Internalized Homophobia? Self hate?

peanut_gallery's picture

Recently a lot of people have been confronting me about why I'm not out to the world, why my myspace says 'straight' and my facebook says 'interested in men' (lol), and I haven't had an answer for them.

I think I'm kind of like the guy who is fine with gay people in all aspects of life except his own children. I have gay friends, sure, but I have a harder time accepting it in myself. I mean, I recently said to my friend, "I think deep, deep down, I'm extremely homophobic." and she just looked at me and said, "That makes sense."

So, thoughts? Has anyone ever thought or felt this? What did you do?

wilma wonka's picture

I went through that

I was always gay-friendly. One of my best friends came out to me as bi before I knew I was gay and she said I had a fine reaction. I was pretty shocked so I'm sure if she could read minds she would've thought I reacted poorly but whatever. I used to be like you. I hated myself for being gay but eventualy I got used to it. I wrote a poem about that self hate. here it is:

Sure, I'm gay, a dyke, a flamer.
But why do I care
about being a perverted sinner.
Sure, I'm gay, a dyke, a flamer.
Than my kind there's no one lamer
At my flawed self, non but I stare.
Sure, I'm gay, a dyke, a flamer.
But why do I care?

I live in probably the most gay friendly enviornment that exsists so the only thing keeping me in the closet is how I feel about myself not the fear of how others will react if/when I come out. I have found that I can just ignore other people's sexuality so I'm fine with it but with my own sexuality it's constantly in my face and it's a lot easier to be uneasy with something that's constantly preasent than something that's ignored.

maianess's picture

I think there's a kind of

I think there's a kind of passive homophobia that's just about how not the norm it is in society. I never had anything against gay people at all, yet it was still hard for me to come out, and I didn't want to be gay, because even though I never had anything against gays, I... I don't know. I was afraid of people's reactions, I guess, and of society's reactions, because it's so "not normal." Stupid society...

Life is short: make fun of it.

hellonwheels's picture

every god damn day, bro...

I think I will always feel that way about homosexuality...it's ok for others, but when it comes too me, not.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

utter_insanity's picture

I've always been

I've always been gay-friendly, even when I thought I was straight, since I have gay family members and all. But when I started discovering that I might be a lesbian, I thought, "Eh? How is this possible? How can I be gay? Argh! I can't be gay! I'm not a freak, I know I'm not!"

See, for me it was okay if other people were gay, but if I was gay myself, then I was automatically a freak. I know it sounds kind of weird, but it was what I thought at the time.


"Women in rubber will ALWAYS be flirting with me!" --Maureen in the musical RENT

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

hypocrite

I felt like such a hypocrite when I figured it out.
It took a loooooong time considering how long I should have known. When I figured it out the first thing I thought was "there's something wrong with me" even though just a month before I had been cheering up one of my gay friends who was down because other people say that it's wrong.
Even though most of my best friends were gay, when I found out that I was too, I hated it. I wanted it to go away. I even tried to make it go away.
ha
that didn't work
I had been teased ever since elementary school just because I had short hair. My grandparents really didn't like that I wasn't interested in "girly" things, and even more worried when I didn't date boys. Even though I suspected it then, I tried to find as many reasons as I could to make it not so. Even though my immidiate family is SO okay with it, I felt threatened by society at large.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

the ghost's picture

Hey!

Yeah I still have feelings like this too.I have absolutly no problem with anyone else being gay,but just myself.Sometimes I am fine with it,and sometimes I have a total and complete freak out about it,and hate myself for it.
But since I have come out to a couple of friends these feelings have eased because they are so comfortable with me being gay,it makes me feel reassured that it actually is fine to be gay.
I am not really sure what advice to give you.Perhaps just surround yourself with friends that know and are not bothered by you being gay.Maybe with time your confidence will grow and you will be ok with it.Thats what I am hoping to do myself anyways.Good luck.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

the mouse that roared's picture

:)

Yes. I used to be very homophobic. No one else in my immediate circle or family really accepted that attitude, so I didn't voice it. But I always thought it was weird, gross. As I was coming out to myself I would walk down the halls and see a girl and go "Oh! She's cute! Heehee!" all nervous to myself. It would surprise me; it was like a game. Now my attraction to girls is natural to me; I sometimes refrain from staring, but that's usually for others' comfort and not my own. But I haven't found a label for myself yet. I haven't quite connected all of this with "gay" in the instinctual part of my brain. I go to a gay youth group meeting, and someone says "gay," and I jump inside. I'm not even in denial or anything anymore.

Probably part of the lack of my connection with "gay" is because I may be genderqueer, where I am struggling with self-prejudice right now. A LOT of that is fear, and my own misconceptions and confusions. I'm not a freak, I think, not a freak. My desire to be accepted in my surroundings, especially right now in my life, limits my options of where to go. If I'm trans, it's like how underground gayness was in the fifties or something. Searching out those safe connections, fear of freakishness, beatings, and murder. Holy cow, even my friends who've I've dropped hints to just have these horrible long silences.

