Does anyone feel this way?

no one's picture

I know that most people who are in the closet choose to be so because they are afraid of the reactions they will get from their friends, family, peers, etc. or they are just not comfortable in their own skin. However, does anyone here (who is comfortable with their being gay) feel that it's just nobody else's business or that it's just not something that they want to make the focus of their life? (I'm not saying I feel this way, but I'm just curious because I heard someone say this awhile ago). Also, does being "closeted" mean that absolutely nobody knows, or that you're just not completely open about it?

joemondragon's picture

Nobody knows for me, but I'm

Nobody knows for me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin, and not worried about my peers' reactions. If they have bad reactions, that's their problem, not mine. I'm ready to come out, but I'm waiting for the right time to do it.

no one's picture

Yeah, so like coming out is

Yeah, so like coming out is not something that you just absolutely have to do though, right?

Hyacinthus's picture

i feel...

I feel that being gay shouldn't be the sole defining aspect of your personality, but at the same time it is a very important part of who we all are. As such i feel that by hiding it from others we are not only not being true to who we are, but also are not letting them really know the real you in its intirety. thusly it is everyone else's business. now i support anyone who is in the closet, because we all have to come out at our own time, but i do believe that it is something we all must do. but that's just me...crazy hyacinthus! : P

"Persuasive speech, and more persuasive sighs,
Silence that spoke, and eloquence of eyes."
- The Iliad (bk. XX, l. 315), (Bryant's translation)

hellonwheels's picture


Being gay is just a small, tiny, pathetic piece of who I am, yet in our society of 'playaz' and such today, it seems that sex is all that anyone thinks about anymore and that everything revolves around it in our society...and therefore, if you aren't straight, you're automatically judged to be gay and an yeah, being gay, sometimes it is better to be in the closet...even if others know, you still don't have to be defined by the fact that you are don't have to make your sexuality your entire existance, even tho some choose too.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

MinorThreat's picture

I've been there before. At

I've been there before. At times I believe it is nobody's business, and in reality, that may be true because life itself, when talking to another peer, isn't focused on relationship. For example, if you talk to a friend, you could care less if he is in a relationship or not. If you go to work, you would care less if the boss is in a relationship. As long as you are doing your duty at work, that's what should be the focus.

But then I realized, family will always be there. From birth to death, and someday, they would realize that i'm gay - because families can tell because they are connected, you know?

SOLDoutSCENE's picture


lately i been more conftable with it, i don't hide it but i also don't like advertise it.

jeff's picture

I think it is entirely...

... about being comfortable in your own skin. Once that is resolved, then the reactions of others become irrelevant. Only when you give people the power to bring you down does it exist.

I also think all of the 'nobody's business' and 'don't advertise it' is still internal discomfort. The very notion of questioning whether to bring up your sexuality in general conversation is internalized self-hatred.

I also think that I am very interested in whether my friends are in relationships, and as you get older, a boss is not necessarily a mere authority figure, and you end up at their weddings, baby showers, etc. So, yeah, if you plan to have no real, lasting interpersonal relationships, then it can be nobody's business.

You determine the focus of your life. No one else. If being gay isn't at the center, that's fine. But then it's your job to make it one of the less interesting things about you by doing other more interesting things.

As for hellonwheels' comment, being gay isn't about sex. I've been gay all day and haven't had sex at all today, even with myself. But I saw a cute guy at yoga, just went into the Castro to send everyone their DVDs, books, and CDs, and saw some hot guys, etc. It's sort of always there.

When someone at work or school wears a wedding ring and is a male, is he really drawing attention to his sexuality? Is he advertising that he has sex with women? No. When your sexualty is integrated with your life, it just flows. When you consciously constantly think about its appropriateness, it isn't entirely flowing yet.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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jenevieve's picture

: : o u t ' n ' o u t : :

the idea of comming out really irks me. the only reason for it is because people assume that everyone is heterosexual and therefore gay people need to express that this isnt the case with them.

im out to my friends and a bunch of random people, but i never told them that i was gay. not once. i didn't need to. its just part of who i am and comes out through my personality.

this is the case for most straight people. they don't have to state their sexual preference, it's just shown through the way they live and act.

i count myself as very lucky to have been accepted this way and not to have had the pressure of 'comming out' looming over me.....although my parents don't know yet. i don't think. its only a matter of time.


My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All these women out there praying for a man, and i'm giving them my share. - RMB

jeff's picture


If one group accounts for 90ish percent of the population, it does put the burden on the 10ish percent to say, "I'm not one of them." I think it's a valid assumption that most people you encounter are going to be heterosexual, because your odds are pretty good you'll be right.

While I agree that you should just come out as a part of living your truth, and not that you're relieving yourself of some huge burden, ultimately I think I come down on the side of 'whatever works.'


