Oh boy!

Damon's picture

I read some of the journal entries here and I think "Oh Boy" I am so out of touch. I feel like a ten year-old in a gay bar.
Not being out yet and not even being sure that I am a gay kid is frustrating. They say if you have to wonder about yourself that you probably are, gay that is.
They, are probably right. Whoever "They" are. That is the way I feel though. There is me and then there is them and I'm not talking about the straight guys.
It is cold as a witch's tit here in Casper but the days are warming up and I was looking at a pear tree in the back yard. The leaves look like they might just explode any day now. That is sort of how I feel. Am I straight and just curious about guys or am I gay and wish I was straight or am I some other, third thing that just hasn't got a chance?
I read about guys when they first decided they were gay but it seems to happen to them at a much younger age than it is happening to me. I'm 16 and I still really don't know, except of course for that "if you think you are, you probably are" thing.
In Wyoming you don't just find a friend to talk about it with. Jerry might be but I am far too chicken to ask him. Hell, I need all the friends I can get, straight or gay and sure don't want to put anyone off.
It can't be defined by my wardrobe because there is nothing but Dockers and T-shirts in there hanging out with a few pair of Levi's.
It can't be defined by my actions because I'm not even close to gay there. Tall and lanky and described as the kid with the deep voice, I don't turn many heads.
I guess it comes down to doing the "nasty", No I'm a virgin there too unless self-gratification counts. Does it?
So I guess it comes down to what gives me "wood". Well I have gotten wood watching paint dry so that is hardly an indicator.
I will have to say that being touched by Jerry the other night made me feel pretty tingly all over but then I don't get touched much anyway.
I worked Saturday and Sunday and Jerry came in both days and happened to be there while my mom was there. That was spooky. Will she read anything into my new friend? I doubt it, he acts pretty straight too and as far as I know he might be. The fact that he spilled his guts to me and shed a tear in my car doesn't necessarily make him gay. Does it?
See I have far more questions than I have answers.
I introduced my mom to Jerry since I was on a break and we were sitting together. After I went back on duty mom continued to talk to Jerry and wound up going to the nursing home with him to meet his mom.
According to my mom, it was pretty sad in that Jerry's mom is young and quite attractive but doesn't know who her son is when he visits. She treats visitors very politely and is conscious of her forgetfullness even apologizing for it at one point.
Apparently, one of the nurses at the place told Jerry that with repeated visits, she may begin to remember things about her past.
But I digress, I see a lot of encouragement among some journalists here to come out as a gay person but I don't dare give a thought to that until I am sure. Seems pretty obvious though doesn't it?
Now let's see what to do with the rest of my life as a gay guy......I have no desire to get into fashion nor do I hate being a male. I rather like all my parts and enjoy using them whenever possible. Still I wonder if you are a technical virgin, can you even know if you might enjoy using them on one sex in preferrence to another? Maybe I should plunk a few babes and see how I feel. With my luck, I'd wind up a gay father. Boys would be safer I think.
Wyoming! What a place to be when you're trying to decide your sexuality.
Too tall for Rodeo and horses don't like me much anyway judging from the short encounter I had with one the other day.

Comments

patnelsonchilds's picture

I think you're going to find

I think you're going to find that at your age, whether you're gay or not has a lot more to do with who you're attracted to, like who you crush on. As you point out, most boys at your age would have sex with anything warm and willing. Don't rush yourself though sweetie. You've got plenty of time to figure it out.

As to your life as a gay man? Don't buy into stereotypes. Gay men are as diverse as straight men. There are as many gay stockbrokers as there are gay fashion designers. They just aren't always as obvious. You can love whoever you want and still be whatever you want.

_________________________________
Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.
_________________________________

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fanta

Damon's picture

Thanks

Thanks for your comment. I appreciate all the helpful thoughts.
Damon

raining men's picture

Fantasies

Fantasies are normally the key. Not just what gives you wood, but what is really hot, the biggest fantasy. True a lot of people fantsise about a whole load of wierd shit, but it is still a good indicator

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"

Damon's picture

Hmmm

That would definitely indicate that I was gay then. heh! Thanks
Damon

Campfire's picture

You know what's so fucking

You know what's so fucking annoying? I remember being 16 because I was 3 years ago, and you so think you understand everything right up until 3 years later when you look back and realise how blinded by hormones you were. And nothing anyone says can convince you otherwise!

For me it's very difficult to be understanding of people who ask the age old, "am I bisexual or gay" thing, because deep down I knew I was 100% gay from the age of 11/12. I never found women sexually attractive. I had a hard time facing up to what it all meant, the abuse I would/will inevitably receive at some point, the problems it will cause at home, etc. etc. etc. but I never went through this whole confusion thing. That's not to say just because YOU are that it means you're not 100% gay, I'm just saying I find it hard to understand you and I apologise for that.

One thing I do notice though is that this whole "confusion" thing seems to be more apparent in people who either, 1) Are brought up in a generally homophobic area, 2) Are brought up with a generally homophobic family, 3) Have their own religious/moral views on homosexuality which contends with their own sexual feelings, or 4) All 3.

What with me growing up in the south of England which is just about one of the gay friendliest places on Earth during my teenage years, and being raised by a family which have never spoken against gay people (except maybe my father, but that was pretty light) and who aren't that conservative, it may have been easier for me not to have gone through the confused stage. From an observer's point of view it would seem that confusion stems from fear of rejection by your family and friends. At the end of the day whoever you are, accepting and finalising in your mind that you are gay, and then facing the fact that eventually you're going to have to come out is a major life decision. At any age major life decisions are very hard to make, but at 16 it's probably the worst time possible what with the hormones and all the other shit that's going on. It's very easy to put it on the back burner and of course doing that just adds fuel to the fire of confusion in your head.

