how i'm probably in love

ACCgirl's picture

There is nothing but McLachlan’s Adia in my head right now. I am trying not to think about her - that girl I've gotten to know so ridiculously well. The truth is—funny how I invariably tell the truth to myself in writing, if nowhere else—that I saw a video on YouTube tonight, randomly, with two girls standing in a bluish dim room, looking at each other. There was this excruciating tension, the way they looked at each other, with the purest kind of want you can imagine. And then one moved toward the other, and as though it was the most natural gesture in the world for both of them, they put their arms on the other’s body. They kissed the sweetest kiss. I felt like dying. I felt like if this girl I know didn’t do something soon I would implode with desire.

Of course it is probably not the case that I want this with her; most likely, I am suffering some hormonal surge and it’ll pass with a little time. It just seems that when she’s near me nowadays I can’t handle the tiny distance between us anymore. There is this wall in her emotions, shutting me out despite whatever her heart is telling her. I look at the notes in my guitar book, and she breathes next to me, her sweatshirt touching mine. I want to turn and hold her. We’ve held each other platonically so many times already – I feel farther away than ever now.

The label “FRIEND” is indelibly scrawled on my forehead, and I’ve been scrubbing and scrubbing at it and testing her and groping around in the dark but I’m caught up in the web of uncertainty. She likes me. Somehow I sense it. It’s little more than intuition, but it’s there, like a tiny siren in my head when we’re talking about our feelings or when I catch her watching me when no one’s looking. I just need some sort of indubitable confirmation and I’ll act. I’ll act.

Meanwhile, a brighteyed boy has clumsily asked me out. I have accepted a date for Friday, where we’ll awkwardly go to a movie and come back to the dorm. I don’t know how I feel, except that I wish it were her in the dark of the theatre with me, but not in the same way it’s been along. I would reach over and take her hand if I knew it wouldn’t derail our friendship and cast a cloud over our feelings. I think as it stands, my reaching for her hand would mean disaster. The boy has no idea what he’s flirting with. The girl has no idea what she’s cruelly whipping around like a Chicago windsock.

I love her more than the disgust she plants in my belly.

Comments

electricity's picture

you write reeeaaalllly well,

you write reeeaaalllly well, just wanted to point that out first.
i have felt that sort of tension, to some degree, anyway. where i just see her and get this knot, like i just want to reach out and kiss her. and whenever we get close i get these ridiculous butterflies going crazy inside my stomache.

however, i wish i was sure that the girl i like liked me back. and i wish you luck with finding that indubitable confirmations and acting on it.

niks121997's picture

Long time

Ironic how I was thinking about you earlier today and here you are posting. Er...that may sound creepy, but I swear it's not. :)

It's rather awful, uncertain I mean, especially if you don't want to run the risk of ruining what you already have. Yet there is something to be said for trusting one's feelings. I don't know. I tend to agree with the statement "Live with no regrets" though I'm not sure it applies; I'm sorry you're frustrated/hurting/any other word that goes here.

It's good to hear from you.

yesac's picture

liking your post a lot

This is a really great post, mostly because i can relate right now.
you know that feeling when you're being pulled on the strings to the limit. and you really just want them to give you the straight out sign that either says "I WANT YOU" or "SORRY"
whatever the outcome is i hope it turns out well for you!

the mouse that roared's picture

:)

Now I'm going back and reading your old ones... must have just missed you on these days...

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day