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

deepspace87's picture

well, im very comfortable in

well, im very comfortable in my own skin, but i do care enough about what my friends think of me that i do worry about there reactions. and also, alot of me not coming out is because i want to make my life a little simpler by not having to deal with teh overly homophobic atmosphere high school has. after high school, i dont really care. ive come straight out to epople i had never met before that dont go to my high school, and i think after i get out of high school, it wont matter to me as much

Never be afraid to stand up for whats right. If you lose your values, you've lost yourself, so dont let someone change you into someone you arnt. Don't be afraid of the punishment, Rejoyce in the freedom that let to it.

no one's picture

i totally agree with that,

i totally agree with that, the whole high school thing is basically the only thing stopping me

TheInsideLlama's picture

Back at ya.

I get what ya mean it's a rough sea out there even in a small high school that is racially/ethnically diverse with only 500 sum odd kids.

The power within everyone will correct the wrongs of everyone else

lil_will87902's picture

NO i think its a matter of...

I think its a matter of self confidence. cause if your in the closet many ppl view that as being silent about it. but coming out doesn't mean everyone knows, its really more of a gradual thing, i think. i mean i'm really not a good person to answer this cause i don't care what ppl say or think but for other people i think you need to get past the fear of other peoples homophobia, cause you can't change yourself for them, especially in a school environment. but i'm perfectly comfortable, actually i was relieved cause there are more hot guys in my school than girls lol. anyway yeah i think its a matte of accepting who you are, cause i mean come on, if your gay, face it, ur gay for life. and that is my advice, which i think will help no one, but o well like i said i don't care what ppl think. ^_^
D.T.S BiiOTCH3Z!!!!!

no one's picture

yeah thats true about it

yeah thats true about it being a gradual process...i think i (and lots of other people) think of coming out as like telling the whole world, and it really doesn't have to be like that, it's just that you're not hiding it. i could be wrong, but its different for everyone

joemondragon's picture

I'd probably be out at my

I'd probably be out at my school, if it weren't for the fact that I'd be beat up if I came out to everyone. It's not that I care what others think about me.

no one's picture

yeah, exactly. i think for

yeah, exactly. i think for me in high school right now, the bad consequences (like getting beat up) would outweigh the good ones, so i think i'll wait a little while longer. however, i have to say that if i had a boyfriend who really wanted me to come out right now, i would do it.

Imstillhere's picture

For me being closeted is not

For me being closeted is not everyone knowing about it i think if you have only told a few people you are still basically closeted. I also think that you dont have to say your gay/bi/trans to everyone you meet because duh there is more to a person than that. And also sometimes if you tell someone that your LGBT or whatever you are thats all they want to talk about which gets really annoying. I think people should only tell people that are in your life but of course dont tell people your straight.

joemondragon's picture

I would, but my school is on

I would, but my school is on the wrong side of town (literally). To give you perspective, we constantly have 2 deputy sherrifs at my school. Along with that, we have 36 1/2 gangs (one is forming) and 3,000 students, so a: it would probably be phisically impossible to tell everyone at school I'm gay; b: I could even be knifed of shot if I came out to the wrong people, so I'm staying in the closet a little while longer.

no one's picture

woah, that sucks. oh well,

woah, that sucks. oh well, at least high schools not forever! lol and at least there's oasis where u can talk openly

joemondragon's picture

lol yeah. I'd probably be

lol yeah. I'd probably be safe around my friends, though. I was just commenting on the thing about being closeted only letting a few people know.

jeff's picture


I think closeted is when absolutely nobody knows. You are being selectively out.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

milee13's picture

I think that mindset has a

I think that mindset has a lot to do with internalized discomfort with one's self. I'm not out to everyone, but I am out to the people that I see on a daily basis. Regardless of how much crap is spouted about one's sexual orientation not being the defining factor in one's life--it is part of who you are, and it's kind of an important part--you can't exactly ignore it--it's just kind of there.
Telling people isn't advertising, it's just being honest and letting others get a better idea of all of the facets that make up who you are.

I question the comfort level of people who make those kinds of statements.

yes...yes...I see....

Grace Hughen's picture

I came out when I was in

I came out when I was in middle school (because I was really really stupid and naive; don't laugh at me!!!) but I don't consider myself out. I mean, it's on my Facebook for everyone to see, but I don't talk about being lesbian and unless someone directly asks me, I will not tell them what gender I prefer.

I understand what that person said about it being nobody else's business and not something to focus on (one of my friends feels the same way), but I personally can't imagine how being closeted would take away the focus on being gay. Sure, nobody else would see you differently, but it makes your whole life a big lie. It gets nerve-wracking.