Saturday I saw the movie "The Invisible" with Y, C, and Y's boyfriend we'll call P. I disobeyed the law and drove C to the theater so her parents didn't have to do it. Y and P are super anal and drive in their own seperate cars, hah "Ok honey let's go on a date!" "Ok, I'll meet ya there!"
But anyway, after the movie they came back to my house. Y and P left at 10 or so, so it was just me and C. I told her she might as well spend the night, just so we're not restricted to me taking her home before 11. So, she did. We were watching TV, and she kind of leans closer to me [probably for a hug or something] and stays with her shoulders leaning into me and such. Our arms became positioned so that my left arm was caught under her right arm. With the outstretch of my fingers, I could feel her hand. I tried not to be too abrupt in working my way to her hand, but I'd leave my fingers touching her hand, and then take them away etc. You know the game.
Our arms shifted until our hands met, and we laced fingers, and squeezed. [The only other time we held hands was when I was "scared" when we drove on that supposedly scary road.] And of course we cuddled like bitches. Later on that night we sat on the couch for me to tell her a story, and I was leaned back against the pillow with my feet up, and she leans over and lays on my chest/stomach. I pet her head and we held hands a little more and just in general were really close and cute. We kept petting eachothers head and shit--mostly because we had headaches-- and said I love you a lot, all the crap.
But then we're talking while doing all this and she says "Yeah if I were gay I would totally go out with you" and I actually said "Shut up, you tease" and that made her butthurt, hah. She kept saying throughout the night "I'm not a tease. I just like being affectionate." In general she's really not [never been kissed, asked out, had a bf, nothing] but when it comes to me, she is. She even told me I was hot [she found out she was an LH (lesbian hot) in the "Lesbian Hot, Regular Hot" game, and was seriously flattered and asked me several questions on why and all] and gorgeous and so on. She even said she wishes she was gay and I'm like WTF!!
We went to bed at 3 and woke up around 8 or so. I woke up, and all the 30 seconds after I weakly opened my eyes and fought a battle with my eyelids, she started petting my head. [Yeah I know, very Mr Antolini from Catcher in the Rye, hah, but not at all creepy like that was.]
The next day she came over for dinner and we ran back to her house to get Golden Girls and teasingly I said "You should just experiment" and then added "But now's not the time since you haven't even been in a relationship before." Then she said "Yeah and it wouldn't be fair to you" Me: "That's true. But really, it wouldn't lie in whether or not you're gay, it's in how you feel about me." Because really, the way you feel about other people comes first, then the realization and all that.
So we can see the source of my frustration. She's saying she'd date me, thinks I'm attractive, cuddles and holds hands with me, and basically I have everything going for me except the fact that she's fucking straight.
I talked to S about it, and she was shocked to hear we held hands. We talked about how it might be that C is just happy to have someone have an interest in her and is exploiting me because of it, you know? Like she'll take advantage of the situation. S said she was going to "feel around the situation" for me and see if C really knows by know that I like her. She should. Talking to S really kills me because all the wishful thinking goes to hell. S knocks reality back into me that C is straight, and besides being so friendly doesn't show signs of being even bisexual at the least.
Today I was in line for registration at the college and she got there a while after me and saw me in line and came and talked to me. I was awkward. I felt sort of angry at her, but it was a subtle feeling. Just one like I didn't really want to talk to her, you know? I really kind of wanted to be by myself and not talk to this girl who was fucking leading me on, even though I knew better than to follow. I wished I hadn't cuddled or held hands with her. I hoped I wouldn't do it again. I love being her best friend, but know we've carried it to a level where I'm involved and we've made that a level in our friendship, and when it doesn't go anywhere I'm going to lose interest, and that level will be dropped. You know?
Oh this is long, I'll end here.