homosexuality should a) be decriminalised and b) tolerated by society as a whole, then homosexuality had to be shown to be immutable and absolute; an identity not an action.

If early gay rights activists admitted that they had very, very slight bisexual tendacies once-in-a-while-maybe-after-they'd-had-a-few drinks-but-they-still-wouldn't-want-to-do-anything, then their arguement would be untenable.

Looking at it from another perspective despite her slightly abnormal obsession with Angelina Jolie my friend AC is straight, because the only feeilings of attraction that will ever be significant to her are her heterosexual ones (because they'll form the basis of her relationships).

This isn't about self-identified bisexuals. This is about homosexuals (or indeed heterosexuals) who may encounter some attraction over the course of their lives to people of the opposite (or same) sex, but would not want (or even be able to) persue a relationship with them and so are content with a label, that although not absolutely accurate, lets other people know what they want them to about their sexual orientation and behaviour.

electricity's picture

so... you are saying that

so... you are saying that some people mis-identify themselves as bisexual even though a relationship with one sex may not be as meaningful as the other... correct? but they have attraction, and they misunderstand this attraction, and then label themselves bisexual.

Lol-taire's picture

Not Quite

What I'm saying is that some people chose to indentify as exclusively gay/ straight despite some occasional attraction to the same/ opposite sex.

Because gay/ lesbian/ straight have a duel purpose in that they are political terms, although strictly speaking a person may experience minor bisexual attraction they will not chose to reflect these in the sexual indentity.

Also, a person may chose the label gay/straight based on which relationship and sexual encounters they actually want to pursue in the real world. The occasional attraction to the opposite/ same sex does not mean a person will actually want to act on those feelings. This is more true for hetrosexuals.

The downside of this is that if your in the midst of working out your sexual indentity, the labels you're given to chose from are not as clear cut as they initially seem.
You could say just chose bisexual but a) that's also a political term and b) you want whatever label you chose to reflect your real world sexuality and not just your sexuality in the mind (practise vs thoughts and fantasies).

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

OMFG, confusion. Ok, you

OMFG, confusion. Ok, you will have to figure it out yourself. Yes, there are lesbians and gays with slight attractions for the other sex, but if you like them about equally or wouldn't mind being with either you are bi. The Kinsey scale seems to work pretty well, give that a go, but if you are bi it doesn't mean you are just trying to justify your liking girls (you're a girl?) it might mean you are genuinely bi.

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

labels labels labels

Yup, mesa girl.
Perhaps I should just stick with Queer....

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

maianess's picture

that'd be a good concept for

that'd be a good concept for me....... i mean, i don't like the word (not the same ring as 'lesbian,' yaknow?) but it's less of a mouthful than 'non-straight.' still, though, no pressure to label (*coughi'mahypocritecough*)

Life is short: make fun of it.

deepspace87's picture

i kinda started bi, just

i kinda started bi, just cause i knew i was attracted to girls, but i wasnt sure about guys, so i kenw i was at least gay, but i didnt know if i liked the oposite sex too. i was physicially attracted to girls, and mentally attracted to guys, if that makes sense. i mean, i had always said, hey, that guys cute, but i have accepted now that it became more of a stereotypical attraction, like, well, that guy is seriously hot to most people, so ill see him that way too... well, i really am not attracted to guys at all now, and just call myself gay, cause i only am attracted to girls. so i guess it would be lesbian, but i hate that word, so i go with gay.

Never be afraid to stand up for whats right. If you lose your values, you've lost yourself, so dont let someone change you into someone you arnt. Don't be afraid of the punishment, Rejoyce in the freedom that let to it.

-Ruby-'s picture

"BI now, GAY later!"

(get it? like "buy now, pay later", hahaha!) Actually, some people genuinely find that during their lives they can have a spritual/emotional/sexual connection with one or more person of each gender, so "bisexual" would be the label that best describes them. This may or may not describe you. Firstly, just look at what you said about yourself:
"I have only ever gotten excited from kissing girls, and they are really the only thing I am sexually attracted to"
This sounds a lot like what a lesbian would say. But nobody can tell you what you are, only you can figure that out for yourself.
You said that you used to look at hot guys, and dated a guy. I have felt attraction to females practically my entire life, but i kept it a secret. In hiskewl i started dating/messing around with guys just like everyone else. Over 4 years, i made my way thru a variety of boys. I enjoyed spending time with many of them. But in romantic/sexual situations with a guy... something just didn't sit right with me. Something was missing. I developed a crush on a particular female in my life, and i wanted her so intensely for so long, that i could no longer deny that i have feelings for women. I called myself BI for about 8 months. Then I met a special girl and experienced a night of romantic passion, and everything fell into place. I felt whole and realized that being with a woman was the only thing i ever really wanted. The last few people i dated were female, and although i am currently single, I envision myself getting involved with another woman at some point in the future.

OK... i still look at guys and find some of them physically attractive. I still flirt with guys, find them charming, give them back massages, get little crushes on them sometimes. I could cuddle with a guy and maybe kiss him. But that's where it stops- i have no desire to be touched by men in a sexual way, and i have no desire to pleasure them in a sexual way. Ultimately, above all the physical/sexual stuff, i know that i could never care about a male the same way i care about a female. I love my male friends and relatives, and if i ever have a son i will be overjoyed. But i cannot have a male lover or boyfriend. That kind of heart-wrenching, painful, butterflies-in-tummy, poetry-writing, can't-eat, can't-sleep, all-encompassing romantic LOVE is something i only feel for females. Sometimes i get confused too, but deep inside me i know that i could only be with a woman spiritually/emotionally/sexually.

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

new found word

My friend came up with a new word that I think describes me perfectly

homoflexible

it's gay by label, but flexible to the other side
bi sounds so 50-50, and I really don't think that's me

I may just put a personal ban on labels and be done with it

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

Lamby cakes's picture

I didn't go through a bi

I didn't go through a bi phase but I did go through a "denying that I had any sexuality at all" phase. I called my self a nonsexual because sure I found people attractive but not in a sexual way. Then one day I thought about it and I liked girls.
It may not be like that at all for you but it was like that for me.

I think that it may be just a way for some people to ease themselfs into the idea of being gay.

"and what if they're right and it's darkest before the light."

electricity's picture

I've always thought of being

I've always thought of being bisexual as a transition-orientation. [But no doubt people are just plain-out bisexual, I think.] For example, some people have more of a struggle coming to terms with their orientation and come to conclusion slowly [as I have done over time.] And being bisexual has been a way for them to be comfortable with homosexuality, and then would eventually reach just being gay.

I've labeled myself as bisexual, and that could change; I'm young and have been growing my orientation identity over time, and even though I have had a relationship with a guy and liked it doesn't mean I'll want to in the future. Because I'm so up for having a girlfriend.

But this is not to be a stab... I don't think bisexuality is purely a "transition orientation" but I think it can be used as such.

Sydney's picture

GUESS WHAT!

A lady once wrote '' I dont see a myself as a Dyke, Gay, or Bi, I simply see myself falling in love for people who have a good heart.'' Anyway i just wanted to share that becuse i live by that. I dont lable myself Dyke, Gay, or Bi, i just love good humans in genaral. IF I HAD to lable myself I GUESS id just say bi..... :P

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

:)

You made my day! That sounds like something to live by!
and I really needed it today too
stupid insensitive people using gay as a word synomymous with stupid
and I wonder why I am so stressed out about labels.....

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

electricity's picture

that's actually a really

that's actually a really good way to look at it. My philosophy on being gay and such is it's not about the sex of the person sitting in front of, it's purely about that person, heart, soul, personality. That's what you concern yourself with. The gender and sex just kind of come along with the package [no pun intended].

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

exactly

The thing about being called a lesbian that bothers me is that it sounds like I don't like any man on the planet. Some guys (although pretty rare) are worth it. Johnny Depp for example. It's just that I would still like these guys more if they were girls.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

Toph's picture

It sounds like I could've

It sounds like I could've written this post! You share my words and feelings, and so now I don't feel so odd for thinking that way. Well, I had thought myself bi for a short awhile, but sharing my feelings with Oasis helped me realize that all the things I used to say pointed to lesbian. Yeah, I find a guy attractive but just the guy. Not his penis or his ass. I didn't want that. So, I think I just like the idea of the relationship, but not the sexual aspect of it. But a girl! Whoa, yeah, did it just get hot in here? Lol. I realized that despite my minor feelings for a guy, I realized that I could truly see myself happy with a woman. So, I decided lesbian sticks best to my feelings and desires. Also, the only reason I had fussed so much over a label is because it's what we use to describe ourselves to others. So I thought what i wanted others to know me as, and I realized lesbian, because if I did ever said I was bi, it was saying, "hey boys, I'm freeeeeeeeee!" And I didn't want that.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

Cleopatra's picture

I dunno if this will help

But this is much much simpler: straight or not straight/bent/crooked (haha). if you like the same sex, albeit you also like the opposite sex, then you arent straight. but if you solely like the opposite sex, then you are straight. as simple as that.

