Journal #3: background on crush

electricity's picture

I suppose I want to get this down to form a spine of what I might write later, so maybe the "plot" and "build-up" is a little more clear.

I almost feel a little ridiculous writing about a crush in an online journal, but I don't have anywhere else to share it besides my own mind, and it's nice to be able to see it on a new screen, you know?

And if you have any feedback, please share. Part of the reason I use this journal is to get a little feedback that might lead to some answers.

So here's the story: [warning, this is dangerously long]
My crush was not immediate; we were friends first. I think interest sparked lightly before, but I for some reason put it out. But the more time I spent with her, it grew.
She does NOT know that I am bisexual and does not know I like her.

We have always been comfortable with eachother and hug often and say "I love you" all the time. We look eachother in the eye often, but I've never felt a "connection" back from her [like one to kiss.] But it's always been on friendly terms.

Our first "close moment" [I guess you could call it] was when we were sitting in the back of our friends car [the two of us in those particular seats], facing the back, and about to go down a "scary road." It was us two and about five others. I was anticipating being frightened so I told her to hold my hand. Needless to say, she did. And it was very comfortable, and didn't feel "half-assed" if that makes sense. Even though the road wasn't scary at all, we still held on, and even a little bit on the way home. She said "you still scared?" I said "no, we're done" [i let go] her reply: "not that I mind..." mine : "not that I mind either..."

Not long after that [a week, maybe] we hung out practically all weekend with friends and such. First occurance was at my house. I think we were more huggy that night than any other, actually. [We all think she's the most adorable thing ever and always feel like hugging that crap out of her, so that's probably why she thinks I'm doing it, even though there is more involved.] Anyway... I decided to invade the space of her and our other friend who were sitting on my love-seat couch. She gave me room on her lap and then rested up against my shoulder, even though leaning back towards the couch would've been easier. So for all the five minutes we continued this she was rather cuddly. And during she says: "I feel rather lesbonic doing this, just without the feelings." Ouch. I don't know if she said that because two of our friends were around, and she wanted to justify it, or what, but it was a wierd comment to make.

The next night, her and I went to a friends house to watch a movie. I had my legs plopped over hers while pretty much lying down. She decided she wanted to put her legs up on the couch as well, and when she did it put her at an angle towards me. Sometimes, she would rest down on me and get close and cuddly and I would rest my head up against hers [sign of acceptance.] But she would only stay like this for a minute or two and get up on her elbow, which I could tell was uncomfortable. I'm not sure if she was afraid of invading my space, or if she was afraid it looked bad in the eyes of our friend [did I mention she repeated the comment she made earlier?], or if she really just didn't want to be that close [which I kind of doubt due to her track record.]

Nothing as "intimate" as that has happened since, and last time we hung out not much happened at all, which you'll know about if you read my previous entry. However, hugs are still frequent as well as I love you's and all that.

As for recent events: before she left for a short few day camp she called me at ten minute break during school and asked me where I was and spotted me out across the quad. She was in search of one of our other friends [who happens to be her bff even though we're a group of bfs], whom she didn't find, but when I saw other friend I asked if she had called and she said "no." So it may be small, but I'm in taking into consideration that she called me first and didn't call the other at all. Haha, probably overthinking, but I like to think it something special.

This is really long, and I could actually probably add more but it would be small details. These are the major hints, really.
And if you have feedback, that'd be great!


thoughtgoddess's picture

I think it really has to do

I think it really has to do with if you are willing to risk rejection by her in order to see if she'd be interesting in a relationship. If not, or if you don't think she'd recipricate your feelings, it's probably better to not mention it to her and just continue on as you are as good friends. I mean, there's the remote possibility that she'd dramatically distance herself from you if you told her of your feelings, and on the other hand, if you keep quiet, you'll keep her friendship and seeing her all the time but without the chance of it developing into something more. I guess it comes down to if you value the idea of her more or the idea of taking the chance for a girlfriend more. And I'm totally not saying not to go for it and tell her, just to fully consider the reaction she's possible to have.

electricity's picture

yeah, i don't think i'll say

yeah, i don't think i'll say anything to her. i haven't really thought of telling her at all, actually. maybe that i'm bisexual, but not that i like her. i'm sort of hoping that if she did like me there would be some kind of clue, besides actually saying it. some action [like kissing, which is just wishful thinking and probably not realistic] that would say "hey, i like you too."

the only thing i've really thought of doing was saying "(person), i like you" and presenting it in a way that could mean friends, and see how she twists that. you know? like if she went "like you as how?" i would say "just how it sounds." so it's like telling her without telling her i guess. haha, i don't know i probably wouldn't say that though.