Frustration, Hatred, Depression

Inkblot's picture

Be warned: This entry will be filled with me venting my frustrations at the world and other things, as well as other angst.

Since realising my transness, I feel like I'm fighting to wake up in the morning and be happy. Like there are a million things out there that can crush me with the bat of an eyelash, and who do I think I am to try to exist. Figuring out the root of my insecurities served to magnify them to a ridiculous sense, to the point that I sometimes curl up on my bed in fear that if I leave my room I'll be recognised as a girl. The internal monologue goes like this: "If nobody sees me I can pretend I don't exist. If nobody acknowledges me I don't have to go pretend to be a girl. If I stay in here I'll be safe. I won't have to hide if I'm hiding already.".

Then there is the ever-present question of my body. I cannot really say that I hate my body completely. I have nothing against my hands. Or my feet, or legs, or shoulders. My breasts and vagina, however, feel like tumours and an open wound, respectively. Or, perhaps more accurately, like foreign bodies that attached themselves to me for no particular reason, don't really want to be there, I don't want them there, but there's nothing either of us can do about it. So I'm stuck. Occasionally blind revulsion at my physical femaleness keeps me from doing things I want to do, like goofing off with friends, because, inevitably, one of them will snap my bra, or whack me in the chest, or something. It's always there and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Third point. I have rendered myself more or less completely impotent. I can't deal with being physically turned on as a female, so I avoid it. Unfortunately, I still get horny, I still wish I could be physical, but I can't. It fucks with my head to an extent that ignoring it is easier. I imagine this is what erectile dysfunction feels like, but worse, because I never could get it up, because I don't have it. Which is frustrating.

Which brings me to the joys of thought. If I think too much about this, I start freaking out about the concept of surgery, paying for it, undergoing it, how my girlfriend would take it, and other such shit. I'm thinking too far ahead out of pure fear, in that I don't want to blunder into this blindly, and as a result I'm overcompensating and scaring myself about things too far ahead to affect me yet. I'm trying to relax, but it's damn hard. This results in much sobbing at ungodly hours of the night.

To top it all off, I feel completely alone. I realise I'm not the only one, and there are wonderful, supportive people in my life, but there's nobody who can be with my to dry my tears at night. There are people who would, but they're too far away. Admittedly, this 'too far' is generally at most 17 miles, but still. It feels like oceans and continents. So, I turn to information, my saviour, my lifeblood. Then I end up screwing with my own head by over-thinking things that aren't even relevant to a 14 year old. It makes me feel less alone, in a way, but no book ever put its arms around someone.

This whole mess has more or less crushed my sense of self worth. I can't be a decent girl, or even female. I can't be a "real man" because my biology is aligned against me. I realise that it doesn't take having a dick or not having tits to be a man, but it sure helps.

Okay, I'm done now. It helped to get it all out there.


Toph's picture

Oh, wow, reading this I

Oh, wow, reading this I thought you were 17 or 18, but you're just 14? I think you need to stop worrying, but I understand how you can feel stuck. You're so young, but, again, I understand that some people acknowledge these things quickly. I'm sorry you feel this way. Not that you feel trans but that you're frustrated by it. Well, I want to offer wise words that'll make you feel better, but to be honest I have nothing. All I can say is that it's simply one chromosome that separates the girls from the boys. I realize that breasts are hard to hide, but binding helps. It takes getting used to, but it really does help (at least for me.) Also, if you bind then they can't snap your bra. I'm not trans, but I understand the frustration of being a girl. That simply because a person posses the double X chromosome means certain behaviors and actions are expected. That having breasts automatically identifies a person. Well, if you ever need to chat, just pm me, okay? I really don't mind at all.

~May the spirits guide your every assure you please her in all the right places XD

Inkblot's picture

Thanks hon

I think I just needed to get it out and mope for a bit. I feel better now.

I tried binding, but it hurt like hell and was doing more hard than good. Yay for baggy shirts and small tits. :P

Anyways, thanks for replying. Much love.

