and it's no big deal she said....

lookin to the future...'s picture

so... took two ap tests today.... psych which totally kicked my ass... but then i took US gov and politics and i kicked it's ass so i guess we're even... i just have to take lit tomorrow morning and then i'm done.... YAY!!! no more high school for me... :)

so the last few days have been pretty tough i can't lie... i'm just having a hard time... my best friend is at state this weekend for high school tennis and is predicted to do very well... even maybe win the title... so i was all excited about going down to vancouver (three hour drive... yuck) tomorrow but my mom refused to let me go... the hotel was paid for by the school, i had gas money, etc. but she refused to let me go....

a little background story for you: my mom, about three weeks ago went through my room looking for my journal claiming that she thought i was cutting and all kinds of things.... she found it and poured through it reading everything... she was fucking furious.... she had a three hour conversation with me about it and everything... i walked to school for two days, lost my phone for a week and wasn't able to see either of my two best friends for a week... i thought the punishment was pretty ridiculous considering the fact that i never did anything to her persay... all i did was get my feelings out on paper that she was never supposed to read... i felt absolutely horrible that she read my true feelings about her but i was feeling pretty damn violated at the same time... anyway....

this last weekend i finally did get to hang out with my two best friends (one of whom i am absolutely head over heels for) and we were just chilling at my house and it was probably 2 am when they got hungry and we decided a run to mcdonalds would be fun... anyway, on the way out of the house i forgot to lock the door and take the keys with me.... big oops... i did screw up with that one... anyway

her reason for not letting me go to watch her play this weekend was that the writing in my journal wasn't true... my feelings aren't true??? WHAT???? that was what was upsetting... if you won't let me go don't let me go because i forgot to lock the damn door not because i'm not your number one fan.... man... that was frustrating....

don't get me wrong... my mom has given up a lot of stuff for me.... she has done a ton of great things for me... it's just been the last couple months where we really haven't been doing so well... like really really not doing well at all.... and i just don't know how to fix it anymore.....

i dunno... and she just really really doesn't like these two friends of mine... kinda understandable for her to be a little weary considering the last two girls i have attempted to be best friends with (i was totally into them as well) ended up treating me and my family like shit... the thing is the friendship the three of us have is so damn cool.... i can't even really explain it to you.... because my mom has been pretty restrictive with my time the two of them have formed an even tighter bond then i have with either of them (yeah... its true... i'm totally jealous) but they are just so good to me... and yes, i'm basically in love with one of them... but man... i just can't get her to understand....

anyway the one that i really have a thing for is a cutter.... she hasn't slipped in a couple months now but it's still a pretty big deal with her.... and when she was in 1st period the other morning she cut her thumb when she was cutting something in her aviation class (btw.. aviation? god damn girl... come out of the fucking closet already!!!) anyway, it was a pretty deep cut and after 1st period we had advisory (kinda like homeroom... basically we just sit and bullshit for an hour).... she comes up there and she's got a bandaid on it... she just says to me kinda snappy "jordin it's no big deal!" okay then.... about ten minutes later i see her take off the bandaid and just stare at the cut... start playing with the skin around it... it's still bleeding... it was like she liked the blood (which obvioulsy she does.... she wouldn't be cutting if she didn't like the blood to a certain extent) the look in her eyes.... she looked almost happy. she looked fulfilled, like she had a purpose, like it reminded her that she was alive.... it just really made me so damn sad... jesus christ why doesn't anyone make a bigger deal about this kinda stuff? it's such an issue and no one ever talks about it....

so the two of them are in vancouver tonight... she's playing three matches tomorrow... damn.... i so wish i could be there.... i'll go up to my sisters tourney in seattle tomorrow night instead... hopefully being in the city will cheer me up at last a little bit... it always seems to work...

and btw, got a really cool email from the pride foundation today.... because they gave me such a huge scholarship and they think i would rep the foundation well i get to attend a huge conference on ways to teach and understand the concepts of tolerance.... i am so excited! all expenses paid! :)

Comments

Gerardo's picture

...

Wow, what a fucking cunt. Either you need to find a better spot to hide your journal or you need to smack that woman.

~Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!~

hellonwheels's picture

well..I'm not gonna og as far as jerry..

...and call your mom a cunt, but still, what she did wasn't right, so you should be mad. Well, hopefully A does well at state! Who are they playing? is she double or singles? I think a few girls from our school are going. and our track team just took the mesn 4x1 to state, pole vault to state, and shotput to state...well, have a good weekend jordin. later

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

lookin to the future...'s picture

well...

yeah.... she's not a cunt... a overly sensitive hyper vigilant mom yes but a cunt no... definitely not... yuck... i really don't like that word but i understand what he's trying to say...

anyway, yeah A's at state... she's playing singles and kicked some girl from spokane's ass this morning 6-1, 6-1... she is in the middle of a match with a really good girl from vancouver right now though... if she wins this she's through to the semis... if she loses she plays in the quarters later on today... it's killing me not to be there... man, i hate this....

whatever.. i'll get over it...

raining men's picture

Yeah

It is kinda evil of your mum. Amnd I'm sorry that does sound like a shit patch of life. Good luck with it all and it will end

"Sexual intercourse began in nineteen sixty-three (which was rather too late for me)"