A poem, an update, and I feel like a Barbie...

ReinbowGrl's picture

My lips taste of the tears that always fall for you.
Loving you is like leaving you.
Painful any way.
I've been Raising Kain for 2 years.
And raising hell since the day I was born.
Let me enjoy my play on words that make everybody laugh.
This is an easy way out and you presented it.
So I can say things that will hurt you.
But not me, because I'm so damn numb
I can't even feel the cold.
You're making it easy for me to be with her.
For me to lose myself in a lovers arms like I haven't been able to do in so long.
I can admit that I'm feeling for her feelings I thought I could ignore
Is this another illusion? Can I believe the secrets we share and words whispered?
Or am I just faking?
Because I have given so much and gotten nothing,
I've forgotten what it's like to be able to feel.
So I'll crank out this poetry
All with an under shadow of being forced
And nothing means what it says and I just wish I could hide in her arms.
I guess I'm the one who got tricked this time.
I believed you could be happy.
And I believed, so stupidly that it would matter.
Because nothing matters in this world where you just try to lose yourself
in the smoke and drown yourself in the liquor.
So you drink until the stars are painted on the eyelids that you never close.
Because dreaming means remembering and I just wake up screaming
But we were talking about you here.
Because all you do is give up and quit without even trying to see what life will be like.
Not that it matters because your life will be spent in a drive through window or in a basement...Looks like all your dreams are coming true.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I get mad and I say things I sometimes don't mean...I wrote this last night after fighting with Trish. I'm not sure if I mean it still this morning. I haven't re-read it yet. Shelby is in Lacey and she's still grounded...Trish's sister had her baby...So I now have a niece...I officially feel as if I fit in my family. I have 2 older sisters and they are both gorgeous. They spend hours in the mirror before even considering leaving the house...I take minutes, not hours to get ready...But because I have Millitary Ball tonight, I have turned into one of them...And I feel for once, like I am not the ugly one...There have always been things that set me apart from them...But right now...I belong...My finger nails are painted pink to match my dress for tonight. The concept that I could be covered in pink and not resisting every second of it...surprises me...Remember how Barbie had her finger nails painted some shade of pink and a ring that popped in and out through a hole in her finger? Well, I've got the pink nails and a ring on my finger...And my dress resembles something that Barbie wears when she gets all fancied up and goes out with Ken...And I insist that I know nothing of barbie dolls and dress up...Even though once, I was just like my sisters. My sisters are not complete air heads and they get down and dirty every now and again...We've all played softball and ran around with the boys growing up...Being gay seperates me from them, even if they do support me...But my older sister will always jump for joy and run down the stairs to hug me when I come home and I've got a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. And it's happened before...I've got different reactions from all of them...My oldest sister is 21. Growing up...I couldn't go anywhere with her...she's the type of gorgeous that takes your breath away and makes you do a double take...She is leave your wife pretty...She thinks it's amusing...But then again, she's the bad sister in the family...My older sister is 18. She has a more subtle beauty...It truly shines when she smiles...She doesn't understand that girls are just...better than boys...She's the fighter in the family. My younger sister is 13...She drives me up the wall. She's in such a rush to grow up...She looks closer to 15...I have to beat the boys away from her with a stick...Until they find out that she's 13...and then they run...I'm protective...She's the girl next door. Adorable and enough of a smart ass to leave your jaw hanging near the floor...She's the baby in the family but only in the sence that she gets what she wants...I have two other siblings under the age of 3...they're just cute...And they love me no matter what...But between those 3 beautiful girls...I'm begining to shine...And maybe it gives me hope...Because their jaws dropped when they saw me in my dress...

Amy