A loooooooong journal

the ghost's picture

Part of me doesn't want to make a journal entry because I think its going to be a whingy depressing one,and lets face it I make a heck of a lot of those.But I also don't want to go to sleep right now because I have a lot of stuff buzzing around my head that I just want to write down.

Sometimes even when I feel really unhappy,but I actually write it all down
I feel cleansed somehow.Like I have let it all out.Sure it is all stuff that I will still have to sort out and deal with,but writing it down sometimes brings some clarity.

I am not even really sure where to begin with what is bothering me.It seems easy to fall back and blame being gay on everything that I am not happy about.I sometimes wonder if I wasn't gay would I have some other reason to blame for my unhappiness?Or would I even be unhappy at all?I don't know.Well right now it is the source of a lot of my feelings of misery.I could say,that its not being gay that bothers me anymore,its just telling people.Well that is what I have been telling myself.However really thinking about that statement,I know that it makes no sense.If I didn't have a problem with being gay,well then I wouldn't have a problem telling people would I?So I clearly still harbour some internalized homophobia.But then I think about it and it is only certain people I worry about telling.

Those people are mainly the people I work with.I have been working in my job since before christmas.Some of the people are real assholes,and some are really nice.Inevitably I have started to make friends with the other people that work there,and hiding being gay is bothering me a lot.I only work there three days a week,and it is fine to go in and make small talk with people and just be pleasant.But now that I have started to socialize{sp?} with them,and basically form releationships that go beyond spending eight hours together selling footwear,and making small talk, that I feel bothered.I feel as though I am forming friendships with this big lie hanging over my head.I just keep wondering if we would all still be so friendly if they knew.I think for the most part that answer would actually be no.So I know the logical thing would be to tell them,and if they don't like it you don't need them in your life,blah,blah,blah.But I need a job,and they are tricky enough to come accross.

There is one particular girl who I get along really well with.We are both very quiet and get along really well.But she really thinks I am as straight as an arrow and I just know telling her I am gay will be so weird.She has invited me to stay over in her house so we can go to clubs and stuff which would be really cool.But I constantly have this stupid gay thing hanging over my head like what will she do when she finds out.I wish I could just keep my distance from everyone and not socialize with anyone at all from work.But that makes my life unpleasant anyway.I feel like I am in a loose loose situation.I am tired of going through the motions.Doing my best to assimulate along with everyone...look like things are fine...pretend I'm having a good time...pretending to be happy.

Well the work people are just one group of people.There is also my other friends from my old job.I made some of my best friends there.The whole gay thing didn't really bother me so much when I was making friends there,because I hadn't fully accepted or dealt with it myself.It was pushed to the back of my mind,and coming out seemed like something I would never do.The two people I am out to are actually old workmates.Half of me just wishes I could go back to working where I was just to have that safety net of all the old people I worked with and knew so well.

Then there is my family.The only person in my family that I am scared to tell is my dad.I just don't want to see that disappointed look on his face when he hears something bad.Otherwise I am not too freaked out about them finding out.

There is also my other friends whom I know since school and my college buddies.They should actually be ok too.I think they will need some adjusting time but ultimately be ok I think.But you can never be too sure either.So basically it is my work friends that I am terrified of telling,and I hate that I am starting to make friends with them now.I have that horrible feeling of wanting to lock myself away from the world.I just want to be alone because its easier.

Well I think that is all I will write for now.I need to go to sleep,because I have to go to work tomorrow,and be the fake I am.I guess this what happens when you put off dealing with being a big queer until your 21.Oh and I have a huge spot on my face too,which really isn't helping anything.I am 21,but I am still dealing with teenage acne and a sexuality crisis...when will it end:(