Suicide

Campfire's picture

For the last few days I've started to not only contemplate, but accept, the possibility of suicide. Actually I think I've been thinking about it for years.

I was at a point where dying really scared me, and that's why I couldn't go through with it. But I've given some thought to the idea and I calmly and logically concluded I'd either do the hose pipe in a car thing or jump off a very tall building. I mean I hate my body for various reasons, few of which can be resolved with self-help or surgery. It's just I don't want to inflict the despair it would cause upon my sister, neice and nephew. I don't even care what it would do to the rest of my family or friends, I'm too unhappy to care. Just those three. That is the only thing stopping me.

It's sad and pathetic, I know. It's selfish too. I've given long thought to it, there's nothing anyone can say that would make me think any different.

I'm just left not knowing what to do. I'm gay so I'll not have children in any practical way and I don't think I want them right now anyway whatever the circumstances. I don't think if I had them in an unconventional way my family would love them in the same way as if I were straight. I'm likely to be lonely for the rest of my life due to my own hatred of my body. So all in all, I see a life of childlessness and loneliness. I face a daily battle dealing with this. Sure, I perforate those feelings with pissed up nights out, alcoholism and fake laughter, but that can't go on forever.

I don't have any idea what I want to do with my life either. I don't go to uni, I wouldn't go to college except my dad won't pay maintenance money unless I'm in education. I don't want to work full time, but I would if doing so would lead to anything worthwhile. But it wouldn't. I feel worthless, I feel know my family is disappointed in me and nothing seems worth it anymore.

I've fully explained my problems to an online friend who's solution is, "Your body aint going nowhere so you have to deal with it." But I can't. I can't deal with it. So what do you do when your mind has reached the point at which it can cope and which it can't? It feels like death would just be a lot more logical and simplistic than years of alcoholism, recovery, maybe cancer, than "dealing with it" myself. I've tried dealing with it. Honestly. I'm a fairly objective person who is able to give advice to others, but if someone came to me with the same problems I would be forced to simply say "Deal with it or die." And that's where I am at the moment.

I can't reproduce, nor do I want to unnaturally, and I can't get into a relationship or make someone else happy. I don't make myself happy, nor can I. What's the point of living other than to not depress my sister for a short period of time? I mean the only people who would be truly depressed if I did die is my sister, neice and nephew. Well, my sister loves her kids more than me obviously so she'd get over it, and my neice and nephew are 3 and 2 respectively, they'd forget soon enough. I'll never be happy with myself. So what's there to live for? Quite frankly I'm one of the most worthless human beings ever. That's not a "feel sorry for myself" comment, I've given a lot of thought to this. I really am fairly pointless. I truly am unhappy with myself.

Meh.

Comments

msquared's picture

Maybe if you do some

Maybe if you do some volunteer work or take a job helping people you'll find something to live for. What better to dedicate your life to than changing the world through love?

I also really recommend that you read The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It definitely correlates to your situation. Hope you feel better, bucko.

“Never forget! The higher we soar, the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly.”
-Friedrich Nietzsche

paintthesilence's picture

I wish I had something

I wish I had something useful to say to you, but this is all I got:
The depression will lift. If you try to stop drinking, and try to focus on doing things you find worthwhile for yourself as opposed to just things to fulfill what you believe others expect of you, such as the volunteer work that msquared suggested, or really anything that feels worthwhile, it will begin. I hate to sound like a broken record, but if you're really, really considering suicide, please, please tell someone who can help you.
I say this from the perspective of one who's been there, one who knows what it's like to wake up in the hospital because someone who I never ever thought would have any reason to care about me found me out at the most important moment. There is nothing like a good, hearty conversation with the girl who swallowed three bottles of cat medicine and had her stomach pumped 2 hours ago, or the pregnant one whose face looks like she's mid-50's, who you find out is 21, or the kid who just couldn't stand it one second longer and tried to do it with a scalpel from her science class - there is nothing like begging the armed guard who stands outside the shower for a little more water even though you know, you know your 10 minutes are up, but you're covered in soap, and oh, alright, you'll use the sink - there is nothing like hiding in the one corner that the cameras can't see to hug the others without being called on the "No Physical Contact" rule when you finally find out you're being let out - nothing like the way no one in the lobby looks twice at you when you finally walk out, because they have no, no idea, nothing like the second the sun hits your eyes when you take your first step into the parking lot - to make you realize how, for lack of a better word, beautiful life is. Since then, the depression will come back from time to time, but it always, always lifts eventually. Give yourself a chance to be resilient, to be alright. It shouldn't take the feeling of your nose pressed to the steel mesh of the forensic window in your little room, or the numb feeling of drink in your veins, or meds that make your head spin. Others can help you, if you give them a chance too.
You said you can't be in a relationship to make someone else happy, but who says you need to be in a relationship to make people happy? I've read your comments on here from time to time and smiled. So there's someone happy. Volunteer work, again, is a way. Having a friendly conversation with someone you don't know - the person behind the counter at the grocery store, the person beside you in a class, cab driver, person waiting in line behind you for whatever reason.
Please don't give up. Really, really, really.
Hope you feel better soon. :)

andyouwillknowmebythesoundofmyname's picture

wish I had more meaningfull advice

The first thing I have to offer is no more alcohol. It is a depresser and it will only pull you down farther.
My second piece of advice is that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Depression IS hell as far as I'm concerned, but it is only a state of mind. These states are temporary. It will get better.
I have many very close friends who have been suicidal. I know what I am talking about.

