May 7, 2007
I just can’t say anything anymore. I want us to have peace but we’re going to have to reach a sacrifice, because it’s a problem that you’re going to have to address with yourself. I just want to have some friends like me, because it’s important that I know someone that walks in my shoes someone who can relate to me about being gay. That’s the least you could for me, not a boyfriend I want a Friend, What do I have to do to prove to you? That the things I’ve done before had no effect on me I am gay always have and always will be, some of us figure it out when were 10, 11, 12 even younger it’s just a fact life. I want to make a difference for the world, even if it’s just a little one helping someone where it’s needed the Attic is calling to me in a sense because I feel as if I belong there. I know you don’t understand me, I don’t know if you even want to understand.
I’m sorry for causing you so much heart ache, grief, tears and sleepless nights but at times I’m not sorry because you’ve caused the same things worrying about what you think of me and what you’re going to say or do next. Our family is already small and I don’t want to make it any smaller, but if your unwilling to accept me for what and who I am then fine I’ll leave when I turn eighteen and just walk away with my money, and find myself a better sense of family. I want to talk with you about these things because I don’t like to scream , yell and throw things across the house. I sometimes feel voiceless because no matter what I say or do you won’t understand what’s inside of me and how I think? The last time I checked I was still your son and all of our recent e-mails say that you love correct, or is this love conditional that I put on an act that I’m not gay and live in a fake world until I’m 18?
I’m begging for you to want to understand, I’ll let you get help but I want someone who will understand me a true friend I don’t like having just people on the internet understand me, but that’s all I got right now… Just tell me what I got to do? Threaten to jump off the Ben Franklin Bridge for you to understand me?
Just please give me an answer, the truthful honest answer so I can make plans on what I have to do to be successful and if those plans should include you as an accepting mother.
P.S. I attached a poem that really describes how I feel on the inside and just the best way to put it into words
Do you know what it is to be an outsider
on the other side of the fence?
How alone you would feel, if excluded you were.
Does it make any sense?
Can you imagine the isolated soul
with no-one in sight to hear
the cries and the tears that your heart would shed,
and the constant, looming fear?
Can you see in your mind the life of a man
without anywhere to belong?
Because a society judged him unworthy,
because they think they’re right, and he’s wrong.
Try and imagine the pain that you’d feel,
with sneers and hateful words, and spit at your heels.
What would it be like if the gates were locked;
you couldn’t get in, and you couldn’t get out?
Imagine the feeling that you’re worthless,
some dirt that’s been stepped on by someone’s uncaring shoe.
Perhaps at that point it’s too much for your heart,
and you take your own life, to stop it hurting you.
Imagine this world, for maybe a minute,
after that you can stop; you don’t like it, sure
but there are people who go through this every day,
and they can’t stop it, unless they’re no more.
So when you hear of hate, bigots and death,
don’t side with haters, cause that’s how you’ve been bred.
Imagine how it is, or was for that guy,
the one that’s hurt, or lying dead.
So imagine the feelings and memories too,
of people oppressed, hated, abused;
Of people who lived outside of that fence
and what they came to - does it make sense?