A Letter to My Mom...

TheInsideLlama's picture

May 7, 2007
Dear Mom,
I just can’t say anything anymore. I want us to have peace but we’re going to have to reach a sacrifice, because it’s a problem that you’re going to have to address with yourself. I just want to have some friends like me, because it’s important that I know someone that walks in my shoes someone who can relate to me about being gay. That’s the least you could for me, not a boyfriend I want a Friend, What do I have to do to prove to you? That the things I’ve done before had no effect on me I am gay always have and always will be, some of us figure it out when were 10, 11, 12 even younger it’s just a fact life. I want to make a difference for the world, even if it’s just a little one helping someone where it’s needed the Attic is calling to me in a sense because I feel as if I belong there. I know you don’t understand me, I don’t know if you even want to understand.

I’m sorry for causing you so much heart ache, grief, tears and sleepless nights but at times I’m not sorry because you’ve caused the same things worrying about what you think of me and what you’re going to say or do next. Our family is already small and I don’t want to make it any smaller, but if your unwilling to accept me for what and who I am then fine I’ll leave when I turn eighteen and just walk away with my money, and find myself a better sense of family. I want to talk with you about these things because I don’t like to scream , yell and throw things across the house. I sometimes feel voiceless because no matter what I say or do you won’t understand what’s inside of me and how I think? The last time I checked I was still your son and all of our recent e-mails say that you love correct, or is this love conditional that I put on an act that I’m not gay and live in a fake world until I’m 18?
I’m begging for you to want to understand, I’ll let you get help but I want someone who will understand me a true friend I don’t like having just people on the internet understand me, but that’s all I got right now… Just tell me what I got to do? Threaten to jump off the Ben Franklin Bridge for you to understand me?
Just please give me an answer, the truthful honest answer so I can make plans on what I have to do to be successful and if those plans should include you as an accepting mother.
Love,
John
P.S. I attached a poem that really describes how I feel on the inside and just the best way to put it into words

Do you know what it is to be an outsider
on the other side of the fence?
How alone you would feel, if excluded you were.

Does it make any sense?
Can you imagine the isolated soul
with no-one in sight to hear
the cries and the tears that your heart would shed,
and the constant, looming fear?
Can you see in your mind the life of a man
without anywhere to belong?
Because a society judged him unworthy,
because they think they’re right, and he’s wrong.

Try and imagine the pain that you’d feel,
with sneers and hateful words, and spit at your heels.
What would it be like if the gates were locked;
you couldn’t get in, and you couldn’t get out?

Imagine the feeling that you’re worthless,
some dirt that’s been stepped on by someone’s uncaring shoe.
Perhaps at that point it’s too much for your heart,
and you take your own life, to stop it hurting you.

Imagine this world, for maybe a minute,
after that you can stop; you don’t like it, sure
but there are people who go through this every day,
and they can’t stop it, unless they’re no more.

So when you hear of hate, bigots and death,
don’t side with haters, cause that’s how you’ve been bred.
Imagine how it is, or was for that guy,
the one that’s hurt, or lying dead.

So imagine the feelings and memories too,
of people oppressed, hated, abused;
Of people who lived outside of that fence
and what they came to - does it make sense?

Comments

Toph's picture

Aw...so sad. Hopefully

Aw...so sad. Hopefully she'll understand

~May the spirits guide your every move...to assure you please her in all the right places XD

wilma wonka's picture

a letter is a good idea

Hopefully it will work. It seems like it's pretty rough right now but it will get better. It has to. Your sexuality can't change, and her love for you won't change, the only thing that can change is her oppinions of your sexuality. Therefore she has to accept you eventualy. that was a nice poem.

good luck

TheInsideLlama's picture

hopefully things do soon

hopefully things do soon cant take much more being so lonely with no lgbt friends except for my ones here on the internet

evilgeinus1988's picture

can i just give you a hug?

I was lucky, my mom never went through this with me. I know how hard this is for you, and I hope she comes around. I know how you feel with the voiceless part, I am that way with my father, he will probably never know where i stand because he was raised through the 1940's and 1950's so he was taught that homosexuality is a bad thing. don't ever fear of falling because there will always be someone to catch you.

jeff's picture

Umm...

You don't cause any sadness and grief, etc., in your mother; she causes that in herself. Don't blame your reality for ruining her fantasy (but, you know, give her some time to get over it before getting too critical).

That said, your love of her isn't conditional on her loving you. And your job isn't to make her understand, it is giving her the necessary access and space TO understand. And, I don't think anyone jumping off a bridge ever led to more understanding.

Sounds like you're taking on too much of the burden here. Your job is being yourself, and constantly telling her you want a good relationship with her. Her job is to react to that however she does.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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joemondragon's picture

I'd say her job is to love

I'd say her job is to love her child unconditionally. Difference in opinion, I guess.

"A friend is someone who bails you out of jail; a best friend is someone who stands in the cell next to you and says 'that was freakin' awesome'"
-Dr. Jamie Morris

TheInsideLlama's picture

Burden

She kinda makes me feel like I have to take the blame at times the way she makes me feel and she's like "I can't take this any more, I'm going to check into the nut ward" and I feel like doing the same thing everything with the person I liked, so many other things... and all of this with my mom seems like a great big giant blur inside of my head... I just don't get she says she accepts me but dosen't allow me to have one special or be somewhere where I would be understood since my school has no GSA...