What with not getting to write on here as much as I used to, I find it begrudgingly amusing the story my journal is weaving. My last entry reports on my love life, getting a boyfriend for the first time, and this one is about how he's cheated on me just a few weeks later! Admittedly, the hilarity is short lived, but still, I've always been one to laugh in the face of misfortune.
Actually I paint a slightly more dramatic picture than the situation deserves, but I'm gay so I'm allowed to get queeny now and again, especially when I'm in a mood. It was only a kiss after all, he didn't have sex with another guy or anything (or so I'm led to believe). He went out Wednesday night, the day he got paid, but I didn't get paid until Friday so I didn't have any money and couldn't go with him. I think it's the first time he's been out without me whilst we've been together. Anyway, he said this guy was chatting him up and he kissed him. This oh so noble admission didn't come however, until I pressed the issue. I asked him if he did anything with this guy and he swore on his life that he didn't. Then I asked him to swear on his aunt's life, and he refused and something about his body language just told me, and then he told me.
Now we start entering motion picture territory. It was raining outside, absolutely pouring. I stormed out and walked home in the rain. I mean Spielberg eat your heart out. And then I got home and my sister had locked me out and forgot that I was coming home today. Then I dropped my phone on the floor. Still pouring down I might add. You know when one thing just happens after another and it just gets on top of you, I just wanted to cry but refused. Far too queer even for me.
He text me on my soaking power walk home and said (and I quote), "Hey cum on it woz only a kiss babe sorry i mite c ya l8r then x"
To me that doesn't sound like a sincere apology. As I was typing the above though I reached for my phone and saw I had received another message which said, "Seriously babe im sorry didnt mean 2 hurt u thts y ive bin off wiv ya 2day coz of the guilt if u dnt wana b wiv me nw thts kool bt plz babe think twice x x x"
The funny thing is though whenever friend's have come to me with this dilemma I've always had the logical objective viewpoint. It was only a kiss. They told you, they apologised. Give 'em a second chance. I've never been on the receiving end, and in a funny way (there I go again) I'm kind of glad this has happened. It's opened my eyes to something I haven't experienced before, and it's one of those things you don't know how you're going to deal with until it happens to you. Like people don't know how they would react to cancer, or seeing someone killed in front of them. They just assume. "Oh, it wouldn't bother me." "Oh, I'd fall to pieces." As I always try to be objective in my decisions as best I can I am thinking to myself that it was just a kiss. But what I can't shake is the feeling of mistrust and wondering whether it WAS just a kiss or if there was something behind it. Unhappiness in our relationship perhaps? And now how am I supposed to not be worrying every time he goes out on his own? I hate jealous people and those that are overprotective and yet I can see myself becoming that now this has happened.
Hugs are thankfully received <3
P.S. I'm aware of how much this sounds like one of those Agony Aunt articles you see in the tabloid newspapers, but I don't care. My best friend was out clubbing, my sister was at a concert and my mum was round her partner's house, I had noone else to speak to!