Okay, so I'm like 95% sure my best friend is/has fallen for me. Which is the last thing I expected/wanted. This past week has been really really stressful. She's had a horrible life, and has gone through things no one should ever be forced to go through. She's a cutter, and this past weekend, we had to got to the emergency room twice to get her arms stitched up, and twice to get her admitted to a mental health program. She spent one day there the first time, and has now been there since Sunday. She sounds good, and is looking forward to getting better. In this letter I mention J a few times. J used to be my best friend before S. I fell pretty hard for J and she tore my heart out, to put it lightly. If you go back in my journals, you'll see a certain entry about my feelings about her. Anyway, here it is:
How do I love thee? Funny, kind of random question, yes, but it's something I've thought about a lot, especially lately. I've been thinking about it a lot lately because I know, or am pretty sure I know, how you feel/are starting to feel about me. I've seen the way you look at me, I've listened to the things you've said, the questions you've asked about J and my opinions about relationships between friends. You forget I notice everything :P. To be honest, I've never had anyone feel about my the way I think you're starting to feel about me. I'm flattered, to say the least. And confused, because it's brought up all kinds of feelings and issues I didn't want to think about anymore. And I guess I have to thank you for that, because I needed to face those things.
But I've come to this conclusion: I can't.
I can't and don't want to go through that again. Ever since we started becoming friends, I've checked myself and asked myself questions to make sure I'm not and won't fall for you. I've been terrified of falling for you and going through that again. I guess what I never thought of was you falling for me. I really hope I'm wrong and have completely imagined your feelings for me. I hope I'm writing this letter for nothing and will be embarassed when (if) I give you thisand you're like, WTF? At least then I wouldn't worry about hurting you. That's the last thing I would ever want to do. Too many people in your life have taken advantage of your big heart and have betrayed you. I'm not about to be another one of those people. I will always be here, supporting you, helping you, loving you, and I would never, ever, do anything to intentionally hurt you. And I know you've taken a big risk by letting me into your heart and I am so glad and so honoured to be allowed in. I am 100% positive there are many thing I don't know about and I hope one day I'll be able to know them. I'll hear anything you have to say. But take your time. I'll be here for a long time, there's no rush.
Now, I know you're kind of confused about my opinions on best friend relationships, and I guess I should try my best to clear them up. Like I've told you, I truly believe that when you have something like we have, an equal, meaningful relationship, you should never try and change that. Friendship is so much better than a potential relationship. Relationships require so much work and there is the constant fear that they will end. I hope there is never any fear that our friendship will end. Nothing you could do or say would make me hate you or end our friendship. You are the best (not only in the "most important, closest" kind of best) friend I've ever had. I've never, ever, had a friend who made me feel so good about myself, so worth something, and who has really had my best interest at heart. I never truly realized that until I met you, because I didn't know how wrong my other friendships were. It was all I knew. I could never jeopardize that. Even if I had fallen for you, I couldn't pursue it. What we have is too important to me. I can't ruin/risk another relationship, because I know that if I do ruin this relationship, I'll never find a better friend than you. Sure, I could find a friend who doesn't have as many issues to work on, but what good is a healthy friend who isn't healthy for you? I'll help you and support you while and after you get healthy, knowing the whole time that I am lucky I get the chance to be your friend.
I believe a friendship and a romantic relationship are two different things and should stay that way. They both have their own qualities and that we need both in our lives, but not at 16. I don't think many people find their soulmates at 16, and if we expect that, it's a very lonely and painful expectation that most probably won't have fulfilled, which can be sooo depressing. Don't put yourself through that, because I've done it to myself. I now just go through life hoping that someday I'll be with someone. Now that doesn't mean I don't get lonely, but I get a lot less lonely than I used to.
I also believe that certain qualities in a relationship, although necessary for that relationship, can destroy or push aside/cover up qualities that are very necessary in a good friendship. I truly believe that, given the choice, I would pick friendship over romance ANY DAY. I know you feel like you need a relationship in your life to fill something that's missing. I felt the same way, and I think that's a huge part of why I fell for J. But you know what? I now know romance is not something I NEED in my life right now. If the right opportunity came up, sure, I would like it, but I can certainly survive without it.
I think you are an amazing person who is strong beyond my comprehension. I think you've been through more than anyone should have to go through. I believe that the struggles you've been through have left marks on you that you need help taking off. You can't even begin to imagine how proud and happy I am that you've accepted help. Now, what this has to do with your feelings for me is that I think you should wait before you get into any kind of romantic relationship. It just adds to the stress and weight you have to carry. Just like your meds have to combat the anxiety you are feeling at that moment before it works on anything else, I think you have to deal with the issues you have now before you can even attempt a relationship. It's just too much stress amd work for you to deal with right now. Hell, I don't even think I'm ready for that kind of work. I could, but I don't want to add that to my load. And don't worry, you're not going to miss an opportunity. When you are truly meant to be with someone, you'll meet them when you're ready. Just like we met a couple times before we were actually ready to be friends, someone will come into your life when you least expect it, and you'll be glad I never fell for you. And hey, if we are meant to be together, we will when we're both ready. Please get better before you try and be with anyone. It's really what's best for you. Plus, you can't truly give yourself to a relationship unless you are truly able to handle it and offer your whole, healthy self. If we were to be together, it wouldn't be fair to either of us. It wouldn't be fair to you because it would just add to your stress. It wouldn't be fair to me because I wouldn't want a relationship that causes stress to anyone. And it would stress me out to know that our relationship was adding to your stress.
Now that, I hope, I've cleared up some of your confusion, let me tell you something. I don't love you romantically. Not now. And I hope I never will, because I've worked hard not to let that happen again. But before you start (or continue) to think that I'm not interested in you that way because you're ugly, or you're not good enough, or any other number of reasons, don't. Because trust me, you are NOT ugly, and you are certainly good enough for me. And, if I let myself, I could easily fall for you. Anyone who doesn't want you as their girlfriend is crazy. Now, don't take that the wrong way and get your hopes up, thinking that maybe there's a chance for us to be together. There isn't. I love you, and I love what we have too much to let that happen. I would just rather keep you as my best friend. My very best friend in the whole world. Unforgettable, irreplaceable you. Don't ever think I'll find someone better than you.
I really think we're too young to find someone, or at least expect to find someone, who we'll spend the rest of our lives with as a couple. I'm not even completely sure what kind of girl I want to be with. Which is why I can't help but wonder, is it really me you've fallen for? Or is it that I am the kind of person and fit the desciption of the person you want to be with? Either way, I still think we should wait till we're old enough to truly know what we want and that we can handle it.
I know this is a long letter and has a lot of things to think about in it, so take your time with it. I'm ALWAYS around to talk, so don't worry about that. But this I won't push you to talk about. It's something you need to take some time to think about. Read it over a couple times, think about how you're feeling about it, make sure you're sure of how you feel. And don't let this stress you out. This was really meant to help you with your confusion.
C (your very bestest friend ever)
P.S. I'll answer any questions you have. About this, or about J, or anything. I can act like nothing happened like nobody's business. And tell me when/if you want to talk. I don't get uncomfortable very easy, you know.