This is an email I wrote to my mom so she would understand me a bit more.

underdarkness's picture


I wanted you to read this so I could fully explain to you my current feel on religion. I didn't want to say it to you because I want to just get this out there so we can talk about it later with you understanding that I do not hate God. I want to believe.

What makes me believe what I believe? If Christianity was supportive of gays, would I be Christian? I think the undeniable answer is "Yes."

For years, I have had a hard time coming to grips with religion and belief in and of it. Understanding who I am and what parts of my inner self are negligible and which parts are important has proven to be difficult to distinguish. It took me a while to separate gay from self. It took me a while to realize that being gay is one of the least important parts of me, even though defines a large part of my life. Some day, I will fall in love with a man, and even though we will both be gay the fact that I am gay will play very little part in that. It will be about love. Sexuality is completely unimportant.

The Gay-Straight Alliance I have been trying to start has not been something to bring attention to me, I want it to happen so that people in my situation won't feel so alone. The GSA will never benefit me at this point but I am sure that it will benefit others.

I want to go to prom with Jake not to make a statement but because I want to go to prom with someone of my choice, not a girl because it would make everyone else happy. Everyone but me. I want to go with Jake because he is a good friend of mine and even though it will make a scene it doesn't matter. I just want to be happy.

I feel that if someone just told me, "It's okay to be gay AND Christian" I would love God. I would love Jesus and the Bible and everything that Christianity holds strong. Yet, because Christians have told me that I'm going to hell I have a hard time believing in it. In fact, when someone tells me that they are Christian I am scared to ever let them know that I am gay because of what other Christians have said to me and the way that some have treated me.

I fear that if I become Christian the people around me will alienate me. I fear that I will be called a hypocrite. I fear that my friends that aren't Christian won't like me anymore because of the things I have said in the past. If I were to become Christian some of my friends would try to convert me back to atheism, which I know makes me unhappy. Believing in nothing kills me! I want to believe in something! I want to have the knowledge that there is something more out there, I want to have the knowledge that I will go to heaven when I die. I don't want to live in doubt of what might happen if I were to die, whether it would happen soon because of a car accident or when I'm 90 years old and my body is ready to go from the fatigue of a happy and fulfilled life.

Mom, I want you to help me believe in God no matter what my sexuality is, because the fact that I am gay will never change.

Mom, I want to be happy.

I'm sorry for all of the shit I put you through. I'm sorry for all of the drama, the political statements, the disrespect of you and Dad. Having a wonderful relationship with my family is the most important thing I can do with my life.

Mom, I love you and Dad and I hope you both know that. Nothing will ever change that. As a family, we have been through a lot in the past year. I like to think that that has brought us together even more.

I hope this email has helped you understand what I am going through. I want you to bring me to a gay-friendly church this Sunday. Not just for me, but for us, as a family.

Your devoted son forever,

P.S. If you have any questions or concerns I want to talk to you about them. I won't get angry, I just want to have the best relationship with you as possible. We are both unhappy with how are relationship is going right now and I think we can work to make this a perfect family again.


Uncertain's picture

Hey, not every Christian

Hey, not every Christian hate gays. God loves everyone! I mean, Jesus is a pretty damn cool person... he was the one that stuck up for all the minority during his time. If there was a gay guy he met back then I'm sure he'd be hella fine with it.I have a lot of Christian friends, male and female. Some (mostly guys) were a bit freaked out at first... but usually they come to accept you if you are confident about who you are.

I am very moved by your letter though... clashes and conflicts between parts of yourself like this is really hard (and can be depressing). I feel for you and hopefully everything sorts out with you mum.

patnelsonchilds's picture

It's a wonderful letter

It's a wonderful letter sweetie. I don't know your mom, but I can't imagine that she wouldn't respond well to it. As Uncertain said, it's definitely moving and sincere.

To all the rest of you guys, this could totally be a Gay Like Me submission. It not only is very touching and well-written, but it really goes to the heart of an issue that often comes up with GLBTQ kids, especially between them and their parents. If you haven't submitted a piece because you think it needs to be some elaborate short story, go back over some of the things you've written in your journals and reconsider. There's tons of stuff in there which, like this, are beautifully written and really speak to the issues that many if not most GLBTQ teens are experiencing.

I'm sorry to use your post to pitch the GLM project UD, but I know you're 100% behind this project, and you know how important it is to get enough material if we're going to succeed. I just thought your great letter was a perfect example for me to use to make my point about the contents of other people's journals.

Well done. I hope it accomplishes what you hope it will. I can't imagine that it wouldn't.

Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"