Anonymous's picture

Here's another survey question for you guys. As with the other two questions, I'll be using a sampling of the answers in the Gay Like me book.

Do you consider yourself Totally Out, Partially Out or Totally Closeted? Why? What made you decide to tell all, to tell some or not to tell at all?

Answer with as much detail as you'd like.

dykehalo's picture

I would consider my self

I would consider my self partialy/totaly out. I'm jsut nototu to my mom and dad but my sister knows and i know at least my one cuzin who is gay she knows because she said something about it to me in the garage at christmas. I told people because i elt like iwas going to burst if i didn't. I was just so tired. I wasn't getting sleep or anything i was tired of hiding.

Inkblot's picture

Nose shut in closet door

I would say I have my nose shut in the door. Which is to say, a handful of people who are really close to me know, but nobody else, and I'm going to probably stay this way for a long time, given my age and situation. To further complicate things, I'm more or less completely out as gay. So, to come out as trans, I have to explain the whole lesbian-to-guy thing. Not fun. So, I will remain with my nose sticking out the door. It works for now.

Do I shock you darling?
-Sally Bowles, Cabaret

kartovla's picture

I'm partially out. All of

I'm partially out. All of the people that I care about know, I'm really open about being a lesbian, I just don't tend to randomly bring it up, and granted, I don't tell EVERYONE. If it comes up, it comes up, if not, why bring it up? Basically I've just stopped lying about it and faking it, but I'm still not introducing myself to everyone on the street as a lesbian. I'm good with that.
"the opposite of war isnt peace, its CREATION!"

lookin to the future...'s picture

partially out...

i am out to my mom, her partner, close relatives and close friends. my more distant friends, my dad, and my teammates. i have only told the people in my life that i know won't have a problem with it... the people who will be harsh with me about it... well, i haven't told them the truth yet because honestly... i'm scared! sad but true... i'm just not ready for complete rejection from some people yet!

Lol-taire's picture


Well, slightly strangely I'd consider myself totally out, but in reality I guess I am actually partially out (which sounds like when you make jelly and it falls appart when you turn the mould over- as though I'm an earless gelatine rabbit)

My family life is separate from my ordinary life, so they don't know but they don't count. My extended family will just never know, because I am a very nice girl and we all know that nice girls just aren't interested in sex with anyone; they're especially not interested in sex with other nice girls (or not so nice girls). We had all the family round for my 18th birthday and when I blew out the candles, I wished (a bit more sentimentally than usual) that one day they'd still want to come to my wedding (I know utterly nauseating).
My nanna will definately cut contact and some of the others wouldn't exactly be understading.

It's not like they'll rally the lynch mob or anything, so I'm luckier than most and some of them probably wouldn't mind (or would pretend not to), but even then I can't be doing with this whole 'acceptance' and 'toleration' business. I know I'm posting here, but to be honest I don't want to be know as The Lesbian; whether the tone is hostile or that smug, smothering 'understanding' I'd rather not bother. They don't need to know. My mum can tell them if she likes, but I won't. I'll have 'friends' and 'room-mates'. It'll be super-retro (like aversion therapy and Alan Turing's suicide...)

My nuclear family know, but not my brother and youngest sister. Mum didn't want them to know, she had different reasons than me but I wouldn't tell them yet either. The brother (aged 8) would probably blab to all his friends which would a) almost certainly get him bullied (because he's a bit of an odd kid anyway) and b) jeopordise my monoply as the Godfather of the babysitting circuit.

As for the real world, not everyone knows- not even all my friends- but it's not a secret it's just never come up and they're all to dense/ not even bothered to ask. Some of my other friends erroniously believe that because it's not officially common knowledge that they're not allowed to tell. But they can if they want and I wish they would.

This is why I consider myself totally out, because everyone I want to know does know, and the people who I don't mind about knowing (ie everyone except my family) I'd tell if they asked.

Well now, you said you wanted detail.

