Today in values class we had this wierd workshop where we were split up by our gender and we had to talk about issues that affected us. I stayed with the girls. I have a girl's body but I'm not a normal girl. Generaly, I just push the fact that I'm a girl away. I've basicaly just thrown the whole concept of gender out the window. But when something comes up that forces me to acknowledge my gender it really flips me out. That's what happened today.
The boys were told to go to one room and the girls were told to go to another. Of course I stayed with the girls. I haven't told anyone that I'm questioning my gender identity so I can't just all of a sudden declare that I"m a boy. I'm not even sure if I am mentaly. No one told us wich room the people who were questioning their gender identity were supposed to go to.
The girls talked about when they got into fights with their friends and when their friends talked about them behind their back. It was so awkward. I haven't gotten into a fight with a friend since 4th grade when I steped on a friend's stuffed animals. And as far as friends talking behind my back, why should I care? They should all just learn to stop being over-dramatic middle school girls. But wait, they are middle school girls, and I'm not. I'm so different. This workshop just kinda pounded it into my head.
I've known I'm different for a while. In 6th grade I was an outcast because I was different from other girls. I thought I would change but I still haven't. Instead, I've only gotten more masculine. I was still thinking I just had a different personality till today. That workshop made me realize that I'm not a girl, I shouldn't have been put in the room with the girls. But what room should I be put in? There were only two rooms, one for boys and one for girls and niether works for me. I thought that I could just push away gender, say that it was for others, not me, but this workshop showed that that's not really an option. I have to stop procrastinating dealing with this. I just realized this in 45 minutes so it was really sudden and scary.