I spent a goddamn hour in Barnes and Noble before growing a pair and actually walking directly up to the "Gay and Lesbian" section. I swear to you, an hour!
I wrote down a lot of book names and such to look up at Barnes and Noble after my half day today. I found, about, one. If that, actually. I didn't find shit, basially. I looked in the fiction/literature section, primarily [where I wasn't scared] and then walked the long way to the gay and lesbian section. The biographies were perpendicular to it, so I stood in front of them as if I were interested in the non-fiction lives of God knows who. But my neck was craned to the gay and lesbian section.
Still, no luck finding books I wanted, so I walked away after freaking twenty minutes of staring [not to mentioning sweating a little] at the books. But I told myself "This is pathetic. You came to look at books. Those books. And who gives a shit if you're looking at gay related books?" Yeah, no one. But I'm out to all the 4 people, and though I love being gay and am comfortable with the fact that I am, it's still uncomfortable to "declare" it. Even with something as little as looking at books. You know?
But I went back, and stood in front of them. Now, I gave them space and I was almost back in the biography section, but at least this time I was facing the books. I picked out two and after reading the back cover of one and giving up, I read the other "Is It a Date or Just Coffee?" at one of the tables B&N supplies us with.
However, the book is more meant for mature audiences, not so much young teens like me. So I left with nothing. I felt disappointed though. I don't know. I've felt sort of discontent all day. Lonely? I don't know. Maybe take the childish route and say "Oh I want a girlfriend?" Maybe I just want to associate with someone similar to me--that is, gay.
I really just want to be more comfortable with being gay.