When I'm a-walking I strut my stuff and I'm so strung out

PurpleLioness's picture

I'm high as a kite I just might stop to check you out.
Ah I like that song >_<

Infuriatingly enough I'm starting to like someone who I know nothing will happen.
Firstly she's just realized she might be Bisexual.
She's way cute, she was very worried when she came out to me.
I love that kid, I'm so excited I get to see her on Tuesday.
Well If my mum thinks I've got enough math finished anyway.

Since my brothers now ex [Who I miss dearly] girlfriend was hyperly, in a way only a raver kid can be, telling me that she hadn't needed to ask my brother if I liked girls she could just tell. I've been thinking about myself, the past, and reading old journals. I've realized how much I've always liked girls. How I wasn't even interested in dating until I was sixteen, and I'm still not really into anything more than kissing, and cuddling, and holding hands stuff. Is that abnormal?

Only two years have gone by and now I wish I was in a relationship where I could do those things. Sometime I even wish I just had a friend to do those things with but I know I wouldn't be able to for too long. I get jealous easy, a bit possessive, I think I have a minor trust/abandonment thing.

I've never had a girlfriend, really I've only ever kissed a girl once but it was everything I hadn't experienced when kissing a boy. You know that sappy fire works and shivers cliche, thats the feeling.

I mean I have had boyfriends, I never did anything with them, wasn't even close to being interested in anything but kissing. Which is a weird topic for me, seeing as I have an awful habit of kissing someone if they kiss me, even if I'm not interested in them. I also flirt a lot with anyone who flirts with me, well as long as I find them cute.

Hmm..
I'm feeling broody tonight.

For the past week I feel like I'm slipping back into the hole I thought I had climbed out of with my life intact. I had an epiphany and escaped with little more than scars on my arms last year.

Thats the thing I'm jonesing for though, cutting.
I miss everything about it, the rush, the pain, the blood, the scars.
Sleep hasn't been my friend lately and I think that might be contributing to the feeling but its getting so hard to resist.

I've started smoking again, that helps a little but I don't want to depend on cigarettes to keep the blade away. [Their how I quit cutting in the first place]

My diet is back on as well, I'm like 120 lbs. now and I want to be 100 lbs.
Long way to go but I can see my ribs again so I'm happy.
I've been walking and eating healthier when I eat, and then there is dance class so I'm hoping it will be lost quickly.
Even more if I started riding again but I don't have the time.
My poor horse, at least she gets lots of love and looks pretty in my yard.

Before we get worried.. if anyone would, I'm only five foot two, possibly five foot three, so that technically the weight I want isn't underweight for me.

I must go have a smoke before bed because I'm all ready a slave to the nicotine.

-Kt

Comments

Riku's picture

Personally, I hate that I

Personally, I hate that I can see my own ribs. X_X I'm about the same height as you, I weigh about 115 lbs. I'm apparently healthy sized but I hate being able to see my ribs. D:

I almost never eat junk food (And I'm vegan.) and I exercise a lot so the chances of me putting on weight like that are very low, but I don't like being this skinny, it just bothers me... But I'm not going to try to change my weight, I trust my body knows what it's doing, so I'll just eat what I normally eat. Because I'm healthy this way, and that's more important to me than weight.

Well, good luck with whatever you do.

ForeverEndedToday's picture

Violent Femmes!!!! I know

Violent Femmes!!!! I know what you mean about cutting, I used to love the rush it gave me. Instead of smoking try rubber bands. They don't give you scars, and it's not a sudden stop, you can start with thick ones and then slowly go down to thinner ones and then stop completely. Don't beat yourself up about it if you slip once or twice, quitting is really hard.