Take Control

Mango_Loo102's picture

It's been quite some time since I last wrote to you guys, and I'm hurt. Very hurt.

Something's happening...I need to take control. I'm going to tell you all about my past. There was a time in my life, when I hated myself.
Literally. I despised me myself and I.
Depression set in so deep, and as usual I swindled everyone around me. Bulimia. No one knew. No one ever fathomed that I had this illness.
I couldn't control anything anymore. Not my grades, my sexuality, my fighting parents, nothing.

Then I said, "I can control my weight."
I recorded every morsel I ate. I excercised excessively at only eleven years old, I was worried about my life, until it drove me down a spiral of fear and rejection. I threw up things I ate. I would leave the dinner table, and lie to say I had a stomach ache, or that the food was too rich...
That was never the case. Never. It was always purging and puking.

Only now, years later am I coming to complete terms with it. I was only eleven. ELEVEN.
In seventh grade, it continued, but not as much. The sickness had a mind of its own. I fabricate nothing.
In eighth grade, I knew it wasn't healthy and that I had to stop. But I still hated myself. I was a walking, talking tub of lard...forcing myself to get thinner.

Couple that with sudden deaths in my family, I was in for it. I couldn't hold anything down.
I'd go to the bathroom for hours at a time, not even spitting up food but crying. Just crying all by lonesome.
I was sick of being called fag. I was sick of trying to make myself straight by having oral sex with a girl I knew...

It was the end of my eighth grade year. I starved myself even more. On prom night, I finally ate something, then spit it up moments later....I was lost in darkness. In ninth grade, I avoided eating at all costs. I would steal food and hide it or buy just to hide it, and make it look like I had eaten it.

Anorexia set in. I forced myself to hate myself, to make myself skinny. My pants sizes began to drop, I told my folks I wasn't hungry during breakfast, i picked at my dinner, and I went to the restroom during lunch....

I needed help. I know my parents wouldn't have understood. I sought help. I consulted an online counselor, who helped me through it. One time I almost had a panic attack in school.
Even now at sixteen in the Eleventh grade, it's day by day, but my mind won't let me forget it. I don't even remember the name of the counselor.

My eating disorder days are bad realities,not bad dreams. How could I have been so rash? So quick to dig a grave for my body?

Comments

whateversexual_llama's picture

Gosh, youve been through

Gosh, youve been through some tough times. Don't blame yourself for it. It was strong of you to get through it, and it was never your fault. Things like these are phycological... you didn't have control. If you still feel bad about it, you should talk to a professional. They know what they're doing.

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

milk-tea's picture

wow. its amazing that you've

wow.
its amazing that you've pretty much gotten over it...
wish i had the guts to do the same.

"society is crumbling faster than an Oreo cookie being run over by a turqouise freight train."