I wanted you to read this so I could fully explain to you my current feel on religion. I didn't want to say it to you because I want to just get this out there so we can talk about it later with you understanding that I do not hate God. I want to believe.
What makes me believe what I believe? If Christianity was supportive of gays, would I be Christian? I think the undeniable answer is "Yes."
For years, I have had a hard time coming to grips with religion and belief in and of it. Understanding who I am and what parts of my inner self are negligible and which parts are important has proven to be difficult to distinguish. It took me a while to separate gay from self. It took me a while to realize that being gay is one of the least important parts of me, even though defines a large part of my life. Some day, I will fall in love with a man, and even though we will both be gay the fact that I am gay will play very little part in that. It will be about love. Sexuality is completely unimportant.
The Gay-Straight Alliance I have been trying to start has not been something to bring attention to me, I want it to happen so that people in my situation won't feel so alone. The GSA will never benefit me at this point but I am sure that it will benefit others.
I want to go to prom with Jake not to make a statement but because I want to go to prom with someone of my choice, not a girl because it would make everyone else happy. Everyone but me. I want to go with Jake because he is a good friend of mine and even though it will make a scene it doesn't matter. I just want to be happy.
I feel that if someone just told me, "It's okay to be gay AND Christian" I would love God. I would love Jesus and the Bible and everything that Christianity holds strong. Yet, because Christians have told me that I'm going to hell I have a hard time believing in it. In fact, when someone tells me that they are Christian I am scared to ever let them know that I am gay because of what other Christians have said to me and the way that some have treated me.
I fear that if I become Christian the people around me will alienate me. I fear that I will be called a hypocrite. I fear that my friends that aren't Christian won't like me anymore because of the things I have said in the past. If I were to become Christian some of my friends would try to convert me back to atheism, which I know makes me unhappy. Believing in nothing kills me! I want to believe in something! I want to have the knowledge that there is something more out there, I want to have the knowledge that I will go to heaven when I die. I don't want to live in doubt of what might happen if I were to die, whether it would happen soon because of a car accident or when I'm 90 years old and my body is ready to go from the fatigue of a happy and fulfilled life.
Mom, I want you to help me believe in God no matter what my sexuality is, because the fact that I am gay will never change.
Mom, I want to be happy.
I'm sorry for all of the shit I put you through. I'm sorry for all of the drama, the political statements, the disrespect of you and Dad. Having a wonderful relationship with my family is the most important thing I can do with my life.
Mom, I love you and Dad and I hope you both know that. Nothing will ever change that. As a family, we have been through a lot in the past year. I like to think that that has brought us together even more.
I hope this email has helped you understand what I am going through. I want you to bring me to a gay-friendly church this Sunday. Not just for me, but for us, as a family.
Your devoted son forever,
P.S. If you have any questions or concerns I want to talk to you about them. I won't get angry, I just want to have the best relationship with you as possible. We are both unhappy with how are relationship is going right now and I think we can work to make this a perfect family again.