I don't know about everyone else, but I discovered my sexuality in a very abrupt way.
Until about a year ago I was sure I was straight. I had never had a crush on a boy and couldn't even tell how boys could be hot. I even remember thinking that boys were lucky because they loved girls who could be hot but girls liked boys who just couldn't be hot. The idea of a boy being hot was very confusing to me, I just didn't understand it. When girls started talking about which boys were hot and who they had crushes on, I just said that I was a late bloomer and convinced myself that I would become interested in boys eventually. Everyone kept telling me I would be interested in boys eventually so I believed them and convinced myself I was straight even though I stared at girls.
I also dressed in drag. It just felt right to be wearing boys’ clothes. I told everyone that they were more comfortable, I still do, but they're not. Wearing girls’ clothes felt wrong for some reason. I was slightly ashamed by my desire to wear boys’ clothes so I never told anyone why I really wanted to wear them.
Then, at the end of sixth grade all of the girls became very girly and boy crazy, I, however, was still wearing my boys' clothes and couldn't care less about boys. Because of this I was an outcast. I knew I was very different but I didn't know why. It crossed my mind a few times that I might be gay, but I always pushed it aside and told myself that I was just a late bloomer and I would be interested in boys eventually and all of my problems would go away.
In 7th grade I went to a new school and made lots of new friends. I figured out how to make my peace with girls who were more girly than me. The beginning of 7th grade was wonderful, it was so nice to have friends after being such an outcast.
Towards the middle of 7th grade a girl who I had been friends with since 3rd grade, Nell, came out as bi. A few weeks later I started thinking of my friend Phoebe in a different way. Phoebe was one of those girls who touches people. She holds hands with all of her friends, puts her arms around them, that sort of thing. It's how she expresses her friendship. Normally, I can't stand it when people do that but with Phoebe I didn't mind, in fact, I kinda liked it. I started wondering if I was gay. I told myself I wasn't, I was just thinking about homosexuality a lot because Nell had just come out.
About a year ago today I was imagining what it would be like to go to college and meet everyone. In my head, when I met the girls, I found myself flirting with them. It felt so normal and natural until I realized what I was thinking and flipped out. I sat on the end of my bed and thought over and over to myself “holy crap, I’m gay.” I was really shocked even though I had been staring at girls for years. People still seem shocked when I tell them that I’m gay even though I dress in drag and never talk about boys. Besides being shocked, it also made everything make sense; why I wasn’t interested in boys, why I felt so different in 6th grade, why I felt different from other girls.
At first I was really upset. I tried to change my sexuality or just ignore it. Over this year I’ve grown to accept myself. Oasis magazine helped a lot. I love this website. A lot’s happened in this past year. I can’t believe it’s been a year already, it feels like it happened yesterday.