school based tired

Damon's picture

I'm beat. I'd just like to lay down and take a nap for a year or two but I have to work tonight. I did finally manage to get to most of my homework last night. The one thing I have left over is algebra and that isn't due 'til Monday so I have Sunday to work on it.
I don't go in until 4:00 P.M. tonight so I have a little spare time right now and I know if I try to sleep I'll just feel like I'm drugged all night.
I'm still thinking a lot about Jerry but he has practice tonight and a concert tomorrow night. He plays cello and I am going to try to make it to hear him play. That is one thing we know we have in common, music.
Mom called and left a message that she was working late tonight so I am watching Chuck to make sure he doesn't burn down the house while trying to make hamburgers for Paul and Danny. I'm not hungry and told him I would get something later at the coffeeshop.
*yawn* I gotta get more sleep. School was such a bore today. I had two subs. One in U.S. History and one in Health class. In both classes we were just told to read from the chapters that the tests would be on next Wednesday. Of course one eighth of the class was reading and the other seven eighths were horsing around making it difficult to concentrate.
Now Danny is running around the house wailing that Paul hit him on the head with a beany baby. *Where did I put my bazooka*
They do this because they know they would never get away with it if mom were home. You have to hand it to a woman who can raise four boys at any age by herself but these guys know better than to pull this crap when she is home. I guess I'm gonna have to go down there and beat some sense into them. (I'm not really violent) But these words usually work:
"Would you guys knock it off or I'm gonna have to rat to mom, what a bunch of pigs you guys are!"
Mom uses the "Grounding Policy". If she says you are grounded, that means you cannot leave the house except for school and that is it!
I havent been grounded since I was about 9. I got caught smoking in my dad's greenhouse with my friend David. Ahh, if I had only known then what I know now, I might have been grounded for a completely different reason in that greenhouse with David.
After my dad died it was like a wake-up call for me. I had three little assinine brothers who were obviously watching every move I made (at least according to my elder peers.) It was now time for me to set an example. It is funny how to heart you take that advice when you are younger. It's like, take the worst in the bunch and give him something to do and it will all work out fine. My job was to be the big brother beyond reproach. I was to do no wrong, ever!
That is why I am in no position to come out to my mom or any one else right now. It would be like saying she allowed the cat to babysit the parakeet, even though I would never say anything or involve my brothers in any way with my personal life. It would be a perceived threat to the well-being of my little presumably straight brothers.
Let them turn out to be who they are first and the cookie crums fall where thay may. Then hopefully I won't be accused of influencing their lives.
So anyway let me go take a shower and get ready for work. With some luck maybe Jerry will stop by after his practice tonight.
*stumbles from computer looking wistfully at the bed*


Lol-taire's picture

Are you sure your mother

Are you sure your mother would ever think like that? If she would that's one of the most upsetting things I've heard in my life.

Damon's picture

No, I don't think that she

No, I don't think that she would. It's just that's how responsible I feel at times for my brothers upbringing. Not that my mom isn't there or anything but I feel like since my dad died I have a responsibility to not bring anything confusing to them at this point. Srereotypes do abound whether we like it or not and kids that age are influenced by not only what goes on in the home but often by peers who could damage what I am trying to achieve as a big brother.
I know that when they are older they will understand that you can be gay and still be a role model but I am not sure about right now.

Lol-taire's picture

No, I understand that

No, I understand that entirely. You have to be a role model and fulfill a quite complicated role within your family, and to do this you have to put foward a certain image. Right now I guess they just need you to be uncomplicated. I admire your selflessness- although I don't imagine it's a really a choice.

I'm not meant to let the littlies in my family know about the queer thing. Probably because it would upset B (youngest sister) and G (my brother) would blab about it at school and almost certainly get bullied.