Do I shock you darling?
-Sally Bowles, Cabaret

Toph's picture

Oh, you're welcome. Glad

Oh, you're welcome. Glad you're better now.

~May the spirits guide your every assure you please her in all the right places XD

paintthesilence's picture

Ay, trans stuff.

Aw man, I just typed out a bunch here and then my computer tweaked and deleted it all. So, take 2.
I can honestly say that, for me anyway, the most helpful thing has been talking to other trans people.
More specifically, I had come out to one of my friends, and she put me in touch with her sister's boyfriend's roommate, who happens to be a transgirl in her 20's. I was way too nervous and all around apprehensive to email her for about a month, but when I finally did, I was completely overhwhelmingly relieved at how friendly and open she was about the whole thing. Talking to her has been so, so helpful - she's been on hormones for about a year and a half and is fulltime as a woman now.
The fact that she's MTF and I'm FTM-ish hasn't been a problem at all; many of the issues, aside from the physical changes that come with transition, are the same, and talking to her about all the anxieties having to do with money, family, friends, coming out, surgery in general (obviously the specifics are different), feeling like shit in general, feeling alone, and all the hoops you have to jump through before you can start any physical transition (hormones, surgery, etc), has been unbelievably helpful. She's invited me to a genderqueer/trans group at an LGBTQ center/library I didn't even know existed until she told me, which leads me to my next point:
I know that not everone has a handy Slightly Older, Trans Friend of a Friend. However, If you live in a semi-big city, do some research on local groups and see if there are any that are legit and not creepy or anything that you might be able to go to, even just once to see how it goes. Maybe bring along someone you trust, if you're out to anyone, if it seems a little daunting to go alone.
Really, though, you're never truly alone - there's an entire community of friendly transfolk around that are just discreet by nature. It's just a matter of knowing where to look.
Hope this could be of some vague help, and if you ever feel like venting to someone floating around on the FTM spectrum, don't hesitate to send me a message.

-Ruby-'s picture

This is a great entry

Thank you for sharing your experience with gender. Your writing is amazing, it's so impressive that you're only 14! Good for you for being so open and honest with yourself and others, about issues as complex as gender and sexuality. When i was 14 i wasn't even able to say out loud, or write down, "i think i'm gay." It was a process that took years. Personally, I love being a girl. I'm super femme. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to hate your boobs and pussy, the parts of your body that are supposed to bring you pleasure. They're bringing you pain, and the way you described it really helped me understand what kind of struggle trans people must go thru. It sounds like a nightmare. It sounds like you are frustrated because the changes you want to go thru, gender reassignment surgery/hormones, are changes that you can't make on your own. You're right, at your age you can't worry too much about that stuff because you probably have to be at least 18 or so to legally undergo transition. But it's good that you're getting psychologically prepared. Remember that people love and support you exactly how you are, right now, and you might feel better if you tried to love and support yourself too. If you put conditions on your happiness, like "I won't be happy until I am physically male," you are going to have a harder time feeling good about yourself. You seem like a strong, intelligent person, and you don't need any physical apparatus to be a "real man." Good luck with everything, take care of yourself and keep writing! :o)

Morgan's picture

I Compensated

I ran, I worked out, got buffed, tits shrank, didn't go on the rag as much, became an athletic show-off by doing stuff like hurling myself over taller than me road dividers, pulling myself over taller than me walls, and also becoming about as arrogant and obnoxious as one can get. You can sorta unsex yourself, but it won't turn you into another gender, and it's hard work. A lot of people will start calling you 'sir', though.

I stopped doing this in my early 30's. I then threw myself into work and silly phantasies that were very time consuming, and averageing 3 hours of sleep a night for 6 nights a week, I couldn't keep it up. I ended up eating out every day, putting on 40 lbs. (it took 12 years, but I was originally underweight, so. . .now at 150 lbs.), and going to hell in a handbasket.

Well, I had my fun in those days. Too bad they didn't have Kevis, then. I would have been more convincing if I'd had inch long nosehairs.

And don't take it too hard. It's not forever. I mean, you gotta die some time.

Maybe you should write a prose book along the lines of what I did. It made me feel better.