overcast

electricity's picture

For the 23837 time this spring break, I stayed the night at C's beach house.
I went there in the early evening and C and I decided to walk on the beach. It was overcast, but nice [I love overcast weather.] I found a ladybug, and saved him from hightide, named him Frank, carried him all the way back to C's, gave him a home. Yeah, it was exciting. There was more talk between me and C about how if she was gay our problems would be solved and we would date.

While eating dinner I asked her if she were gay who would she date... she contemplated, said me [because I'm "gorgeous, sweet, and cool"]... contemplated some more and didn't have any one else. I also talked to her [briefly] about my past crushes and how cuddly and shit I was with them, and I've never really talked about that before [holding hands with them etc.] She didn't say much-- kind of makes me wonder if it shocked her, or what. [I'm pissed C and I don't hold hands, but that's because she's straight... whatever.]

S joined us later and watched quite the amount of Golden Girls before S had to go. Then C and I watched the waves hit the cement wall that supports the porch and such and had "deep" conversations about what God really is and stuff. She also talked about how no one ever asked her out before, and I said "Oh, I'll do it, that way you can't say that anymore!" [I was mostly kidding] and it was the same apology ["I'm flattered, but I'm sorry, I'm straight... blah"] and shit. My feelings have to be pretty clear, don't you think?

We sat out until about 12, and I felt really... I don't know... sad? Just disappointed. I hate liking her. With my other crushes, they never knew, and I never felt the same sense of rejection, I just got over them. But with this one, I believe my feelings are known, and then shut down. You know?
When we came into the house we shared this hug [we always freakin hug] and it was the best hug I've ever had with her. There was something about it that was different; perhaps the way I was feeling? I don't know it's like I was putting my feelings for her into it, and it just made me melt. I got tingly in my limbs, felt a gremlin in my stomach. It was sweet. If we had kissed I wouldn't even be typing this right now, I'd be liquid.

So I stayed the night [feeling slightly shitty] and we hung out for half the day, had breakfast together at Eggs N Things, bought CDs at Target, went to her grandma's house [neat little place too.] But I don't know, I was quiet. She thought I was bored, but I think it was just a hangover from the whole "goddamnit I have a crush and can't do a damn thing about it" feeling. I'm battling that, trying to throw it to sea, but it usually just winds up on the porch of her beach house.

Today she kept saying how we should walk around Target more, and I should go to her grandma's because she doesn't want me to go yet. And dropping me off she got out of the car walked me to the door and gave me a hug, and a half an hour later texted me telling me how it was lovely chilling with me. After that brief texting conversation she texted me several hours later quoting a Metric lyric.

It just seems like we're constantly getting closer, and no doubt, I love being close to her like best friends [I'm lucky to have a sweetheart like her], but it seems like the closer we get, the farther I get. You know? It's frustrating, to say the least. I just need to chill out, enjoy her as a friend, and let it go or something.

Wtf, this was long.

Comments

Y - GuRl's picture

aw i like reading your journals

Your mate's beach house sounds like a really nice place to be. Damn straight crush, she sounds super amazing though and I'm not surprised you've fallen for her. It's great that you guys are so honest with each other, I reckon she definetely knows how you feel about her by now. She really seems to value your friendship, just make sure you don't push her away without knowing it. It probably hurts like hell right now though.. but since you're out now.. who knows when that not-so-straight girl will come along yeah?

electricity's picture

Well, I'm glad you enjoy my

Well, I'm glad you enjoy my entries =]

Yeah, I really hope that I'm not the one to create distance, you know? Because I would hate it if I did. I just have to suck it up a little and deal with my crush in my own way without conerning her too much. She is a super amazing girl, a total sweetheart, very genuine. [Her beach house is hella nice. I wish she lived there besides just breaks.] And she does value our friendship, and I'm so grateful.

Hopefully that not-so-straight girl comes along soon! I'm getting antsy! Haha.

taste the rainbow's picture

23837 times eh? Damn, you

23837 times eh? Damn, you must get a real long spring break!

