confession to crush

electricity's picture

I basically told C I liked her last night. Here's how it happened:

After seeing our school play of "Moulin Rouge" [which was awesome] C, Y, Y's boyfriend P, and I went back to my house. Per usual, Y had to be home earlier than everyone, so her and P left. And per usual, just C and I are left. We were hanging out in my room, just lying on my bed. Conversation was thin; I was frustrated with the whole situation with C, and I guess that was weighing my desire to talk much. She was up to just mentioning random crap. I was pretty reserved, I didn't want to cuddle or hold hands, because it didn't mean to her what it meant to me, and I guess that just bothers me. Wishful thinking always taps in and wants to make me believe that she must feel something for me, but it'll never be the case.

She said, "You're very affectionate today." "Yup." Topics bounced around and after she said she had the song "Midnight to Midnight" stuck in her head I gave her a hug and she said "That's the [my name] I know." I don't know if it was then or a little later that I asked "Why are you so affectionate with me?"

"I don't know." "It's misleading." Her face got all apologetic, but I didn't look at her long; during the duration of this whole conversation my focus was mostly on my soft blue pillow and drawing hearts in it. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be misleading." "I know, it's ok... it's just, wishful thinking makes me think it's something else, even though I know you're straight and all..." C said that she liked being affectionate because none of her other friends had been, and now that someone was the same way, [as I said for her] she was taking advantage of it. C said, "I just like being affectionate. I like touching people." Me: "I like touching people, too. But I like holding hands and cuddling with people--"

I remembered my previous decision not to tell C that I liked her. How there was high risk it would be awkward for her and after all, what would be the point? But then C said, "Go ahead. Finish your thought." So I did: "...with people I like."

So then it was out in the open. She knew I liked her, and she knew it bothered me that she was so friendly with me, because yeah, it sends the wrong message. However, I told her it's not her fault, she liked being cuddly, cool. But it's MY head that's getting ahead of things and letting me believe something I shouldn't. I told her I was kind of sorry I said anything, because there was really no need for it, but she kept saying she was glad I said something. "Does it really hurt you that I'm affectionate?" I couldn't help laughing at the question. I said no, while laughing, and that it was fine, it's just that it kind of sends the wrong message and the same crap we mentioned before.

Came time when I needed to take her home to avoid curfew. The conversation continued with C saying "I think why I'm like that is because I haven't had a boyfriend and I'm a little lonely"--she added a little laugh, but really she was only half joking. I said, "And now that someone thinks you're hot, sweet, and will give you the time of day, you're just taking advantage of it. I don't blame you." "Yeah, but it's not fair to you." Yeah, it really fucking isn't.
I told her that I wanted to bring it up mostly for closure. "Closure?" Yeah, there was always that small little sliver of a possibility that you could've liked me. My wishful thinking always came into play. Just because I hadn't gotten fully "shut down" so-to-speak. Having you know I liked you was always that last resort, even though I'm sure you already knew.

Either then or beforehand, or maybe when I dropped her off we established and re-established that it's ok for her to be affectionate with me, and to hug me. And just before I left I said, "And you know, it's not just the cuddling. You call me all the time, tell me if you were gay you'd date me, think I'm pretty, pay for my meals, stuff like that." C replied, "You're right, I am pretty gay with you." We chuckled a little at that. Then we hugged a nice big hug and I got back in my car.

As she was walking towards her front door she turned to look at me and I looked down quickly. When I looked back up she had her back to me again.


Toph's picture

Wow that's a complicated

Wow that's a complicated situation. It must've been nerve-racking but relieving.

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

taste the rainbow's picture

Even though you weren't

Even though you weren't planning on telling her, I think it's a good thing that it's all in the open now. How are you feeling about the situation now? Do you feel better that you've told her?

electricity's picture

I don't regret telling her.

I don't regret telling her. It was probably better that I did, now she knows and everything's a little more... honest, if that makes sense. I saw her today and it was a little awkward, because we hardly touched at all. It felt a little stiff. But the hug goodbye was long and warm [oh, dirty] so that was nice. Haha, that really does sound dirty. I am five years old.

joemondragon's picture

It's good that you told her.

It's good that you told her. Hey, be happy she took it well and didn't say "ew, you like me get away!"

"A friend is someone who bails you out of jail; a best friend is someone who stands in the cell next to you and says 'that was freakin' awesome'"
-Dr. Jamie Morris

-Ruby-'s picture

u go girl! ;-)

AWKWARD MOMENTS... welcome to my life