The last two days had been warm but this morning was both cold and windy. It felt like the cold went right through your body. The air was so fresh though that it also was nice to just stand freezing your ass off for a second and breathing in the freshness.
It sort of reminded me of those once-in-a-blue-moon days in L.A. when you actually got some fresh air. It wasn't often but it was nice when it came.
Jerry and I talked for a while last night on the phone. I was in my room because I knew he'd be calling and his conversations occasionally get a little sexually oriented. No, not phone sex but nontheless a little more than I would want to discuss in the presence of my mom or brothers. Besides, Chucky, my 14 year-old brother was having a discussion with mom about some classroom grades that were less than wonderful.
Jerry's plan was that since his dad was going to be out of town for two days starting Thursday, we should meet at his place and have a little one on one time. I won't say that Jerry is eager but there are times when I actually need to be away from him. I don't think this is necessarily unique to Jerry, I am like that with most anyone. I have to breathe and I need time alone sometimes.
I went through this thing where everyone thought it was unhealthy for me to be alone and thank God my mom came to my rescue. She told people that I had always been like that. Everyone seemed to think that I was going to sneak off and cut my wrists or something. I guess it's tough for people who always see you with a big stupid grin on your face to realize that you occasionally do take that grin off and stow it for a while just to rest the smile muscles.
I have always been a cheerful sort of guy, don't ask me why, I just feel like smiling at people opens more doors than frowning at them. As I have mentioned before though it does cause problems. I had a teacher once who called my mom because she noted that I was very serious while studying for a test.
"Is Damon feeling under the weather?" she asked.
When shown a picture of all four of us boys together, grandma once remarked, "who is that other boy and where is Damon?"
Oops!...... forgot to grin like a chechire cat again.
On the other hand I guess I make my own situations at times. Jerry say he likes to be around me because I make him feel happy. I know if anyone deserves to be happy it is Jerry. He worries so much about his mom. If you remember, she had a stroke and cannot speak clearly and often does not know who he is. That's gotta be tough.
We'll walk into her room at the facility where she stays and she'll greet him with a big smile. She has come to recognize him but still cannot understand that he is her son. I see Jerry's eyes light up for a moment and then she'll say, "who are you again?"
It's like watching his heart break over and over again. He hold the tears until we are alone somewhere and then he cries for a long time. At first I was uncomfortable about this until I realized his dad was not much comfort to him on the matter. His dad is a great guy but I think in order to shield himself from the pain, he unintentionally shuts Jerry out when he says anything to him about her not recognizing him.
Jerry is a happy guy most of the time too and that makes it all the harder to see him go through this. That's why I know that I cannot push him aside with some lame excuse of having too much homework or something when he needs to be with me. I hate that I am all he has when it comes to this issue. I wish he had a circle of casual friends that would be there for him. Since I don't go to his school there is really no chance for me to help him assemble any support groups and you have to remember this is Wyoming, there aren't supports groups on every corner like there would be in L.A.
Often one of the hardest things for me to do is to watch others suffer through things like this. It breaks my heart and it must show because the other night Mom asked about Jerry. I said he was doing OK. Then she ask if I was doing OK. I just sort of nodded.
I really thought I was but I found myself feeling very sad about Jerry and his mom later that evening. It serves to prove to myself that I am not as self-centered as I acuse myself of being. Sometimes I get all caught up in my own problems and issues and I attack myself for being so self- indulging. I also know now that is why I cut. I have to chasitse myself for my selfishness. I have to remind myself that I am human, and blood does that so well.