Ginger's picture

im totally out. completely

im totally out. completely and absolutely.
and it feels really good.
I mean, I'm not one of those people covered in pride stuff, or every other thing i say is about being gay, just because i dont think that is necessary.
the only way i would really say i was in the closet is through my artwork.
im at an art school, and although i make alot of art, its usually not queer in any way, actually i actively avoid anything that could be interpreted in any way as queer in my art.
I think its because people assume that if youre lesbian, that your art has to have those undertone. and i want to be free to do more than that. i guess what im saying is, im completely and proudly out, but im careful not to give people the opportunity to define me as queer instead of recognizing that its but a part of the definition of ginger.

(although i did make a print about being trans for my glm project, and even brought up in the class critique that it was based on my ex girlfriend, but i think that that might be the only time i do queer art for public)

my three wheeler rox's picture


Totally out at school and totally closeted at home. A few of my family members know but I don't think I'll tell my parents til I move out.

3 wheels are better than 4!

Do they react that way because of who we are or because of your personality?
"I like to think it's me."

Duncan's picture

lol I'm completely out. 3/4

lol I'm completely out. 3/4 of the school knows. And if someone asks I tell them. Except for a couple of distant non-immediate family members. But pretty well everyone in my life knows. lol hellz yea!

Guys are pretty confusing, and apparently drooling over them doesn't really break the ice...

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

partially out

I am completely and utterly out with my close friends (of whom only two are straight, so that makes it fairly easy), but not all of my family knows.
My grandparents are supposed to never know as part of an agreement btw my mum and me (but she agreed that if something comes up and they have to know, I don't have to lie). It's not worth confusing them, I guess.
My dad will eventually find out, but whether that is in a week or ten years I have no idea.
At school I flip between telling half truths and being a one-person pride parade.
It depends on who I am around.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

whateversexual_llama's picture

I am totally, completely,

I am totally, completely, and utterly out. Everyone at school knows, my mom knows, my whole family knows, all my friends know... I'm not sure how/when it happened, it just did. I am. Out. And lovin' it.

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

saving the last koala bear's picture

Partially Out

I tell everyone who needs to know (close friends/family), and I'm really open about being involved in my school's GSA (which, unfortunately, pretty much causes people to label us as all gay, when it's not necessarily true). But like the person above me, I've agreed not to outright tell my conservative elderly relatives--I don't need to upset them, I guess. Although I have no qualms about bringing a date of either gender to family events. :D

sam16's picture

99%Totally Closeted

I have told my brother, parents, and 1 friend that I knew would be accepting. I have tried to hint to a few people that I think are gay too, but havne't been successful. I haven't told anyone at school because my close friends at school are all very conservatitve christians, I really do think it would ruin the friendship with most of them...but I swear, they're good friends despite that! With my other group of closer friends, I haven't told anyone mainly out of fear. I told my family because I just couldn't bear not telling them, and the 1 friend because I needed someone to talk to and her sister openly questioned her sexuality and she has many gay friends--there was no risk involved. In college I plan to be much more casual about it, but for the time being, its just easier to be closeted, even though that closes up other social options....

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

subtle hints are frustrating

I tried to out myself with subtle hints for about a month, with very frustrating results. I had a large rainbow lanyard that I wore around my neck every day, and I made passing mentions that I go to the Queer group at my school. NO ONE PICKED UP ON THE HINTS!!! Now, I was trying to out myself to friends who know practically no other GLBT people, so I can understand that they might not clue in as fast as others, but still. It was frustrating.
I eventually resorted to a giant button that says QUEER on it.
I wore it and no one noticed, so I took to pointing to it and saying "you like my new button?". THEN they noticed.
They had no idea that I had been trying to tell them for weeks. They were completely shocked.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

Lol-taire's picture


Oh subtle hints are the worst. And even not so subtle hints.
When I had to tell one friend of mine I was like "I prefer Emmy ( to Jeremy ( ". Because its like this on going thing that all the girls are in love with Jeremy Walmsley and all the boys love Emmy the Great. But after ages of blank looks I just gave up and pointed at myself going gay, gay, gay, gay. Then he understood.

With another friend (who still has no clue) we were talking about another friend and I said "he doesn't have the monopoly on queer you know". Looking at him right in the eye. And he was just like "ha, ha good point".