I wish I or someone else could just tell you that you're gay, or not gay, or bisexual. Unfortunately it's something we can only offer personal experiences and advice about - ultimately you're just gonna have to sit tight, look into your heart and stuff and just decide for yourself. Welcome to growing up, some issues, not just sexuality, just aren't easy to conclude.

Don't feel patronised or inferior though just because other posters here are more sorted out in their heads about their sexuality. Just look back at my first posts here and you'll see my own experiences. I came here closeted when I was 17 or 18, and whilst I knew I was gay within myself, this site really did help me dealing with coming out to my family and the rest of my friends. You're here at 16 and that's a good thing, writing stuff out and getting like minded and/or experienced opinions really helps you cope with shit. But just take your own time and share your experiences and see what people have to say.

Purely in my own personal opinion, just reading what you have said and how I think people behave, I would say you are gay. To incorporate the last two posts into what I'm saying, 1) Just because you have a deep voice and don't wear everything from Armani's latest collection doesn't make you straight, the diversity of the gay community is just as wide as all the straight people in the world. 2) What's the stuff you prefer to think about when masturbating or daydreaming? (note: that's a rhetorical question) If it's men fucking, then that right there is a pretty big clue as far as I'm concerned.

Good luck! And remember not to take life too seriously, it's just too short!

"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
- George Aiken

Damon's picture

Thanks Campfire

I really appreciate all the time and thought you put to answering my questions. Knowing about your experiences has really helped me figure things out.
Thanks again
Damon

jeff's picture

Hmm....

I've never said people who think about the same sex are gay, just that they're not likely straight. :-)

As for telling your friend, that should be different than hoping he's gay so you can date him or whatever. But, it's hard to understand how you want to keep supportive friends in your life, if you refuse to tell them how you need support. If people are going to leave you when they find out, good, get rid of them as early as you can.

And it's not about clothes. Some of my favorite times with gay people haven't involved any.

Again, avoid labels. It's a waste of time. You have all the identity you need. You are Damon. Whatever that means today, live it. You can tell a friend you are questioning your sexuality, and then gain someone to talk to. You can think of what type of things you think about when you masturbate, because the penis is rarely unclear about what it wants. But, look at it the other way around, which is... live every moment in pursuit of your happiness. Wear clothes that speak to you, follow a career path that speaks to you, gravitate to friends who radiate something special within you, and at some point fall in love with someone. You don't have to define your wardobe style, your career plans, your criteria for friends or anything else in advance. Just make them all up as you go along.

You don't have to be gay to buy Diesel jeans (although it helps). If you meet an interesting guy or girl, see what happens. You may kiss him and immediately call her afterward to tell her, or you may kiss her and end up calling him.

Too many people try to eliminate resistance in their life, as though a smooth sail to death is the ultimate goal. The resistance is the good part.

Just be Damon. Whatever that means today is perfect. Whatever that means tomorrow is fine. If you spend your time dwelling on your past or questioning your future, you're doing nothing with your present.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Damon's picture

Dear Jeff

Thank you for the words of wisdom. I can see that I have come to a place where there are many good friends and a lot of help in understanding things that are happening in my life. You all are great!
Damon

Ginger's picture

i enjoy you. immensely. I.M.

i enjoy you. immensely.
I.M. me sometime if you feel like it.

Damon's picture

Why thank ya Darlin'

Just kidding!
I was looking at your interests and you are awesome!
Gotta love geOGRAPHY too. We all want to know where we're at.
Thanks
Damon

pomegranate's picture

same boat

Just thought I'd let you know that I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. You know, getting all tingly when a girl touches me, and fantasizing about them a lot, but still not being entirely sure what it all means. I'm two years older than you, so if you're too old to be feeling confused, then that must make me ancient.
My advice(it's what I've been telling myself when I feel overwhelmed): just sit back and enjoy your life. After all, time heals all wounds and answers all questions - let's hope! But even if that's not the case, there's nothing we can do so we might as well try and stop worrying about everything and chill! :0)

Damon's picture

Thanks

It's nice to know that I am not the only confused person in the world.
Damon

Teiraa's picture

I understand...

I'm 16 still, and I am also having a confusing time. I definately know I am gender queer. (I may even be a bit sexually queer as well). I've known since I was 11 or 12. When I was 11, I spent time with girls and my sister, I cried a ton, and it was the first time I wore female clothing. I loved it. I can't do it anymore though (stupid social restrictions). Like you, I'm afraid to even suggest to MYSELF that I'm queer somehow. The problem is that you are trying to link something of yourself to homosexuality, but it may not even be there. It helps to talk to parents, a counselor, or a psychologist. I know that may sound scary, but if you want to make peace with your mind, you may have to. I know I had to. One day I was so stressed that I exploded my feelings to my parents. If you have a kind and understanding family, then you should have no fear in talking to them about this. Hell, they'll be more helpful than us, I'm sure.

Good luck in finding your answer though!

---------------------------------------------------------
"You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?"

Damon's picture

Thanks

Just being able to express what I am feeling is really helpful and knowing that people are listening makes it even better. You all may wind up being my Psychologist and you are a hell of a lot cheaper.
Love the Icon
Damon

Josh arnold's picture

i think am gay

Hi my name is josh arnold and when am horn I go gay i dont know if am gay or not am only 15 am been like this sice 6grade and i dress in girls thongs and ther cloths i want to be gay i think.