Damon's picture

This weekend looks like the first chance we might have to stay above freezing at night. I am so ready for spring or summer for that matter. I just want to be warm and do things out doors without the possibility of frost bite.
It's like 80 degrees in L.A. and although I used to hate the hot summers there and the lack of rain, I wouldn't mind a few days like that here. I've never looked all that great in shorts and shirtless because I am so skinny but a good baggy T-shirt and some cut-off Levi's would be a welcome change to the layering of clothing we all have to wear now. During the day the temps have been in the 50s but by the time I am on my way home from work, I have to scrape the ice off the windshield of my car.
I finally went with Jerry to meet his mom and then we went to his house and I met his dad. They must have had Jerry when they were like fourteen or something. They are really young. His mom is very nice and doesn't seem like a stroke victim at all except that she just can't seem to keep from asking the same questions over and over.
If you are quiet for a moment she'll turn around and say,"Oh hello, you must be one of my son's friends. What's your name?"
She was like,"I don't know where this is but if I was at my house, I'd get you something to drink."
The nurse in charge wanted to talk to Jerry and I was flattered that Jerry asked me to sit with them while they talked. She told him that there was a very good chance that some of her memory would return or that at least she would make new ones that she would retain. That seemed to make Jerry feel better.
I know it seems like there are a million things that I could be doing instead of hanging out with my friend at a nursing home with his mom but right now I can't think of anything I would rather do.
Jerry says everyday when he gets out of school he spends about an hour or two with his mom and then walks back to the house and if his dad is home, he'll spend a little time with him or meets him at the nursing home and then use his dad's pick-up to come over to the restaurant. I'm glad he does.
The night before last, I took him home in my car because he had again taken the bus to the coffeeshop. He left an envelope in my car with my name on it. I didn't see it until I got home and was a little shakey when I opened it. There was a card in it that said, "Thanks for being a friend." on the front, and a small angel pin. It was the note that was on the inside that really got to me. I didn't read it until I had gone up to bed because I wanted a private moment to see what he had said.

It said, "Damon, we havent known each other very long but you are the closest thing I have ever had to a best friend. I have things I need to tell you but I can't say it here. I want to say it to your face but I don't know how. For now, just, Thanks for being a friend."

I am not a sentimental person but after reading the note several times, my nose started running and I was blinking back tears that I rarely shed.
Last night when Jerry and I finally had some time we just sat in my car and talked. It was too late to go see his mom anyway.
I thanked him for the card and told him that it made me cry. He was a little amazed at that. I guess he didn't think I was capable of emotion. But then he said that I had told him that I wasn't emotional ( I don't remember saying that ) but he said he knew that was a lie. He said "You are like me, you just hold it in and then it all gushes out when it is least convenient."
Well something like that.
Then he just spilled. " I want you to know that I have these feelings for you and I don't mean anything by that except it kind of scares me."
I asked him if he was gay and he said he didn't know but that he probably was and he hoped it didn't make me uncomfortable.
I just started laughing and I think he initially took it the wrong way until I explained that I had the same feelings for him.
Then he was kind of joking and got all manly and shit and said, "Hell dude, we're fucked up, huh?"
We laughed so hard my sides hurt. I think it was both relief that it was finally said and also a little of Jerry's comedy in just how the world sees gays that really stuck me funny.
"Yeah, we're fucked all right." I told him. Then we laughed some more. It wasn't really funny but there was such a sense of pressure lifted off my shoulders that it actually made me feel giddy.
So this is how you finally get there. You stop denying it to yourself and talk about it to someone.
Things finally got serious and we just started talking about what we knew on the subject of gayness. You have to remember, I'm a virgin and he said he was too so we are like the blind leading the blind. We talked about fantasies and both admitted to having fantasized about the other.
Had we been someplace besides the parking lot behind the coffeeshop, we might have both lost our virginity to the other last night and today I wish we had. I can't ever remember being so physically excited as I have been the past 12 hours.
I can't stop thinking about him and I mean that in two separate ways. I can't stop thinking that I care a lot about him and the way he is in his heart but I also can't stop thinking about him physically.
Jerry is a little guy in his height compared to me but he is very attractive to me. He is half Korean and half American and has the most beautiful eyes. When I think about the way he wears his clothes, my mind goes into total sex overdrive. He's not skinny like me but by no means overweight, just filled out well. I can still see him in his blue Dockers and hoodie sweatshirt with his white basketball shoes.
The fact that we didn't do anything makes it even more tantalizing. There is still a mystery for both of us that I am now sure will be solved eventually.
We were laughing because we were talking about penis size and he said he hoped that I wasn't expecting a lot. "I am half Asian you know," he said.
He added that every tall guy like me he had seen in the showers at school was hung massively. I'm not going to give measurements but I will probably not disappoint him in that area. None of that matters to me right now and I can't see it having anything to do with anything really.
We hugged at the end of his long driveway out of the sight of the house. It was a feeling like I have never experienced before. Holding him in my arms was like having all the chocolate you ever wanted. I could actually feel us draining into each other in some sort of a spiritual way.
It didn't make me feel gay in the general sense, it actually made me feel strong and very aware of being male. It was like the first realization that I was male and proud of it, but still wanting this guy so bad.
He felt small in my arms and it felt like I just wrapped him up totally inside me. He was warm and his breath was like that of peppermint gum though I didn't notice him chewing gum.
When I started to let him go he held on like a little teddy bear. All the way home and even still today I can feel his warmth. It seems like we linked in some supernatural way. I'm feeling things I can't even describe. I don't know what they are. Suddenly I have this unreasonable fear of not seeing him again, a sort of sick sadness that only holding him again will quench. When I blink, I see his eyes. I never knew it was going to be like this. I don't know whether to be afraid of all these emotions or glad they are inside of me.
I stood in the gym after class and looked in the full-length mirror at myself. Not all bad, I guess. Dark brown hair, I need a haircut, kinda skinny looking but well distributed, looking tired but peaceful. I smiled at myself, the braces are gone now and my teeth are straight and freshly cleaned. I don't know I guess I was trying to convince myself that I was going to be worthy of Jerry in some way. For the first time I can see the Cuban eyes my dad gave me. I can see the long fingers that dance across the keyboard or hold the drumsticks always sticking out of my back pocket. People laugh, "One of these days you are going to injure yourself with those things."
No, I'm a drummer and it is a status symbol and for the first time I can hear my drums beating.
Holy shit, what's wrong with me? I'm done in!