"What they don't know can't hurt them

but it sure as hell can hurt me"

yesac's picture

i know just how you feel

i know just how you feel right now. falling for straight people is such a pain! but you cant help it at the same time!

dark raindrops's picture

distance

Sorry to be rude or something, but i think that subconciously you may be expecting too much from her which causes your disappointment. i know you cant change how you feel, which sucks. man itd be SO cool if we could. i think maybe you could talk to her about it. not as much the "i love love love you" part but more about the distance. yeah she might not get it but she can at least try to understand. okay it may be a crap idea... maybe you should just spend less time with her. you seem to get sad when you're around her and cant have her. i dont know...maybe you feel happier when your minds on other things, or when you can just imagine her than actually be literally sitting right next to her and wanna do stuff that would end in a mark in your friendship. i know you dont wanna lose her, but if you're feeling farther away, maybe distance could be the best solution.

oh yeah and TERRIFIC entries.

---cydney

electricity's picture

You're not being rude, I

You're not being rude, I appreciate the outlook. And you might be right, considering how awesome of a friend she is and still I mope, you know? But really I don't think it comes from expectations out of her, just dealing with the fact that I can't expect more out of her... if that makes sense. Just dealing with the crush, basically.
And I really don't want to get farther from her, because our friendship ranks over my crush. It may ease the disappointment, but in the long run I don't think it'd be worth it.

electricity's picture

thank

Oh! And thank you for the compliment.

the mouse that roared's picture

Story time!

About distance--I had a straight crush on this close friend since childhood. She was like my big sister or something, except I had completely fallen for her. I came out to her at the end of my sophomore year, and then I pretty much stopped talking to her. All that next year (her senior year), we maybe said hi in the halls. I remember how strange any conversations I had with her felt. I guess I just couldn't handle another unrequited crush, so I didn't. But now I don't know where our friendship is at all, and she's in college 22 hours away by car, and I don't see her anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is pushing away might help numb you, but you may lose a good friendship.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

paintthesilence's picture

Well, yea, like the others

Well, yea, like the others have said, it seems like she does really value your friendship. The fact that she continues to reach out to you and get closer means at the least, that if she does really know how you feel about her, it doesn't bother her or change the way she feels about you, which is good.
Hmm. I see that one prescription being offered up in comments here is distancing yourself from her and spending time away from her.
Personally, I don't think you should do that unless you really feel like that's the only thing that will make you feel any better, and it's what you'd really want to do.
Having been in the crush-on-straight-girl-who's-a-close-friend-and-getting-closer situation, I'd say... Well, since you're close friends, you probably don't want to just stop hanging out (unless you do, in which case disregard this bit), so when you are with her, I guess just try to enjoy the time you're spending with her, and try to just have a good time with her without letting yourself get upset that it's not a good time as a couple. Enjoy what IS there, and if things evolve eventually, then they will, and if they don't? Then you've still been able to enjoy the time you've spent with her, and had (and will continue to have) a good friend.
Also, alright, so hypothetically, if you two got together, what things would change? Well, obviously the physical things. But outside of that, well. So if you were her girlfriend, maybe you'd, I dunno, take her out to dinner. So... take her out to dinner now. Yea, if you were her girlfriend, maybe you'd kiss her goodnight at the end of dinner, and that's not something you'd do now, but the point is, you can still take her out to dinner. You can still show her a good time, just don't call it a date or put any weird romantic awkward pressure on it. Thus, enjoying time with her. And attempt to remain open to any crushes you might get on others, perhaps the not-so-straight girl that Y-Gurl referred to. She'll come along in time, they always do. :)

electricity's picture

definetely

Yeah I don't really want to put distance between us, because I love love our friendship, and so does she, so why should I ruin that just because I have a crush, right? The friendship should out-weigh the crush, and I believe it does.
I've actually thought about what differences there would be between us if we were together. And you're right, not a lot would change besides the physical, and then putting aside the friendship and filling eachothers "relationship" void. Yeah the past two times we've gone out to eat she paid [with her mom's money, but paid nonetheless] so slightly date worthy.
Oh, believe, I'm keeping an eye peeled =] Thank you for your input.