WHY THE HECK
are we getting further apart
now that we're "together"
I really, really don't get it.
Its two weeks today.
Well. Technically it was exactly two weeks at approximately 2AM this morning, since we started dating.
She asked me out. I said yes.
We were peaking on ecstasy.
Not exactly the most reliable circumstances.
But the day after she reassured me that it was real, and that she wanted it.
Now it feels stupid.
Before we dated, we were sorta like over-physical friends.
We basically couldn't spend a night with eachother without finding a way to end up making out for at least an hour and hugging and holding hands the rest.
BOOM. We start dating.
We can barely manage a chaste` peck, and holding hands still seems sort of like a big deal.
Me and T wagged school yesterday.
Got on a train, went about 20 minutes north along the coast (I live in a beautiful area in australia, just south of sydney. Beaches everywhere and beautiful coastal towns.)
We walk, and walk, and hitchhike, and rollerblade, and throw rollerblades, toss an apple off a bridge into the ocean, the usual.
End up in a town. Get a bit stoned. Eat some hot chips. Lie in the grass and watch kids and creepy old men in a playground.
We just.. lay there. Apart.
I wanted so much to pull her close and just hold her, to feel SOME connection to the girl I was, and still am, basically infatuated with.
She's just so. Cold.
Okay, not cold. But cynical.
She hates lame, romantic sentiments.
Which happen to be my life force.
Our relationship is basically a secret to her tells-everything-about-their-lives-best-friend R.
R dislikes me. It's kind of obvious as to why R mustn't find out, but still.
I'm just getting really frustrated.
We're not comfortable with eachother.
It's an open relationship but neither of us are really getting any action outside the relationship.
Now that I think of it. There's really no action INSIDE the relationship either.
Spent 6 hours with her yesterday. With three quick pecks within a 20minute timespan.
Thats 5hours and 40minutes of pretty much just being near eachother.
Near, not really close.
I just hate it. I really like her. I know that I still do.
I don't know what she feels because she NEVER talks about her feelings.
The only feelings she expresses are when she see's/hears a band she doesnt like. Or says how much she hates this girl named Tayla, who's now one of R's close friends. (they really dont seem compatible).
Anyway. If you've read this far I'm surprised and strangely proud =]
I just don't quite know what to do anymore.
I sign on MSN and see her name sitting there with a little green man, and I feel a rush of excitement and joy, i guess you could call it.
But I don't click it. Because I've always been the one to start a conversation.
I've always been the one to call. Always been the one to make plans.
She invites me to some gigs, with $150tickets, 2hours away that I'd never be allowed to attend.
Anyway. I just sit. And look at her name on the screen.
Then walk away from the computer, knowing in the back of my head that she probably won't start a conversation, yet still hoping she does.
I come back 15 minutes later. She's offline.
So typical. She doesnt like talking about feelings, relationships or anything 'gay' or 'lame' like that.
I really need to cry but I can't. I want someones shoulders to cry on but I havn't got anyone =[
I've got my best friend A.
God I love her so much. She's always there for me.
I'd totally date her. If i felt that way about her. And if she didnt have a bf (shes bi) But we don't sit together. And I really only see her in homeroom and when we bump into eachother (well, wait inside our homeroom where our bags are) at the start+end of recess and lunch.
Gah. I just need to get it out.
Oh yeah. And Friday night Me, T, C+M (two best friends that were there the night me and T started dating) and J were going to hit the town armed with glowsticks, dummies, some ecstasy and a night of fun.
But there's complications with getting the pills and it seems it might be raining.
Urgh. I might postpone the night.
If I wait a week or two I can get the pills cheaper too. Ehh. Maybe =/
Sorry, this was wayyy longer than expected :S
Love you all. <3
**ps. check out the band 'Billy Talent' . they're freakin awesome.