the ghost's picture

Gah!Studying sucks monkey balls,but it has to be done I guess.Since I have been messing up tests lately.I was doing great,getting straight A's.Then bam!Last week I find myself sitting in an exam,looking at a question I have done before,that I know how to do,but I just could not write...couldn't think,and what was even worse I couldn't seem to care.I literally sat there staring at the blank page thinking,yeah I'm failing this.

I can't seem to make myself care lately and I am not sure why.I used to totally stress about exams,grades,and all that jazz.But now I'm just like meh I know I should be studying...but I think I'll do blah blah blah instead.Well to be honest,the blah blah blah is me waiting around online to talk to my friend,the person I can't seem to get out of my head.It's stupid and I need to just get over it.For a number of reasons.The first being that she is completely straight.The second being that she has a boyfriend.The third being she is completely in love with said boyfriend.This fact also makes me jealous.I hate being jealous.

I think that my feelings for her also make me clingy to her and perhaps a little hypersensitive to her behaviour.Like if we are both clearly online on msn or something and she doesn't say hi or send a message I keep thinking why isn't she chating to me.Whereas with any of my other friends I'm not that bothered if we don't chat.It's just that I want to talk to her all the time..I want to be with her all the time ,and obviously since she doesn't feel like I do about her this urge to talk and be together isn't felt back.

I think my feelings for her are effecting our friendship in a negative way.Like I think my wanting to talk to her all the time bothers her.I smother her and I know I do but I can't seem to help it.I spent 2 hours yesterday contemplating whether or not I should text her.I did,she replied I was happy.Right now I know she is online,its been a few days since we have chatted and I really want to talk to her but since she can see i'm online and hasn't messaged me maybe I should leave it.Dammit I need to get over this.It's making me insane.

Oh and another friend called me a fucking fag the other day.She doesn't know I am gay.I should probably have been offended but honestly I just couldn't stop laughing.I'm not sure why but it sounded really funny.


msquared's picture


Yeah, I'm getting lazy, too. I think it's just from being in school for too long. It gets repetitive and dull after a while. As for your lady, I don't really know what to tell you, other than to not be so pessimistic or overanalyze. Goood lucks!

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche