choir today. picture this: 4 seniors sitting in the back row. sean, mike, me and jake. i swear to god they are all gay if, you know, they weren't FUCKING THEIR GIRLFRIENDS EVERY FRICKIN' NIGHT! i mean, jake slaps me on the arse. i go "hang on, let me tense up so it feels muscular" so he spanks me again, and everytime i tense my arse cheeks more, he does it again. it got to the point where mike and jake both had their hands on my arse. jake then goes "oi feel mine." so i do and it is fuckin SOLID. he then told me how to get a muscular arse, and btw u apparantly have to do heaps of squats. i mean, what am i supposed to do? i get mixed messages all the time. i am given physical attention, then it gets snatched away. i know it just a hetero thing, but it pisses me off. i don't want sympathy, but can anyone understand how frustrating it is?
and bloody mike is pissing me off too. i get told that i'm someone he hopes to be friends with for the rest of his life, yet i get ditched all the time for his other jock friends. i mean, make up your fucking mind. i'm either your friend or i'm not. don't fucking ditch me all the time, or tell me that you'll pick me but never do. he didn't say one word to me the other day at this swim carnival i was doing leadership stuff at, eg cheer leading. he had a whole day to say hello, yet he never did, even though at one stage he was right behind me talking to a jock. bastard. however, i'm not making things easy for him all the time. i play hard to get (in the most strained sense of the phrase) but looking up at him and not returning a smile, or looking straight past him when he stares at me. he's such a cunt playing games with me. i reckon he's got to fucking know i'm gay and have this major thing for him, is he blind and fucking deaf? is he just toying with my emotions & playing little mind games, or does he enjoy the attention i give him? he must recognize that the attention i give him means something more.
i'm so tired mentally. i believe i'll finish off my art essay, which i got the extention for btw. good nite friends and lovers.