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. "- Lester Burnham, American Beauty

Duncan's picture

At first I honestly thought

At first I honestly thought I was bi, but I eventually went, well, I don't think that I'm even bi, because I really, really, really, really like guys and only kinda like girls. Lately I've been trying to see if things have changed, but I dunno. Prolly not. I just overthink things.

Courage is contagious... be strong, and soon you won't be standing alone.

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

dito

I overthink things too

My lesbian friends think I am a lesbian, and all but one of my bi friends thinks I am a lesbian
I am almost to the point of not caring either way
I definately think girls are just cooler, and definately easier to deal with in a relationship. I just connect with them better. So even if I do like guys sometimes, I don't know if they are worth the effort.
might change my mind

who knows

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

BlueDevilWannaBe's picture

i've yet to meet a real bi, actually

i started with the whole bi thing, and now 3 or so years later it's still something i think about. i've dated 4 or 5 guys, and i still find some to be extremely attractive from time to time, but i guess it's one of those things you gotta evaluate. my test was thinking "well, if i could have the hottest guy in the world, or the hottest chick in the world, which one would i choose?" i think most of the time bisexuals really aren't equally sitting on the fence, though, there has to at least be some leaning to one side or the other.

yesac's picture

hmmmm

i dont know what else to say other than that those 2 words always confuses me.
"bi phase"
ya making me think real hard! haha

dark raindrops's picture

thats all real deep...

i think the bi can be a phase or not but i generally think that the fact that homosexuality is labeled is awful. i hate to be weird or whatever you peoples think of me but in the ancient world, like ancient greek and early ancient Romans, homosexuality was not labeled, and sex was just sex. it didnt matter what the genders were. same thing with love. then when christianity came along, when it first started, they needed more people for their religion and said that sex that didnt make babies is a SIN. so homosexuality=bad and they slapped a name on it. that shouldnt reflect about how christians are today, its just whoever wrote that part of the bible or made it true way back when was a "genius" and made more people for the religion.

i dont think any love is less, and that it shouldnt have been labeled in the first place. then we wouldnt need to have the whole "coming out" and all the shit after. like marrige and whatnot. it should never have been labeled, and i mean its good that we are all looking inside ourselves, but come on, the media and society today can claim it as "wrong".

oh and cool fact: lesbian was named after the greek(i think) island of lesvos because sappho was a poet from there and was famous for her love letters written to her female partner. us americans misprounounceds the lesvos into lesbos and then TA DA LESBIAN. yeah.

---cydney

Machiko's picture

bi phase? yeah right

Well I’d say "some" people can go though a "bi phase" as you call it and in that case I kind of I’m. Well you see I say I’m straight but if I found some of the same sex and fell in love with them I wouldn't say that I’m gay, if you understand what I’m saying. Simply what I’m saying is that if you like someone sexually then that the end of the story, I hate that people try and put themselves into a category. For most people I wound say call yourself bi and you'll have no problem 'cos no matter who you fall in love with you can’t be conflicted because you weren't in that category. So when I said I was straight earlier I was lying to myself because I don't know yet and here's some thing I said to my brother one day "you're bi until further notice" basically you never know until you've found that person you want to be with.

~Machiko

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

all started when

This all started for me when two of be best lesbian friends said, "...I dunno, I was always warned about bi people...they will always dump you for a guy."
I know that sounds silly, but I really started questioning my label more after that.
I don't think that's what bi people would do, but I know SOME bi people who would do that. I don't want to be associated with that part of the label.
I guess I am 70% gay half of the time, and 100% gay the other half. So guys don't have much of a chance, at any rate, long term relationships with guys don't seem likely. At the same time, the L word is still scary to me.
I would far rather grow old and stay close with a girl. A guy would have to be pretty amazing to make up for it.
...and like I say, a lot of the time I feel 100% no ifs ands or buts lesbian!

Hence my label dilemma

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

jojojo's picture

"I don't know where in that

"I don't know where in that spectrum of bi-but-mostly-gay do I give up and just say I'm a lesbian."

my answer for that question: when you realize that "lesbian" sounds less wrong than "bi". And when you don't care about ruining your chances for a (superficial) relationship with a (superficial) straight/bi guy.

I've gone as "bi" for some time, and I go as "lesbian" now. one of the things that has changed is that I used to be intrigued by these identity quest issues and could not stop thinking about them, while now I just find them boring. No offense!

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)