For the last few days I've started to not only contemplate, but accept, the possibility of suicide. Actually I think I've been thinking about it for years.
I was at a point where dying really scared me, and that's why I couldn't go through with it. But I've given some thought to the idea and I calmly and logically concluded I'd either do the hose pipe in a car thing or jump off a very tall building. I mean I hate my body for various reasons, few of which can be resolved with self-help or surgery. It's just I don't want to inflict the despair it would cause upon my sister, neice and nephew. I don't even care what it would do to the rest of my family or friends, I'm too unhappy to care. Just those three. That is the only thing stopping me.
It's sad and pathetic, I know. It's selfish too. I've given long thought to it, there's nothing anyone can say that would make me think any different.
I'm just left not knowing what to do. I'm gay so I'll not have children in any practical way and I don't think I want them right now anyway whatever the circumstances. I don't think if I had them in an unconventional way my family would love them in the same way as if I were straight. I'm likely to be lonely for the rest of my life due to my own hatred of my body. So all in all, I see a life of childlessness and loneliness. I face a daily battle dealing with this. Sure, I perforate those feelings with pissed up nights out, alcoholism and fake laughter, but that can't go on forever.
I don't have any idea what I want to do with my life either. I don't go to uni, I wouldn't go to college except my dad won't pay maintenance money unless I'm in education. I don't want to work full time, but I would if doing so would lead to anything worthwhile. But it wouldn't. I feel worthless, I
feel know my family is disappointed in me and nothing seems worth it anymore.
I've fully explained my problems to an online friend who's solution is, "Your body aint going nowhere so you have to deal with it." But I can't. I can't deal with it. So what do you do when your mind has reached the point at which it can cope and which it can't? It feels like death would just be a lot more logical and simplistic than years of alcoholism, recovery, maybe cancer, than "dealing with it" myself. I've tried dealing with it. Honestly. I'm a fairly objective person who is able to give advice to others, but if someone came to me with the same problems I would be forced to simply say "Deal with it or die." And that's where I am at the moment.
I can't reproduce, nor do I want to unnaturally, and I can't get into a relationship or make someone else happy. I don't make myself happy, nor can I. What's the point of living other than to not depress my sister for a short period of time? I mean the only people who would be truly depressed if I did die is my sister, neice and nephew. Well, my sister loves her kids more than me obviously so she'd get over it, and my neice and nephew are 3 and 2 respectively, they'd forget soon enough. I'll never be happy with myself. So what's there to live for? Quite frankly I'm one of the most worthless human beings ever. That's not a "feel sorry for myself" comment, I've given a lot of thought to this. I really am fairly pointless. I truly am unhappy with myself.