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the ghost's picture

I am not sure if I am actually going to post this journal entry or not.I am just feeling the need to write some stuff down and keep ironing out my thoughts as I did in my last journal entry.If I do actually post this one,I just want to say thanks to the people that commented on my last one.Jeeze now it sounds like I am making a speech.

So anyways.I went to bed soon after making my journal on here last night.When I woke up this morning I didn't feel as bummed out as I did before going to bed.Which felt a bit better.I'm still on somewhat of a downer though.I dunno I am just in a weird place in my head.I feel like I need to talk to someone in real life about what is actually going on with me at the moment.Sometimes I start to wonder about what is real and what is not.Sometimes I just don't know anymore.

I think I am just under a lot of pressure lately.It is probably making everything seem worse than it is.I am suppossed to be recording a demo of some songs pretty soon,and I am fairly worried about doing it.I don't feel good enough or ready.But then I think I never feel ready for anything.I have to be pushed to do everything,or I will never make a move.I have some shows coming up too,and I am also worried about them.Worried I wont be ready for them on time.Worst of all I have exams soon and I cannot seem to focus,to concentrate to study.

So then I wonder should I just blow off doing the other stuff and completely focus on my exams.Am I trying to cram too much stuff in at once?But I feel like if I drop out of the music stuff it is one of the last things that I actually care about that I am connected into.If I drop out I will also be letting a lot of people down.But I need to focus,I need to stop burying my head in the sand and make a damn decision on what it is that I am doing.I just want everything to go away.But it is my own fault for taking on so much at once.Dammit I need to sort myself out.

Then I arrive back to my sexuality.I am out to two friends which is great.They pretty much know exactly where I stand in a big muddle of confusion and they are cool with it.Whatever I turn out to be which is really re-assuring.But I am in a kind of weird place with friends at the moment.I have drifted a bit from some of the ones I would have considered good friends.It's not that we just don't bother with each other anymore.It's just that we went to different colleges and it put a bit of distance between us.So we are all kind of starting to move in different circles of people than before.Sure,we still meet up.But it feels like the dynamic has changed or something.I miss my friend that I stupidly fell really hard for.She has a new boyfriend and she spends her time with him now.

I have made some new friends also,but I kind of stay fairly distanced from them.They have actually commented on it.I think that is partially down to shyness,lack of confidence.Honestly I don't know.I am 21,I really thought I would have a lot more figured out by now.Re-reading what I have wrote I think I am turning into emo girl.Not good.At the start of this year I made a resolution to get on with my life and sort things out.Coming out to my friends did start me off on the right track and I am determind to get back on the positive side of things.I don't want to be sitting here this time next year still stressing over all this.

I think I might talk to my sister about some of this shit.She is good at giving me a wake up call to get myself focused when I need to.Talking to her I think would also involve telling her of my whole confusion on my gayness.We were talking about my gay cousin the other day and it gave me some reassurance that she will be ok with things.I sort of half worry that she would tell some more people if I do tell her.Like my parents for example.But part of me doesn't care because ultimately I don't think they are going to kick me out of the house or anything crazy,and at this point I would rather just let them in a little into my head.I know it wont solve everything,but at least it is a start.

Well this is one seriouly long,depressing ramble.I am actually questioning my sanity at the moment.But anyways I think I will post it and then go to sleep.Hopefully I will be able to look back at this in a while and know I have moved on from feeling like I do now.

Comments

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

21 and still wishy washy

I know the feeling. Just today I was considering completely changing my major from pre-med to theatre (not going to do it, I was just in a mood). I still second guess myself and the direction my life is taking. I was pretty bummed out, but then a new opportunity came up! The circus I am in is putting on summer shows! This way, I can still perform and junk without having to change my entire career plan.
:)
The only downside is that the meetings for the circus are at the same time as my student Queer group, so I am going to miss them.
:(
Just when it was really starting to become a very important part of my life. Makes me sad.
But honestly, I have learned a lot about myself since I joined that club, I am a lot more secure with myself, more ajusted to my orientation. It's not like I don't need the club anymore, but I don't need it so desparately as I did before. I am pretty much out now. And I feel good.

So yeah, I am 21, and I still go though complete backflips over my identity and life direction.
I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!