For the 23837 time this spring break, I stayed the night at C's beach house.
I went there in the early evening and C and I decided to walk on the beach. It was overcast, but nice [I love overcast weather.] I found a ladybug, and saved him from hightide, named him Frank, carried him all the way back to C's, gave him a home. Yeah, it was exciting. There was more talk between me and C about how if she was gay our problems would be solved and we would date.
While eating dinner I asked her if she were gay who would she date... she contemplated, said me [because I'm "gorgeous, sweet, and cool"]... contemplated some more and didn't have any one else. I also talked to her [briefly] about my past crushes and how cuddly and shit I was with them, and I've never really talked about that before [holding hands with them etc.] She didn't say much-- kind of makes me wonder if it shocked her, or what. [I'm pissed C and I don't hold hands, but that's because she's straight... whatever.]
S joined us later and watched quite the amount of Golden Girls before S had to go. Then C and I watched the waves hit the cement wall that supports the porch and such and had "deep" conversations about what God really is and stuff. She also talked about how no one ever asked her out before, and I said "Oh, I'll do it, that way you can't say that anymore!" [I was mostly kidding] and it was the same apology ["I'm flattered, but I'm sorry, I'm straight... blah"] and shit. My feelings have to be pretty clear, don't you think?
We sat out until about 12, and I felt really... I don't know... sad? Just disappointed. I hate liking her. With my other crushes, they never knew, and I never felt the same sense of rejection, I just got over them. But with this one, I believe my feelings are known, and then shut down. You know?
When we came into the house we shared this hug [we always freakin hug] and it was the best hug I've ever had with her. There was something about it that was different; perhaps the way I was feeling? I don't know it's like I was putting my feelings for her into it, and it just made me melt. I got tingly in my limbs, felt a gremlin in my stomach. It was sweet. If we had kissed I wouldn't even be typing this right now, I'd be liquid.
So I stayed the night [feeling slightly shitty] and we hung out for half the day, had breakfast together at Eggs N Things, bought CDs at Target, went to her grandma's house [neat little place too.] But I don't know, I was quiet. She thought I was bored, but I think it was just a hangover from the whole "goddamnit I have a crush and can't do a damn thing about it" feeling. I'm battling that, trying to throw it to sea, but it usually just winds up on the porch of her beach house.
Today she kept saying how we should walk around Target more, and I should go to her grandma's because she doesn't want me to go yet. And dropping me off she got out of the car walked me to the door and gave me a hug, and a half an hour later texted me telling me how it was lovely chilling with me. After that brief texting conversation she texted me several hours later quoting a Metric lyric.
It just seems like we're constantly getting closer, and no doubt, I love being close to her like best friends [I'm lucky to have a sweetheart like her], but it seems like the closer we get, the farther I get. You know? It's frustrating, to say the least. I just need to chill out, enjoy her as a friend, and let it go or something.
Wtf, this was long.