Wow. That got rambly. Back to the main point. It's ridiculous how deeply we feel our urges to love someone or act a certain--gender? what is that anyway except societal conditioning? Our conditioning is nearly as deep, and intertwined with instinct. Scary.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

underdarkness's picture

Something else people don't

Something else people don't see as being internal homophobia is the "I'm gay but I'm not one of those stupid stereotypical gays."

Even gay people don't seem to be able to let people be themselves, even if it annoys the shit out of them. That, in essence, is hypocrisy as well as internal homophobia. Society conditions you to hate these people because of how they act so when you accept your own sexuality you draw a line between personality and sexuality. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you act stereotypically, but a lot of gay people do for one reason or another.

We need to embrace our entire community. I know gay guys who are anti-stereotypes (not just the believe of the stereotype but the being of the stereotype), anti-trans, anti-bi and anti-anything that they feel makes "Us" look bad. It's sort of the Larry Kramer "I must speak for ALL gay people" syndrome.

- One Nation, Under Darkness, with liberty and justice for white, heterosexual, rich, Christian men

-Ruby-'s picture

Good topic

I don't think I've ever been homophobic, i just took a long time to understand my sexuality and become comfortable with it. I've always been really feminine, really stereotypically girly. I hang out with a lot of guys, but i've noticed that pretty much all of them are "emotional/sensitive" types that feel the need to talk about their feelings. Even when i dated guys, in retrospect i realize that a lot of them were kinda effeminate. I'm just drawn to those guys and they're drawn to me. I'm a lipstick lesbian and a faghag and that's really comfortable for me. Gender has become such a fluid thing these days, and people have so much freedom to express who they are, regardless of whether they are male, female, trans, gay, straight, bi, whatever. As a woman and a lesbian and a feminist, I just have to be myself and be totally honest about who I am. Some people are gonna be respectful, some people are gonna be complete assholes. Some people will understand me and some never will. I finally realized that I can't live my life according to what other people think, and I can't even tell you how important that's been.

taste the rainbow's picture

Ya, I'm pretty much like

Ya, I'm pretty much like that too. I'm completely fine with all gay/bi/les/whatever people, but when it comes to myself, I'm like 'oh nooo!' Like, I'm fine with my sexuality right now, but when I think about my future, like anywhere from 5-10 years from now, I get scared. Everything family wise (everything from my families responce to my future children/grandchildren) that I have imagined all my life just seems to fade out and blur. And ya, I don't like that feeling.

"What they don't know can't hurt them

but it sure as hell can hurt me"

underdarkness's picture

You can still have children.

You can still have children. Easily.

- One Nation, Under Darkness, with liberty and justice for white, heterosexual, rich, Christian men

Imstillhere's picture

Wow

Im going through that exactly right now. I have no problems with gay people but i do not want to accept in myself. It feels so weird its like yay your gay but to myself im like you suck. Im really just trying to accept myself and work through it and definatley not be so harsh on myself. I suggest talking to your gay friends. It has helped me out quite a bit. Hope it helps :)

Imstillhere's picture

Wow

Im going through that exactly right now. I have no problems with gay people but i do not want to accept in myself. It feels so weird its like yay your gay but to myself im like you suck. Im really just trying to accept myself and work through it and definatley not be so harsh on myself. I suggest talking to your gay friends. It has helped me out quite a bit. Hope it helps :)

Imstillhere's picture

Wow

Im going through that exactly right now. I have no problems with gay people but i do not want to accept in myself. It feels so weird its like yay your gay but to myself im like you suck. Im really just trying to accept myself and work through it and definatley not be so harsh on myself. I suggest talking to your gay friends. It has helped me out quite a bit. Hope it helps :)

QuakerOats's picture

No matter how you are

No matter how you are raised, I think living in a culture where you are oppressed and where stereotypes and slurs are thrown at you all the time, you end up internalizing some of that. I do stupid things, like everytime I hear someone say that's so gay, i say in my head two or three times gay is good to try and counteract it....We're all wounded, in a way, deep down though I think, but we're lucky to be born now when it doesn't totally fuck up your life.

Grace Hughen's picture

I sometimes hate being

I sometimes hate being lesbian because everybody else in my grade has gone on a date or had a very public crush at some point, and I don't have a chance at any of that. I don't know anybody else at my school who's lesbian, even though I'm sure there must be somebody else. (I do know some gay guys, but that's very different.) But I don't hate myself for being lesbian. It's not like I can help it. I just get mad at myself for other reasons, like being wrong all the time.

Latin Lez's picture

ive been in a secret lesbian

ive been in a secret lesbian relationship for nearly 7 years. we live together as "roomates" and only a few people know about us...close friends. i still HATE being gay. I feel shame and disgrace. i cant bear the idea of causing my family...especially my mother...pain. more than their pain, i feel my pain. i cant believe that i ended up becoming a lesbian. i love my girl sooooo much...but loving her makes me HATE me. i jus wanna be normal and acceptable to this society in which im stuck in!