maianess's picture

So. Cutter friend has a month in which she doesn't cut, tells me/other friend whenever she does, calls/e-mails as an alternative. It involved breaking my ultimatum that the guidance councilor would know by the end of the week. But she was really, really spazzed out about telling her parents. And I can't blame her, they're insane. But still...... and I don't know what we'll tell the councilor, either. Ugh. And on top of that, some other friends found out, including my best friend, who made it about her that she hadn't been told before (she didn't freaking notice when she wore a tanktop to school, and I mentioned to her that I saw marks!) And then she, who didn't notice and who found out through a friend, proceeded to try to take charge of what me and the cutter's other friend had been doing for a few weeks. Fuck, it makes me angry sometimes. And, I mean, she did apologize for the making-it-about-her thing, and I know she has the best intentions, but... it bugs me. Argh. Lately, it seems like everything she does bugs me. And I don't think I'm completely over her, either. Damn it.

Okay, so she's got a boyfriend. Again. Damn. Not so much because I wanted to be in his place--I still would, except, despite not being over her, I've pretty much decided I wouldn't date her for a while... a pretty long while...--but because she said she'd try it without guys. And no, I don't mean to full-blown lesbian, but... stay single for a while. Okay, I admit it, I got slightly jealous of her first bf just because of the attention he got, when I was supposed to be her confidant person and her crying shoulder... but I'm sort of needy when it comes to that. It's one of the many things that annoys me about myself. But I don't think it's as much that, as... I'm disappointed she couldn't make it single, I guess? I dunno, maybe I am jealous............ but I dunno. Disappointed would be the word here, I guess. Plus... insufficient? I think maybe I feel that (the non-clarity typical of my thoughts), I, as a friend, should have been able to keep single-ness good enough for her that she didn't have to run off to a guy. I know, it's ridiculous. But I always took friendships, this one in particular, very seriously, and in ours, it's borderline romantic, so... urgh. And this is the guy that she went out with twice (one of them was a rebound) and dumped almost immediately, and he still loves her. He's actually really, really sweet. I don't want her to jerk him around like this. Although there is always the possibility that she'll take it (him) seriously this time. I guess I should give her the benefit of the doubt. And I'll probably end up being supportive, whatever she does, because she's my best friend, plus I'm still sorta in love with her (argh!). But I'd just like her to see what I'm doing for her, and give me some fucking appreciation as a friend, for all the shit I go through for her and all her secrets that I don't tell anyone....... Ugh. Thank God I'm off school today. I'm probably going to talk to her later, and I don't know what to say. Yeargh. I'll go work on my madrigal, it helps me think.... (BTW, if anyone would be willing to write me a random set of lyrics for a madrigal or two, please lemmie know...)