melon collie and the infinite sadness

the ghost's picture

I have been spending way too much time online.I think I have been online nearly constantly since I got dressed today.I am finding that I increaseingly spend my time online.I'd say free time,but it is not free time,it is all my time.I like it here,I don't mean just here on Oasis.I mean here on the internet.I can listen to music,chat to some friends on msn,or not if I don't feel like it.I can pretty much do whatever.But I still feel unhappy.I am not sure exactly how to describe it,or to pinpoint why I feel like I do.

I feel like I have become bored of people,and by people I mean everyone that I talk to on a day to day basis,face to face.Like yesterday I was chatting to a girl I work with on the way home.But honestly I was bored.I felt like I was just going through the motions of conversation,and being polite about stuff I really couldn't give a toss about.I found myself eager to just get home,and safe away into my room away from everyone.I feel safe when I am there.I am away from everyone.I can be in my own little world.

That is it.I think I sort of like being alone these days.I don't think I am bored of people so much as they seem like too much effort.Like I feel a pressure to act a certain way that I just don't feel.I feel like I have to act happy,like I am enjoying life when I am around people.Even my friends.They listen to me a little bit,but they just don't get what I am saying.So I have stopped trying to talk to them about stuff.I just be the person they like.I'll be funny,nice,listen to them blah blah.But lately I can't find myself being overly bothered to be anything with them.Mostly I just want to be alone because it is easier.

I had been ok for the last while.I go through phases of being all down,and then I am ok again.I think this is one of those times but for some reason I am just feeling it ten times worse than usual.I think my sexuality is a factor in how I am feeling.I sort of worry that what if I have made a mistake or something and I'm not gay,I'm bi or something like that.I dunno it might sound lame and stupid.But basically yesterday as I mentioned in my journal,some new friends want to set me up with some really great guy they are friends with.For a short while I considered just going for it.I was thinking for a while I could go along with it and make it work.It would make my life easier,things would be more straight foward(no pun intended).But then when I actually started to think about actually going out with this guy I felt really stressed out and kind of sick from stressing about it.The thing is sometimes I still worry that maybe I am bi.Like I know that I am attracted to girls,but there is sort of this grey area when it comes to guys.I don't really know.

For a while I was sure with ok I'm gay.But then I started hanging out with this really cool guy.He was smart and funny,and had a cuteness to him.But I don't really know how I felt about him and it confused me.Like I loved spending time with him,and I missed him when we stopped hanging out so much.The thought of kissing him didn't completely gross me out,but I had no particular desire to be with him either.So I just don't know.I just worry that I haven't given guys enough of a chance or something.I know people will say that lables don't matter and all that.But I hate feeling kind of confused.

I am not sure whether to call myself gay or not because I am not sure if it is truely reflective of me.Then I don't know whether to say bi,because I am not that into guys.Like there are some famous guys that I could look at and think nice!But in general day to day life it is mostly girls.Arrrgh I dunno.I know I shouldn't stress about this but I do.

Then there is the whole keeping it to myself thing that makes me have a melt-down too.I think that is why I am partially just loseing interest in other people,because I am never really being myself.I am just going through the motions of being the image of myself that I have given them.
Wow this post is really long and a woe is me kind of thing.I just needed to vent somewhere and iron out my thoughts.Sometimes I think I am going mad.Though I don't have the "I wish I was dead" type of thoughts anymore which is always a plus.I have slapped myself(not literally) out of those.So yeah I better go.Back to my room.

Comments

whateversexual_llama's picture

I can't say I read your

I can't say I read your entry but try... "meloncholy."

Much luv!

Whatever I did, I didn't do it.

Y - GuRl's picture

uh oh, wuh oh

Um.. that was a bit of a rude comment. On the Smashing Pumpkins album, it is actually spelt 'Mellon Collie...'. Oopsie daisies!

Anyway I did actually read your entry and it sucks you're feeling bummed I know everyone says you know, just don't worry about labels and that.. but it's true, it works. I stopped bothering with trying to pinpoint down every attraction I ever had and then analyse it to death. (I mean I would have done so much better in school if I put as much thought process and brain juice into class as I did when analysing my sexuality) I feel a lot better and things have become clearer for me, and I hope it will work that way for you too. As for feeling like alone time.. we all get like that hey, just make sure you don't lock yourself away for too long, you may miss out on something good. (that sounded so 'star sign sally' or something..) It helps to see someone you actually like who can cheer you up a little (preferably not straight-crush, she will probably make you feel worse) Hope ya get outta feeling crappy dude.

pomegranate's picture

well...

it's actually melancholy

pomegranate's picture

well...

it's actually melancholy

pomegranate's picture

oops...

why did i post that twice? and i meant for it to go under whateversexual_llama's comment. i'm sorry. looks like I don't really know what I'm doing here. okay, bye. let's hope this post doesn't appear like three times or something! :o(

electricity's picture

confusion sucks

You sound rather confused on identifying your sexuality still. Don't get too wrapped up into trying to nail it down. It'll be clear with time. For now, just follow your heart; if you like a guy, cool, if you like a girl, cool.

paintthesilence's picture

Ugh, it really sucks when

Ugh, it really sucks when you don't know what group to fit into. I know it pops up a lot on here, and it always ends up at the same conclusion, which is "don't think about labels, la la".
Sometimes though, it just feels like... you want to just belong to one group or the other, yea? Just to belong to something, especially if you've been feeling kind of disconnected lately.
Just keep at it. Life, that is. Things'll get better, and like electricity said, the sexuality issues'll clear up in time.
Oh, and props on the Smashing Pumpkins reference. :)

pomegranate's picture

aaww

Hey, you know what? I think it's totally cool if sometimes you just feel like being a social recluse and hanging out with your computer. We all have days like that, so don't worry. Just feel what you feel, and it will pass. I believe that when we supress our feelings or feel guilty for feeling certain things, these feelings we were trying to avoid come and bite us in the butt. So yeah...it's okay.
On the other hand, if you feel like you're hiding certain parts of yourself from others and it's bothering you and stopping you from wanting to hang out with them, well, just try and be yourself. I know it's hard, but honestly, the worst that can happen is they won't like you, and if that's the case, then they weren't true friends to begin with.
Hope this helps! :o)

the ghost's picture

Thanks for the comments

Thanks for the comments guys,they have made me feel a little better.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt