Late night with Damon

Damon's picture

I worked 'til about 10:00 last night. The coffeeshop closes at 9:00 but there was a lot of clean up to be done. The fryer gets changed every Tuesday in case the fish from the Friday fish special starts to make the fries taste like clam chowder.
Mom came in after she got off work and had a cup of coffee. I guess she was checking up on me to make sure the folks there were planning to keep me. I introduced my mom to Bessy who owns the place and as I worked they kept nodding and smiling in my direction so I guess everything is OK. The only words I caught were something about "Was his daddy tall?"
I have heard that all before. I guess I get my height from my dad because mom is only 5' 6" tall. Dad was 6 feet four inches tall.
The house is coming along pretty well. Mom bought some draperies for the dining room and painted the kitchen with the help of Paul and Chucky. I think Danny helped with the trim.
The more I think about being gay, the more anxiety I have about how it will all work out in the sceme of things. I am sure not ready to come out to anyone especially my family. Somehow I just think telling anyone that I might be gay would make me look weaker and less masculine. That is one thing I really don't understand. Most gay guys I have read about and seen, hate sports, love fashion, like to be around girls for company, are really outgoing and Like to dance.
I love soccer, don't really care much what my clothes look like, would much rather be around the guys than a bunch of girls, I'm very shy and can't dance at all.
All the stereotypical gay attributes seem to leave me cold. I'm glad I am a guy and very pleased with the body I have except that I would like to gain some weight. I have yet to come across a gay guy that doesn't immediately strike me as effeminate in some way. Is that gaydar or have I just met the wrong gay guys?
I like cars, motorcycles, trucks and wood working tools. According to a recent article I read, about the only gay thing I do is play the piano, but then there are a lot of stright guys who do too. I don't have a lisp or weak wrist joints and people are alway telling me that I have a deep voice for a sixteen year-old. So what the Fu%#? Am I just going through a stage where I am curious about sex with boys or am I destined to develope all those silly habits.
If I were ever confronted with a gay sexual situation I'd probably have coronary heart falure. On the other hand I have had a few innocent encounters with a babe or two and not had a problem with it. Maybe getting what I finally wanted would be the acid to make me fall for a guy.

I will remain curious for the time being. I understand that is a valid and viable state to be in for a short period of time. When the time is up I guess I'll have to choose but I don't think I could ever be all pink and flashy like some gays guys I know, so what gay guy would want me?

Comments

Ampersand's picture

stereotypes

Those gay characteristics you mentioned are just stereotypes. I, for one, don't fit into any of the effiminate, gay stereotypes. I can understand your fear of developing them. I always used to think that since I was gay that I was all of those things. It took years before I realized that I'm not. I can't dance, I don't like to shop, I have fashion sense but that comes from being an artist and trained in aesthetics and design. Being gay is just something that is what you are not WHO you are. It doesn't determine anything about you. I recomend that you just keep living life and experience everything you can, whether its boy or girl or sky diving. Its through life expereinces that we truly find out who we are.

I get the tall comments a lot too. My family is all around 5'5" and I'm well over six feet. Apparently I had a great grandfather somewhere that was tall.

I really enjoy reading about your life and thoughts. You have a good sense of writing style.

Lol-taire's picture

Edward II was very strong

Edward II was very strong and athletic. His relationships (most famously Piers Gaveston and later Hugh the Younger Despenser) with his favourites were almost certainly sexual. Unfortunity he was also very good at losing wars with Scotland, overspending and getting deposed, then murdered.

I know what you mean though. For quite a while I would see comically butch or even just bizarely asexual lesbians on TV, and I was like clearly can't be queer because I'm certainly not like that. And I'm not. I'm not simperingly feminine either.

Stereotypes are cultural. Obviously some people are born with particular mannerisms, but it's the ones that a particular culture picks up on that become the supposed norm. In some cultures a preference of men for other men was believed to be a result of excessive masculinity. There is a long tradition in ancient history of homosexuality in warfare. It's not all interior decor and exfoiliation, no matter what Living TV seems to think.

The thing is for some people, who maybe wouldn't naturally want to flounce about and sparkle, they play up to stereotypes because it's a way of belonging to a community and identifying yourself as part of a group. A bit like I doubt all the emo kids actually really, really like stars and skulls and cross bone and that terrible music they listen to, sure some of them do but others make themselves like it because then they can join the club and stand around bus stops moping.

Duncan's picture

Hahahah. Just because you

Hahahah. Just because you are gay does not mean that you have to be girkly. Ex: I had an ex. he was the most masculine guy ever. He was on our school's volleyball/football teams. He hated to shop and stuff. He didn't like to hang out with girls. That's just the way he is. Not al;l gay peolle act a certain way. Me, I'm kinda in between. Ther'es nothing wriongg with being "girly" though. Just so you know. But if it isn't youi to be a certain way, don't worry. just be you. Homosexuality is not a lifestyle. You don't need to change how you act because you learn you like dick. That's all thast that means. you like guys. Yopu don't need to act girly to be gay.

Guys are pretty confusing, and apparently drooling over them doesn't really break the ice...

deepspace87's picture

Dont worry about coming out,

Dont worry about coming out, you can do that when you feel its a good time, if you ever do. Just let that come with time. And for feeling comfortable with your sexuality, let that come in time too, if tehres one thing you cannot do with this, its rush it. You've just got to let time take its course and everything will slowly come to focus. I think society has put to many stereotypes to being gay, and it has hurt people in the long run, because people are afraid of being labeled as that. i think you, just like everything else, just need to not stress it, just go with it, and time will sort everything out. But all i can say is this, just simply be yourself in life, because if you lose that, and you cant simply be u, you have lost everything. Dont let society's stereotypes, false or true, define you, just keep living, and time will sort things out.

"Never apologize for saying what you feel. It's like apologizing for being real."