I read some of the journal entries here and I think "Oh Boy" I am so out of touch. I feel like a ten year-old in a gay bar.
Not being out yet and not even being sure that I am a gay kid is frustrating. They say if you have to wonder about yourself that you probably are, gay that is.
They, are probably right. Whoever "They" are. That is the way I feel though. There is me and then there is them and I'm not talking about the straight guys.
It is cold as a witch's tit here in Casper but the days are warming up and I was looking at a pear tree in the back yard. The leaves look like they might just explode any day now. That is sort of how I feel. Am I straight and just curious about guys or am I gay and wish I was straight or am I some other, third thing that just hasn't got a chance?
I read about guys when they first decided they were gay but it seems to happen to them at a much younger age than it is happening to me. I'm 16 and I still really don't know, except of course for that "if you think you are, you probably are" thing.
In Wyoming you don't just find a friend to talk about it with. Jerry might be but I am far too chicken to ask him. Hell, I need all the friends I can get, straight or gay and sure don't want to put anyone off.
It can't be defined by my wardrobe because there is nothing but Dockers and T-shirts in there hanging out with a few pair of Levi's.
It can't be defined by my actions because I'm not even close to gay there. Tall and lanky and described as the kid with the deep voice, I don't turn many heads.
I guess it comes down to doing the "nasty", No I'm a virgin there too unless self-gratification counts. Does it?
So I guess it comes down to what gives me "wood". Well I have gotten wood watching paint dry so that is hardly an indicator.
I will have to say that being touched by Jerry the other night made me feel pretty tingly all over but then I don't get touched much anyway.
I worked Saturday and Sunday and Jerry came in both days and happened to be there while my mom was there. That was spooky. Will she read anything into my new friend? I doubt it, he acts pretty straight too and as far as I know he might be. The fact that he spilled his guts to me and shed a tear in my car doesn't necessarily make him gay. Does it?
See I have far more questions than I have answers.
I introduced my mom to Jerry since I was on a break and we were sitting together. After I went back on duty mom continued to talk to Jerry and wound up going to the nursing home with him to meet his mom.
According to my mom, it was pretty sad in that Jerry's mom is young and quite attractive but doesn't know who her son is when he visits. She treats visitors very politely and is conscious of her forgetfullness even apologizing for it at one point.
Apparently, one of the nurses at the place told Jerry that with repeated visits, she may begin to remember things about her past.
But I digress, I see a lot of encouragement among some journalists here to come out as a gay person but I don't dare give a thought to that until I am sure. Seems pretty obvious though doesn't it?
Now let's see what to do with the rest of my life as a gay guy......I have no desire to get into fashion nor do I hate being a male. I rather like all my parts and enjoy using them whenever possible. Still I wonder if you are a technical virgin, can you even know if you might enjoy using them on one sex in preferrence to another? Maybe I should plunk a few babes and see how I feel. With my luck, I'd wind up a gay father. Boys would be safer I think.
Wyoming! What a place to be when you're trying to decide your sexuality.
Too tall for Rodeo and horses don't like me much anyway judging from the short encounter I had with one the other day.