I hate to say cheer up, because that sounds so stupid, but hang in there. Be patient with yourself. Things will get better I promise. Hopelessness is a state of mind, not a situation.

I decided to take a peek in the closet.
What a suprise to find myself hiding inside!

Allie's picture

call 1-800-784-2433 or

call 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255 if you're in the US. They are there to listen.
please give them and yourself a chance. Think of what that chance would mean to your sister and neice and nephew.

Lol-taire's picture

Don't you dare.

Please call Samaritans or something when you feel like this. If you start contemplating suicide, call Samaritans.
http://www.samaritans.org/

It's not that unusual that there will be times in your life when other people- your loved ones- are the reason you have to carry on living. As long as people love you, you have responsibilty to them. You'd completely devastate your sister (if she loves you as much as I love my little brother) and then she wouldn't be able to be the best possible mother to her children.

Don't you do anything stupid.

If you simply can't carry on, you look for external help that will teach you how to carry on. See your GP for a referal to a therapist

Sometimes it's not about 'dealing with' anything. It's about working out what you think will make you happy and doing anything to keep yourself busy until you realise you are happy. And happiness isn't the way you're living, but the way you teach yourself to think, to not be unhappy, so when good things happen you're able to appreciate them.

We're not allocated things to live for when we turn 18, we just live until the things that are important just accumulate around us.

I don't know you but you seem like a good person. Don't let yourself become a statistic. Your demographic (young men) are the most at risk of successful suicide bids. It's one of biggest cause of death for men your age (second only probably to accidents).

I know what you mean about children. I can't bear it, I honestly can't sometimes. But you cross these hurdles when you come to them.

I still have almost the exact same worries and dissapointments with my body, my mind, my abilities, my interactions with others and my character that used to drag me into ridiculous bouts self loathing (really stupid melodramatic stuff). And I was prone (probably still am) to that glassy sort of depression where it's like you've been vacuum dried and you're marooned in this world that's slightly too loud and full of people who are always unreachable.
But somehow I have learnt a bouyant, agressive sort of happiness. I'm worth no more than anyone else and I'm no more capable that anyone else, but if I found a way to be stable and happy so can you. It takes a long time, but you'll do it.

the ghost's picture

Hey dude

The only thing I can think of saying to you is telling you why I decided to live and put suicidal thoughts behind me,even when things are becomming really shitty.I have come to the conclusion that there is no afterlife.When you are dead you are dead.That is it.So while life can be shit,and hurt way too much sometimes there are still moments of happiness and joy worth staying around for,that you will find again at some point.Basically I am saying to live is better than to be nothing,even if it hurts.So please please do not take your life.
As regards your feelings on your body,I don't know what to say to you.Maybe you need to change the way you are looking at yourself.Focus a little more on the good parts.If that is you in your profile pic,I think you are a good looking guy,even if I am a girl.
About worrying about having children,I have those thoughts and worries too,but all I think we can do is live in the here and now.Strive for what we want at the moment and hopefuly future things like our feelings on having children will sort themselves out,or feel like less of an issue when all the other stuff that makes you unhappy has been sorted out a bit.
I don't want to try and fill you up with bullshit cliche motivation,but honestly dude life can suck,but there is nothing worth taking your life over.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

pomegranate's picture

okay,

look dude, you're more than just a body. You're a person with feelings and emotions and a right to be here. Actually, more than just a right. A responsibility. Get over yourself. It's not up to you to say you're pathetic and there's no use for you. You're here, you have a brain, and therefore you are capable of making a difference and accomplishing something in your life.

There are people in this world who are in more of a craphole than you, and they still find something to be happy about. That's what you have to do - find something to be happy about and then just try and focus on that whenever you're feeling miserable. Your life can't be all crap.

You don't have to be good-looking, or funny, or athletic, or smart to be a fantastic, worthwhile person. I'm not saying you aren't any of the above, I'm just saying you don' t have to be. You're fine just the way you are.
However, it seems like you're doing things that take away from your true fantastic self. So like others have said, stop drinking, volunteer, etc.

A meaningful life isn't just going to fall on your lap. You have to go out there and grab it. And remember, you have every right to it, so don't sabotage yourself.

And whenever you feel suicidal, call a hotline.