A long confused journal

the ghost's picture

If you are not sure if you are confused,does that technically make you confused if your not sure anyway?Ok,well before I write anything else I am just going to say I think this is going to be one of my long confused journal entries.But I'll try not be all whingy.Honestly I am just writing this to try and gain some clarity in my own head.

I'm 21 and I still have not as of yet completely resolved the issue of my sexuality.Ok,obviously I know that I am not straight or clearly I wouldn't be here right now,writing this.Mostly I think since I was around twelve or thirteen I have been aware that I am not straight.However I ignored or I could say avoided this fact for a long time,as I was far too scared to deal with it.This approach worked for me,kind of anyways.Sure I'd pretend that I had crushes on guys just to stay fitting in with my friends.But I never actually made any moves to act on my "crushes".So I have pretty much spent a lot of time avoiding relationships.Sure I have kissed some guys and stuff,but it was never something I really particularly wanted to be doing...and I was never really sober at the time.I have only ever really had one realationship with a guy in my life.I actually really didn't want to be with him.He was really nice,but there was zero attraction there.So I broke up with him.My timing of breaking up with him and joining this site actually just overlapped.Through dating him I realized that I could not go on pretending anymore,I needed to really face up and sort things out,and so the sorting out of things began.

I honestly just am not fully sure whether or not I am bi or gay.Over the last year I have most definitly excepted that there is no chance of me being straight.I am ok with that.I am a lot more comfortable,most of the time anyways with that.I have told two people who are fine with it,and at this point I feel like I could tell some more of the people that are close to me.Like before I used to have horrible feelings of shame like I could never tell anyone.But for the most part that has gone.So if I am comfortable being attracted to girls,why am I panicing about being bi or gay?

The thing is I have started to make friends with a girl I work with.Now I don't really know her that well.We just hit it off well,and we just get on better with each other than with a lot of other people at work.Everyone has their clique I guess.Well the thing is I haven't really felt ready to tell her that I like girls.Partially because of the confusion I still feel,and I just don't want to tell anyone at work.So basically telling her is not an option,and I could be fine with that for the minute.I have spent my life in a closet.The thing is she is trying to set me up with one of her friends.He really does sound like a great guy.But I just don't know what to do.

I had decided not to stress about picking a lable and go out with a guy if I was attracted,therefore not completely ruling them out.But it just feels so messy and complicated when somebody wants to get you involved with one of their friends.It could be awkward if it turns out that yes I am infact gay and my friend is friends with this guy.I don't want to hurt anyone,I really don't.But I could be turning down a chance of happiness because of my own fear.I just really don't know what to do.

I have talked to one of my friends who knows about me, about this.She thinks I should just go along and meet up with the guy and see how I feel,but I just don't know.I feel scared.I cannot even pinpoint my exact fear,it is just there.I guess I am scared of hurting someone.Especially a friend of a friend.I sort of feel like I would be using him as an experiment.If it was just some random guy who I thought I had some attraction too I would just go for it,because if I felt attracted to him then at least I would know I did feel something to start with,and it wasn't something I was just going along with because I just don't know how to deal with a situation.

Arrgh I don't know what to do.I doubt anyone has actually read this far.If you have thanks for your endurance.


Rockgirl's picture

Me 2..

Hey I´m in ur same situation. Like 2 months ago i told to 4 of my friends that I was confused n the 4 of them were kool with it.. but they told me 2 think bout it mayb it was just a phase.. later another friend gave me the best advice STOP TURNIN IT ROUND UR HEAD N JUST B.. so thats my advice do what ur heart feels.. hope it helps

electricity's picture


Reading about your kissing guys and having one relationship, it sounds like you're more geared for the females.

And, hey, I'm not quite sure myself if I'm bi or gay. For now, I say bi because I'm still attracted to guys and really enjoyed my previous relationship with one, but I know that I am in more for girls, based on my attraction and such. I think my mind reacts more to the idea of girls.

Really, it'll come to you. For now, just go with the flow. Have an attraction to whatever and whoever, no need to get it all totally figured out. Just let the attraction happen.


Toph's picture

All I have to say is follow

All I have to say is follow your instincts. All things I read point to gay, and if you do happen to fall for a guy then oh well. Sexuality is fluid, so that's what makes picking a label suck ass.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

the ghost's picture

Thanks for commenting

Reading back on what I wrote,I think if someone else had written it I would be telling them the same thing that I seem more gay than anything.I dunno,just hate that shadow of doubt.
On a funny aside the guy my friend wants to set me up is apparently fairly anit gay.Isn't life just charming!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt