There has been so much going on in the last few days that I just haven't been here...miss me?
Yah, me neither...
I read all these journals and don't have anything to say because I am so afraid that I will just look stupid. I am so straight for a gay guy, compared to most of you. I should be in the 70s or something.
I went to Jerry's concert Friday night and it was really good. He played a solo and was much better than I even imagined. Look out Yo Yo Ma!
I am feeling so sad today and I don't know why. For one thing, I am fucking wasted tired. I worked all weekend and then woke up to school Yesterday morning with only half my assignments done. But there is something else and I don't know what it is. I have all these applications in at all these places that have better working hours for a school guy but no one has even called.
Jerry has been busy too and we havent gotten together except for a short while on Saturday night and by then I was so whipped that I wasn't even sure I was making sense. I feel like I am just banging my head up against a wall and getting no where. I guess I have pretty much self-defined why I am feeling bad.
I also feel guilty because I don't have a job lined up for this summer yet. The restaurant is closing and making way for a new parking lot after 32 years in the same place. Fuckers...... that's just sad in itself. Things should last forever but they don't.
Every free second I have I feel like I want to just be with Jerry and get some hugs back but he's not there. Maybe I just need to initiate sex into my life or rather introduce sex into it. I am sick of being alone in that way. Sometimes I feel like I just want to jump his bones the next time I see him no matter who is watching.
NO we still haven't even gotten to first base yet. I think our bodies have but we haven't. Not together anyway and like I said before I don't even have a clue how to start something if we are together. It's kind of like once you become close friends, is there a chance you could ruin it all by hopping in the sack with the dude?
I think a lot of it is still that both of us are on "straight patrol" you know you have to be so straight at school and work that it is hard to let your guard down when you are alone together. It's hard for me to let go of that. On one hand I want to get down with him and on the other I don't want to be touched in that way. Am I losing it?
It's like something will change I know, and I am not sure I know what it is that will change...but I want him so bad sometimes. He's been far more forward than I have with him. He doesn't mind letting me know that I turn him on.
Me........ I just wear long T-shirts when I am around him so he doesn't know he is having that effect on me too.
..........But I had this wonderful dream about him where we both were naked together and were really into the gay life tohether. He was touching me all over and I was feeling so good and then the alarm clock went off and I didn't get to do anything with him. Sort of the way it's been.