wow, it's already been a year

wilma wonka's picture

I don't know about everyone else, but I discovered my sexuality in a very abrupt way.

Until about a year ago I was sure I was straight. I had never had a crush on a boy and couldn't even tell how boys could be hot. I even remember thinking that boys were lucky because they loved girls who could be hot but girls liked boys who just couldn't be hot. The idea of a boy being hot was very confusing to me, I just didn't understand it. When girls started talking about which boys were hot and who they had crushes on, I just said that I was a late bloomer and convinced myself that I would become interested in boys eventually. Everyone kept telling me I would be interested in boys eventually so I believed them and convinced myself I was straight even though I stared at girls.

I also dressed in drag. It just felt right to be wearing boys’ clothes. I told everyone that they were more comfortable, I still do, but they're not. Wearing girls’ clothes felt wrong for some reason. I was slightly ashamed by my desire to wear boys’ clothes so I never told anyone why I really wanted to wear them.

Then, at the end of sixth grade all of the girls became very girly and boy crazy, I, however, was still wearing my boys' clothes and couldn't care less about boys. Because of this I was an outcast. I knew I was very different but I didn't know why. It crossed my mind a few times that I might be gay, but I always pushed it aside and told myself that I was just a late bloomer and I would be interested in boys eventually and all of my problems would go away.

In 7th grade I went to a new school and made lots of new friends. I figured out how to make my peace with girls who were more girly than me. The beginning of 7th grade was wonderful, it was so nice to have friends after being such an outcast.

Towards the middle of 7th grade a girl who I had been friends with since 3rd grade, Nell, came out as bi. A few weeks later I started thinking of my friend Phoebe in a different way. Phoebe was one of those girls who touches people. She holds hands with all of her friends, puts her arms around them, that sort of thing. It's how she expresses her friendship. Normally, I can't stand it when people do that but with Phoebe I didn't mind, in fact, I kinda liked it. I started wondering if I was gay. I told myself I wasn't, I was just thinking about homosexuality a lot because Nell had just come out.

About a year ago today I was imagining what it would be like to go to college and meet everyone. In my head, when I met the girls, I found myself flirting with them. It felt so normal and natural until I realized what I was thinking and flipped out. I sat on the end of my bed and thought over and over to myself “holy crap, I’m gay.” I was really shocked even though I had been staring at girls for years. People still seem shocked when I tell them that I’m gay even though I dress in drag and never talk about boys. Besides being shocked, it also made everything make sense; why I wasn’t interested in boys, why I felt so different in 6th grade, why I felt different from other girls.

At first I was really upset. I tried to change my sexuality or just ignore it. Over this year I’ve grown to accept myself. Oasis magazine helped a lot. I love this website. A lot’s happened in this past year. I can’t believe it’s been a year already, it feels like it happened yesterday.

Comments

Toph's picture

Aw, thanks for sharing your

Aw, thanks for sharing your story :D

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

maianess's picture

Congrats ^^ never easy to

Congrats ^^ never easy to come to terms with this stuff. Happy anniversary! Hehe, I remember thinking I was a late bloomer..... XDD

Life is short: make fun of it.

electricity's picture

relate

I can relate a bit: I battled the "am I gay?" realization since middle school [I'm a junior in highschool, now]. I did have crushes on guys and such, so I think that's what confused me even more. But I also had minor crushes on girls, but they never bloomed because I didn't really embrace the homosexual side of myself.

But now coming to terms and being out with people, it's great.

We had a difficult ride with ourselves for a while. Thank you for sharing your story!