barnes and noble

electricity's picture

I spent a goddamn hour in Barnes and Noble before growing a pair and actually walking directly up to the "Gay and Lesbian" section. I swear to you, an hour!

I wrote down a lot of book names and such to look up at Barnes and Noble after my half day today. I found, about, one. If that, actually. I didn't find shit, basially. I looked in the fiction/literature section, primarily [where I wasn't scared] and then walked the long way to the gay and lesbian section. The biographies were perpendicular to it, so I stood in front of them as if I were interested in the non-fiction lives of God knows who. But my neck was craned to the gay and lesbian section.

Still, no luck finding books I wanted, so I walked away after freaking twenty minutes of staring [not to mentioning sweating a little] at the books. But I told myself "This is pathetic. You came to look at books. Those books. And who gives a shit if you're looking at gay related books?" Yeah, no one. But I'm out to all the 4 people, and though I love being gay and am comfortable with the fact that I am, it's still uncomfortable to "declare" it. Even with something as little as looking at books. You know?

But I went back, and stood in front of them. Now, I gave them space and I was almost back in the biography section, but at least this time I was facing the books. I picked out two and after reading the back cover of one and giving up, I read the other "Is It a Date or Just Coffee?" at one of the tables B&N supplies us with.

However, the book is more meant for mature audiences, not so much young teens like me. So I left with nothing. I felt disappointed though. I don't know. I've felt sort of discontent all day. Lonely? I don't know. Maybe take the childish route and say "Oh I want a girlfriend?" Maybe I just want to associate with someone similar to me--that is, gay.

I really just want to be more comfortable with being gay.

Comments

Toph's picture

It just takes time :D I

It just takes time :D I fully accept and love myself, but I still get nervous and jittery when letting people know. I'm out to like, I dunno, 20 people? But it's still weird letting people know your deepest secret, especially when suddenly declaring it by looking at gay literature. When I took Keeping You a Secret to school, I got nervous when someone asked what it was about and just said they wouldn't like it.

Lol, it's kinda cute and funny the way you just lingered around and stuff though.

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

-Ruby-'s picture

awww... lil muffin!

LOL i used to be like that too. before i was ever out to anyone (including myself) i would peruse the library/bookstore for lesbian literature and erotic books... clutching them in my sweaty little hands, my heart racing as i made every effort to avoid being noticed... it was fucking nervewracking.
eventually i worked thru my paralyzing insecurity... i was just like "this is who i am, this is my sexuality, and IT'S OK!" we dont have B&N in toronto, but we have Chapters/Indigo which is the same deal big-ass bookstore. i know i'm kewl with myself now cuz i went up to the counter and bought a book called "the Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks" (by jen sincero, which i highly reccomend btw) and i didn't give a flying fuck who saw... you'll get there too hunny!
until then, is there a gay/lesbian bookstore where u live? they'd prolly have a gr8 selection, and u wont have to freak if ppl see u cuz u know they're most likely gay too. :o)

electricity's picture

no bookstores =[

Not that I know of. Believe me, if we had any good gay hot spots, I probably wouldn't be typing this right now-- I'd be there instead. I don't really know how to find many "gay attractions" in my town. We have some kind of Rainbow Alliance but there website is crap and doesn't give much info. I'm thinking about going sometime soon.

But anyway... yeah the whole time I'm like "I want to be out and OK with who I am," yet, it's so nerveracking just to go look at the books. LOOK for chrissakes, I didn't even have intention to BUY.

[My mom was born in Toronto, btw.]

ejgarfunkel's picture

Yeah.

Yeah, that happened to me once. I was looking for a biography (lame) and saw the gay section right next to it. So I was standing there blatantly looking at the gay books and one of the employees walked by. She didn't even glance at me, but I got so freaking embarrassed. I don't know why, since this is Seattle and half the city is gay. So then I got mad at myself because I thought I had the whole gay pride thing going on (which is false anyway, since I'm still completely closeted), and now I was forced to realize that I still wasn't comfortable with myself. So...I guess that wasn't as comforting as I hoped it would be but at least you're not alone.

electricity's picture

same page

Yeah you and I seem to be on the same page, indeed. I'm sure it'll grow on us more, the more we're out and such. We probably just haven't had enough exposure, you know? Since we're mainly closeted.

Btw, Seattle's awesome. I went there last summer for all the two days and three nights [not a lot of time] and was very impressed. I want to move there. It's a great bonus that there's a lot of gays there!
=]

lookin to the future...'s picture

funny...

that just made my day.... "since this is seattle and half the city is gay".... so true!!! i love where i live!!! :)

jeff's picture

Eh...

Not sure what the hesitation is, beyond you using that as some mental hurdle toward coming out, etc. Technically, you could be writing a report on gay rights. I've been in every section of the bookstore, it doesn't indicate much of anything, except what section seems to have the hottest guys at that moment. :-)

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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pomegranate's picture

i know what you mean

Last year I went to the library and found a copy of Annie on My Mind. I was waaay too scared to bring it to the librarian to have it checked out, so I sat for three hours in the library reading it. I made sure I kept the cover pressed against my knees because I didn't want anyone to see what I was reading. LOL....memories....Thankfully, I've come a long way from there, and don't worry, you will too. I now have no problem buying or checking out gay books. I mean, people have other things on their minds. They don't really care who's reading the gay books and who's not. And if they do, and they don't like it, fuck them!