Uncertain's picture

Okay, um I'll try and keep this short.

I've been having really bad days lately... yesterday I just had a really realy shit day I dno why, I felt really bad throughout the whole day and suddenly I just collapsed and couldn't stop crying in Japanese. Nothing really happened but I just starting sobbing (while trying so hard to stop but it just keep getting worse everytime I try to muffle it) in class. It was really embarassing... I thought things would be so messed up afterwards... but then I found my friends are actually really supporting... even my guy friends. My female friends were there for me providing me support and my guy friends never mocked me about it. One of them just said I'm very sensitive and every one of them stayed the same person they were to me (and a few thought my jap teacher made me cry, and said they were going to smash me to make me feel better.. but it's not my jap teacher... it's just my whole depressed mood that built up the whole morning).

I think I was really depressed because I've been having too much homework stress lately. I don't have a life to do anything else except just work work work and that got me in a really messed up state. I was on the verge of going insane when something simple happened like telling my dog to go out to sleep and she wouldn't listen - it's like I wasn't in control I guess. I just felt the endless flooding of homework and stress keep stocking up and I just can't do anything about it... and I was extremely immensely frustrated. I recall smashing my head with my portfoilio and screaming cusses in my room at like almost 12. This is how busy I am... During morning teas I have debating meetings teas and I have national science competition meetings that take up all my lunchtimes this week. Then after school I still have tutoring and I get homework from that too. I'm glad I dropped volleyball or I'd be even more fucked right now. So you see I have no morning tea or lunch break at school after I get up at 7... then I try to fit hours of homework after school, then extra stuff like hourly piano practises, debating preparations, lots and lots of science facts to remember.. and literally I get home at 4:30 and work non-stop until 12 except stopping for dinner. And like at 12 I'm completely jaded I can't concentrate I feel really fucked up, go to sleep and the next day I feel more screwed up and the stress builds up. Usually I'm a really outgoing and optimistic person... but things just have been going a bit out of balance lately. I'm just glad that I've got tons of friends being there for me. I did a lot of homework tonight too 'cause I won't have time in the weekends... since there's my friends birthday party tomorrow and I'll be out till like Sunday 7:30pm... my caregiver is letting me stay out Sat night... so I'm going to go all crazy... get all my stress out and party like it's 1945. Then on Sunday probably go sing karaoke or something with other people... faaar I really need stress relief right now.

The ironic thing is that I think the main reason I got more depressed at school was 'cause I can't think and I don't think I'm being myself and I think my friends are ignoring me. But it seems like I'm just very very paranoid. After my 'crying' episode it just makes me realise how many good friends I actually have around me. How they have accepted my orientation and overall accepted the person I am. Today at assembly our last word was about accepting diversity... people who have the guts to do what they want are the heroes of the community. After that speech my guy friend Atu beside me said to "it's okay to be gay" lol. Man... it feels good to be accepted, I mean they don't just ignore it.. they aknowledge it and accept it. Even Nixon said something about my sexuality today and I thought he just completely pushed it aside. I think it's because I'm confident about it and be who I am... many people at our school are social rejects... but for some reason the only gay guy who has come out has been accepted. It really makes me think.

K it's late agen, like I said I'm going to be away for the whole weekend.. I've been doing homework, writing the card and wrapping the gift etc. etc. until now which is really late... I need to sleep 'coz I don't wana feel fucked up and wasted before the party 2moro. Laterz.


Damon's picture

Good Friends

It's good to have friends that understand and support you.
I don't know your agenda as far as your classes go and certainly wouldn't want to suggest that you give up anything further but it seems that you have a very heavy load as far as school work goes.
I do too but I still have to find time to work and have a little time free. It's not my nature to burst into tears and people would most certainly shuttle me off rather quickly to the nearest mental institution.
I only know you through what I have read but I feel for you deeply in your situation. Have fun when you go out this weekend and remember me when you sing at karaoke... do one for me ehh!

raining men's picture

Oh yeah

The overworked times are hell. I assure that they do end. It is wonderful and wierd when they do

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"