I'm 20. I'm gay. I can't come out.

MinorThreat's picture

Hello. This is my first post here and I just joined the forum. Let me start off by saying i'm very confused. Not sexually but I am confused as to how to approach other people with my sexuality. I'll say this, I've been gay ever since I can remember - even when I was a young lad, not even in my teens yet. I've always been attracted to guys. I didn't start dating guys until I was in high school - my sophmore year, I was 16. I'm currently in a relationship with someone in Canada, I live in the US and I hope to move by next year. My only problem is, if it falls through - I will still be here stuck with my parents. I just dropped out of college due to personal struggles so I have been living at home. I love my parents but the don't really know who I am, you know?

When I was 16, I came out to my parents. Not sure what they were to do, they put me in counseling which didn't help. Since then, i've never tried coming out again and I am afraid. I know now that I am an adult and I can make my own choices but still technically living under my dad's ground rules, I don't know how to approach them. What can I do or say? My sister knows i'm gay, my best friend knows i'm gay. They are both okay with it but I don't think my parents would be. Please help me.

Also, if anyone else would like to talk outside this forum, i'd like that. I'd like to further discuss this with others. Preferably Ohioans? Is there any way to get information about maybe public meetings in my county or city? Like, you know there are AA meetings.. are there types of meetings out there for gays? Please help.

Much thanks,
My MSN: jordanedge@msn.com

Duncan's picture

That's a hard situation. I

That's a hard situation. I understand where you're comming from, although my parents reacted slightley differently. One thing you can do is look in your local phone book for some stuff. (gay and lesbian.) I don't really know what there is in Ohio, but I'm sure someone here will be able to help you will that. Maybe post something with "Attention all Ohioians"
or something of the sort, that may help... Ask if anyone knows about any gay and lesbian centres or groups. You may be able to find some information for tyour parents through PFLAG (parents and friends of lesbians and gays) I understand how hard it may be to come to them with something like this. I understand first hand how dense they can be with stuff like this and they'll probably resist. Mine did, and I still haven't gotten them to read anything. Which is hard, but whatever; give it a try. It can't hurt to try. even if they get pissed off, a liottle bit of conversation, even negative, will bring them to have to face/and/or think about it. remember that.
I hope this is helpful. You can message my profile anytime if you need to taklk

Courage is contagious... be strong, and soon you won't be standing alone.

Campfire's picture

Hmm.. To be blunt, nobody


To be blunt, nobody said coming out is easy. Especially if you have what some may call homophobic parents. However, you got over the first hurdle which must have taken some guts, to come out to them when you were 16. However, instead of putting up with the struggle you seem to have conceded defeat and gone back into the closet due to your parents? This does nothing to help you or them. It just means they can go on living a lie, and you carry on living that lie which inevitably leads you to unhappiness - evidenced by your post. It won't get any better until you face it, and you seem to have reached that inevitable point in life where you are actively thinking "enough is enough." That's a good thing as perhaps this time round that mentality will give you the strength to see this through. You only have to read the posts by others who have come out to realise that coming out is, whilst sometimes difficult, ultimately one of the happiest events of your life.

Your parents reaction when you originally came out seems, judging from how you worded it, not particularly terrible. I mean yes it hurts when your parents disapprove of something like this, it's not like you can help it. But I assume they didn't scream and call you a fag or threaten to throw you out? That would say to me they love you. It's just a shock, one which you've let them not face by not confronting them with the issue.

Ultimately I suppose my advice is to talk to them again - one at a time perhaps whoever you think is easiest to tell, or both at the same time if you prefer. You know your parents better than I do! This time round they can't do silly things like put you into counselling. You still feel the same way about this as you did when you were 16, so they can't come out with the "just a phase" argument. You have the upper hand this time :-)

You might want to read www.familyacceptance.org it's a touching website I saw in the Coming Out section of Oasis (which you may also wish to browse if you haven't already). Your parents would probably benefit from reading it too if that's viable. Remember, it's a possibility they'll never be okay with it, but that doesn't mean you deserve to live in unhappiness! In the vast majority of cases I've seen though, parents always come around eventually, for some it takes hours, for some months. Love for your children is a powerful emotion. Point in hand is your sexuality isn't going anywhere, and you're not going to get the chance to live this part of your life again.

I wish you and your partner the absolute best by the way, and I also hope you manage to get this sorted out with your parents. Remember, as long as you have Internet access people on Oasis will read what you have to say and be there for you, even if not physically :-)


"If we were to wake up some morning and find that everyone was the same race, creed and color, we would find some other cause for prejudice by noon."
- George Aiken

haleyxlynn's picture


well if you live close enough to dayton you can go to the dayton pflag thewebsite is pflagdayton.org so yea

jeff's picture


At 20, you can do anything you want. get a job, move out, start your own life.

So, "can't" come out is just part of the larger issue of not starting to live independent.


"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

lil_will87902's picture

i agree

yeah i agree with Jeff. just be confident and tell the people closest to you. its harder to keep it from them to tell them

MinorThreat's picture

Thank you all for posting

Thank you all for posting and helping. The most odd thing ever happened the day I posted. That afternoon, my sister talked to me and told said she told my parents i'm gay and that they are okay with it! I was thinking in the back of my head, "What are the odds of this?"

Seriously, I couldn't be more happy. My parents haven't confronted me about it yet though. I'm giving them time to think things out. But i'll be waiting for them to talk to me. I want them to talk to me. Because even though they know, it's as if i'm still on hold waiting.

One of my good friends (who is a librarian) has an uncle who is a gay counselor and she is going to ask him for more information on local groups for me. This is another big step in progress.

I've never said this before on here but I might've hinted in my first post. I have been in gay relationships but i've never truly lived a gay life, so this is all new to me - even at my age. As i've been stuck in the closet for almost 5 years now.

And yes jeff, I know I can do anything I want - I could move out, get a job, so on but yeah i'm not totally independent yet. I hope I will be able to soon but money is a major issue and with the money i'm making, I really can't move out again so I believe i'm glad my sister told my parents because that was a major load off my chest and now I can feel okay being myself and looking forward to the future.

lil_will87902's picture

i'm so happy for you!!!! i

i'm so happy for you!!!! i really hope you find a good group to go to!!!! my ex-ex-ex-boyfriend and i met at a group. but it was far away form me becuase i went to BAGLY which is a GREAT support group one i highly reccomend.

joemondragon's picture

Wow! That's great. And a

Wow! That's great. And a coincedence. Anyway, good luck with the first confrontation with your parents!

MinorThreat's picture

So I talked to my mom about

So I talked to my mom about me being gay.
She's okay with it completely.
The only thing she regrets is how "bad" I must've had it in high school, holding it all in.
I see what she means.

Anyway, May 5? My dad's work-buddy, who is also a lesbian, is having a Cinco de Mayo party at her home. My mom said it can also be my "coming out" party because there's going to be a lot of gays and lesbians there. Anyone wanna come with me? :) heh

Yeah, so things are going well and my mom said I can talk to my dad about it.. but i'm still very nervous. I might bring it up tomorrow when we go golfing together.