patnelsonchilds's picture

It's great that you and he

It's great that you and he can explore this together. I hope it all works out great for the two of you. As far as sex goes, though safety isn't really an issue when you're talking about two virgins, my advice would be to use protection anyway, if only so that you don't get accustomed to having sex without it. If you're both going to be learning about sex together, you may as well learn about safety together too. For more cautionary type talk, read the interview with me that Jeff just published.

Also, let me just say again, don't buy into gay stereotypes. Being gay is not the same as being genderqueer or gender confused or effeminate. Although there's nothing wrong with being any of those things, they are not the same as being gay. "Feelin gay" as you put it, doesn't mean feeling less male. These are ideas that are drilled into kids' heads by a homophobic and basically ignorant society. While there are effeminate gay men, so too are there effeminate straight men, as well as very masculine gay men. I hesitate to even use those terms, but they'll do to make my point. While it's often true that gay men find it somewhat easier to express their emotions than straight men, even that is not universally true. In fact, the only generalization you can make about gay men is that they are attracted primarily to other men. That's it. None of the other stereotypes are true across the board.

I'm not trying to rag on you bro. I'm trying to get across to you that the only criteria for being a gay man is a romantic and sexual attraction primarily to other men. Beyond that, you are who you are - the same wonderful friend, brother, son...guy, that you were before you came to this realization - and that's all you ever have to be.

Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fanta

Damon's picture

I don't feel like you are

I don't feel like you are ragging on me. I expect to learn a lot of things from both this experience with Jerry and from people like you, here.
I guess I have lived a somewhat sheltered life so far in that, although my parents have never been homophobic, it was just never mentioned much.
I don't feel any different about myself but I do have some anxiety about coming out to anyone besides Jerry right now.
This is a good place to come to get the lowdown on how to feel or not to feel. Thanks

jeff's picture

Great post...

Sex will happen in its own time, no rush (although at your ages, well... let's be honest, virginity won't probably last too long).

The important thing is to remember the lesson of how much better it is to communicate. Just like when you both came out to each other, never shut that door again. When it comes to negotiating what you're OK with sexually, what you're feeling, or anything else, just keep talking with him. Never hold back.

Congratulations. You got the storybook coming out.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Damon's picture

I have a feeling this is all

I have a feeling this is all going to go very slowly and cautiously. I am not even sure where we go from here. Although I want us to become intimate at some point I am not sure what that is really.
Talk is great but both of us are somewhat shy and I can't imagine it going much further than that for the time being.
I have never been involved in show and tell or anything even remotely sexual in nature with anyone.
I guess that will be where mutually understanding each other's limits will come into play.

patnelsonchilds's picture

Here's a little article on

Here's a little article on gay sex. It's just a basic here's some of the things that gay guys do. It's nothing to be afraid of. If (or more likely when) you get to the point where you need more specific advice on sex, don't be afraid to ask for it here. I've been doing it fairly regularly for nearly thirty years, so I'm pretty well-versed in it. Jeff, of course, is still a virgin, but I'm certain he'd be happy to look some stuff up for you. :)~

He is right about communication though. Get intimate before you get sexual. By that I mean, until you're comfortable talking about sex with one another, don't engage in it. For one thing, it won't be all that good. For another, you're more likely to pull away from one another afterwards and less likely to discuss what you liked, disliked - what you'd like to try next, etc. You're on the right track here, kiddo. Just keep on the way you're going and don't jump the gun (no pun intended). In my considerable experience, the best sex happens when each person is more interested in their partner's pleasure than they are their own, so it only makes sense that if you wait until you truly trust and care for one another, your much more likely to rock each others socks when you finally get down to gettin down.

Anyway, I envy your chance to have your first experience with someone you realy care for. That happens al the time in the movies. Not so often in real life.

Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay
characters to Sci-Fi & Fanta

Damon's picture


Most of the things in the website I already had a clue about. Thanks for the info though. I am not sure what our relationship will be like but I can tell I won't fit well into the back-door approach. I have found out that knowing about something and actually doing it are two completely different things. For now I think we need to (a) talk. (b) do some mutual exploration and (c) do what comes natural to both of us.
It can be difficult though because even two guys sitting in a car for very long begins to look odd to some.
Too bad Jerry doesn't go to my school and play on the soccer team. The showers would be a great ice breaker, snagging a look and doing what we are supposed to be doing all at the same time. It's funny I get naked in the shower with a bunch of guys I could care less about and am afraid of what it will be like with Jerry.

patnelsonchilds's picture

LOL. Hey don't knock it til

LOL. Hey don't knock it til you try it. But I know what you mean. You've got the right idea. I think you guys will do fine.

Please visit my Myspace Profile and add me as a friend.

- Pat Nelson Childs
"bringing strong gay characters to Sci-Fi & Fantasy"