Toph's picture

Partially Out

I've told my closer friends, but I had told them I am questioning. They don't know that I'm full out lesbian. A couple of my friends know that fact. I told one because I'll be rooming with her on a school trip, and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable if she finds out later if I decide to come out to my school. Another friend has a bunch of gay friends, so I figured he'd have no problem with it. I told my older brother because he needed to know in order to help me figure some things out in my life, and he edited my college essay about me being queer. But besides actually telling people, I don't think anyone knows. At times I am more bold and just blab things. For example, I was talking to a friend about starting a GSA. He asked what activities we could do, and I boldly replied, "Well, I'll be joining the gay and lesbian club at Truman, so I'll help you guys." I'll just say things if I'm in a bold mood, but I don't really see the big deal. So, I'm partially out, but I dunno if people already assume I'm lesbian. I dunno. I've been doing a lot of bold things lately.

~May the spirits guide your every assure you please her in all the right places XD

underdarkness's picture

Do you consider yourself

Do you consider yourself Totally Out, Partially Out or Totally Closeted? Why? What made you decide to tell all, to tell some or not to tell at all?

I am totally out. I told my friends some time ago and some didn't like it so word of my sexuality spread around school pretty quickly. I told my mom and dad about a year and a half after that who then told the rest of the family, so I'm entirely out of the closet.

The driving force behind me wanting to come out was simply that I didn't want to lie about it anymore. I was sick of pretending to be straight for the sake of everyone around me. If the world can't deal with me as I am then the world doesn't deserve me.

- One Nation, Under Darkness

Shenlong the Arcane's picture

Totally out. I just don't

Totally out. I just don't feel the need to broadcast it.

yep_im_a_stalker's picture

I'm in between Partially and

I'm in between Partially and Totally, mainly because no matter how hard I try to get people at school to understand that I'm gay, they don't seem to like comprehend it. At home I am. Not to my extended family, mainly because my grandparents are stuck in the "Gays are bad" mentality. So other than to my extended family, I am not in hiding. It's just people are too thick to get it.


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the ghost's picture


Well only one person in my life knows.I told her about two months ago.I really wanted to talk to someone in my own life,not just people on the internet, about how I feel.We are really good friends and I felt the fact that I was hiding it was driving a wedge between us because I was lieing to her all the time.Also she kept trying to set me up on dates with guys and it was making me really uncomfortable.Also she once stated in a conversation that sher wouldn't really have a problem if a friend was gay,she would hate them to hide it.So pretty much all that stuff combined pushed me to tell her.
I haven't told anyone else yet as I just can't seem to be comfortable enough with myself.I don't feel ready to be viewed as being different.I guess I like seeming like I feel part of the group.
Sorry if this was kind of babble but its kind of the way it goes around my head.
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

dreamers imagine someday's picture

I am partially out, my

I am partially out, my friends know, the whole school knows, but my parents and family doesn't know.

V is the bomb, he blows with anarchy!!!

Uncertain's picture

Partially Out

I've come out at school, there was this episode which everyone knew and was talking about it... then it died down and no one think its that big a deal anymore. My sister who lives with me knows, but my parents and brother who are overseas I don't intend to tell yet. Besides that everyone pretty much knows I'm one queer fag.

oldfoxbob's picture

out for the most part

to all family and friends I am out. To some public people and in public places I am cautious as to who I am out to.
Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense.

raining men's picture

Totally (sort of)

Totally with exceptions is how I define it. I will be out to anyone who asks or whatever, but with exceptions where its just not a good idea e.g. grandparents, one of my dram groups, chavs...

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"

Andrewgirl3's picture


I'm pretty much out to my whole school. In fact, I just founded and am the student leader of our GSA. I spend so much of my time outside school out, that I'm starting to feel like I have two identities. Once I enter school, mild-mannered Kyle Crossett turns into SUPER KYLE! Defender of the many lettered acronym! My poor parents have no idea.

