Gah!Studying sucks monkey balls,but it has to be done I guess.Since I have been messing up tests lately.I was doing great,getting straight A's.Then bam!Last week I find myself sitting in an exam,looking at a question I have done before,that I know how to do,but I just could not write...couldn't think,and what was even worse I couldn't seem to care.I literally sat there staring at the blank page thinking,yeah I'm failing this.
I can't seem to make myself care lately and I am not sure why.I used to totally stress about exams,grades,and all that jazz.But now I'm just like meh I know I should be studying...but I think I'll do blah blah blah instead.Well to be honest,the blah blah blah is me waiting around online to talk to my friend,the person I can't seem to get out of my head.It's stupid and I need to just get over it.For a number of reasons.The first being that she is completely straight.The second being that she has a boyfriend.The third being she is completely in love with said boyfriend.This fact also makes me jealous.I hate being jealous.
I think that my feelings for her also make me clingy to her and perhaps a little hypersensitive to her behaviour.Like if we are both clearly online on msn or something and she doesn't say hi or send a message I keep thinking why isn't she chating to me.Whereas with any of my other friends I'm not that bothered if we don't chat.It's just that I want to talk to her all the time..I want to be with her all the time ,and obviously since she doesn't feel like I do about her this urge to talk and be together isn't felt back.
I think my feelings for her are effecting our friendship in a negative way.Like I think my wanting to talk to her all the time bothers her.I smother her and I know I do but I can't seem to help it.I spent 2 hours yesterday contemplating whether or not I should text her.I did,she replied I was happy.Right now I know she is online,its been a few days since we have chatted and I really want to talk to her but since she can see i'm online and hasn't messaged me maybe I should leave it.Dammit I need to get over this.It's making me insane.
Oh and another friend called me a fucking fag the other day.She doesn't know I am gay.I should probably have been offended but honestly I just couldn't stop laughing.I'm not sure why but it sounded really funny.