QuakerOats's picture

I don't think there's a

I don't think there's a totally out, unless you're wearing a shirt that says I"M GAY's just a matter of being open about it when it comes up, not hiding, and so on. It's not the most important thing about me. I guess I decided to come out partly because I felt kind of stifled and deceitful when the important people in my life didn't know about it, but also because when you're hiding something, it becomes HUGE, all you can think about is how would so and so react, how should i tell someone, what if they knew, which is just ridiculous because there are better things to think about.

pink hair on girls's picture

I'm totally closeted.

I'm totally closeted. completely. it really sucks. but, i plan to come out, eventually. first i have to be completely sure of what sexuality i am, gay or bi. i think i'm in between, which is hard to explain because to most people it just weems like bi, but that's not what it is.
I think gay marriage should be something between a man and a woman! -Arnold Schwartzenegger

deepspace87's picture

Im gonna say that I'm

Im gonna say that I'm totally out, although probably only 10 people know. But those 10 people are the people i truly care about knowing. All of my close friends know, which is the only thing that matters to me. "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who matter dont mind, and those who mind dond matter" --Dr. Suess. I just feel that if i want someone to know, i will let them know. but if i have a friend who doesnt know ask me if im gay, i have a VERY strong policy with myself against lying to my friends, and it may be hard, but i'll tell them the truth, and let them know whats up. So, although the world doesnt know, only a small handful of people, i consider myself compleatly out to those who matter to me

"Never apologize for saying what you feel. It's like apologizing for being real."

my life is your lie's picture

Im partially out. Some of my

Im partially out. Some of my friends know and most of my family knows. I told them because i am tired of not being myself and was tired of trying to live up to the "standard" of a striaght guy.

Fox's picture

At school I'm partially out.

At school I'm partially out. I had a flash with some gay pics/vids on it, and this dude who I had been arguing with went in to my dorm (I go to boarding school) while I was out, stole it, went through it then preceded to tell everyone, so there's alot of rumors going around right now, but most people beleive it's true. I told some of my friends before that just because it was something big going on in my life, and I wanted to talk about it.

I get shit occasionally, but my friends look out for me alot, and one of the highlights of my life was this kid said to me, "Hey MacLeod, I always know you're around cause there's the smell of cock in the air," and I said, "Oh? So you're familiar with the smell of cock?" and he said back, "you're a faggot and everyone knows it." I was about 10 feet away from him at the time, there were a bunch of people around watching, and I tackled him as hard as I could, and threw him to the ground, people were in tears laughing and he's never made any cracks about my sexuality since.

maianess's picture

Pretty damn out

I'd say totally out. Pretty much all of my friends know, and they're really cool about it; we discuss gayness freely, joke about it, they give me do/marry/kill with girls.... it's a good thing. And I act really gay in school anyway, so I'd be surprised if people haven't noticed there. Well, not wife-beaters-no-leg-shaving gay, but, like, I give speeches on gay slurs, I wear a pride ribbon, I asked about Beethoven being gay when we talked about him in music... stuff like that. And the parents know. I get the feeling my mom is a tad uncomfortable, but mostly it's fine.

Life is short: make fun of it.

FearNotTheQueer's picture

I'm so far out i lost sight

I'm so far out i lost sight of my closet

evilgeinus1988's picture


C'est moi.. I am a bisexual and proud of it but i am only partially out. I am sort of afraid to tell family members because they will have funny reactions.

Grace Hughen's picture

On a scale of one to completely out...

(Which is totally a number)... I'm probably hanging around "Out but doesn't make it a public affair." What that means is, I'm out to the entire school (or anyone who's on Facebook who has access to that part of my profile, which basically means anyone from my network), but I don't talk about being in love. If I were straight I still wouldn't talk about being in love. In the real world I'm very discreet about my personal affairs. I'm like another mother to most of my friends, so I don't really have the right to burden them with my problems. If I do accidentally tell them something that is bothering me, I make a joke of it and brush it off. They overreact whenever I say anything, which is another reason why I'm disinclined to tell them things. As a result, I know everything about my friends and they know nothing about me save for the fact that I'm the token lesbian friend to complete the Randomly Thrown Together By Fate set. (That's what I call my group of friends. We're interesting but even I don't know how or why we formed the group.)