Cutterland

Damon's picture

Someone asked if this site was becoming the new cutter site. Gosh I hope not.
From a cutter's standpoint, That's not why I'm here. The fact that I am a cutter is not a reason to have a journal.
And for all those WANNABE cutters out there that think it is all cool, I can tell you that it is not. People die that way.
I started cutting at the age of about ten. They say it is a mental disorder but I am not a mental case and there is evidence some really famous, intelligent people are and were cutters.
But to keep this site clean from the scurge of cutter entries, I will stop there.
So............ nice day. There is sun here in Casper and that always makes things warm and fluffy.
I am extremely depressed today and I really don't know why. I feel like just being alone and I am realizing that this is Memorial Day weekend coming up and I will have to deal with three brothers and my mom all weekend. I shouldn't really say that because it's not that big of a deal but in the delicate state my brain is in, it could be.
Jerry and I could spend some time together but I also need to study for my last two finals. Maybe it's something in the water because my little brother came and jumped in bed with me last night. He used to do that a lot right after my dad passed away. I can always tell when he's feeling a little fragile, a chip right off his big brother's block apparently.
You can tell where he's at because I said, "hey what's up?"
"Nothing," he said. Then he buried his head against my chest.
You know, we've tried to talk and nothing ever comes out of him. Partly because I think he knows that I understand already and partly because he's like me, if you don't talk about it, it doesn't hurt.
Maybe I'm not the great example for him and the others that I think I am.
Jerry said, "would it really kill them if they found out they had a gay, cutter brother that is capable of tears occasionally?"
Jerry says that I never allow myself to fall backward and trust that someone would be there to catch me. Sure I do! I'D BE THERE TO CATCH ME.
It is a pain in the ass when you have to be your own support system even though you know if you could just allow someone else in, they'd be there for you.
Ever since I was a little kid I can remember my mom saying to different people, "He's so independent."
After a while people start expecting you to be independent and stop offering support. Then some genes and hormones and blood plasma kicks in and you realize you have alienated yourself from everyone, at least for the purpose of support. You're still thought of as the "good son" but you always hear "leave him alone, he'll be fine."
I think the last time I went crying to my mom was when I was about three and smashed my finger in the garage door. After Chucky came along, he did enough crying for the both of us in his first year of life on earth. They finally figured out that he was lactose intolerant.
By the time the other boys came along I was well on my way to being "big brother" able to leap tall buildings at a single bound.
So here I am, a teen now with a strong desire at tmes to suck my thumb and hold my blanky, (or cut) and my friends call me spiderman ( because of my tall stature not because I shoot webbing from hidden apendages). Somehow it has stuck and even Jerry calls me Spidy.
I admit this is all self-inflicted. One whimper and my mother would come running and stand in my general area ready to administer first aid, but not without my OK first.
"I'm fine don't touch me. It's just a broken leg and a skull fracture."
Jerry says I still hold some parts of my innerself outside his reach. I am sure I do, but Jerry is the first person in a long time that has started to crack the shell that guards the soft underbelly of Spiderman, but its like giving up the golden rings. If you patronize me too much, I'll close the door and lock it.
It all started like this..........
I remember now, I was 9 years old and I fell off the swing and the damned metal thing came back and nailed me in the forehead giving me this nice little scar that you can see here. Mom and dad rushed to my side to find me bleeding like a stuck pig but of course not crying.
Mom started making cooing noises like a mother pigeon and of course that started the tears.
Her words to my dad were,"Honey we have to get him to the hospital for stitches. Damon never cries and if he's crying it must be really bad."
I think it was the word "stitches" that got my attention. I dried up the tears in a big hurry and claimed that I had sand in my eye.
This my motto: "Smile at all assaults to the human heart and body except at funerals and then smile when necessary." Sounds like something Mark Twain would say, doesn't it.

Comments

jeff's picture

Cutting...

I don't know about mental disorder. I think that like alcohol and drugs, it is a coping strategy, and one that does nothing to change the reason you cut. If you drink to forget, when the alcohol wears off, the problem is still there AND you're hungover (AND there's some guy in your bed and you can't remember his name). So, cutting is just distraction from problems, and more cutting will be required the more it goes on, since one little cut will lose its impact over time and turn into two cuts, three cuts, etc.

There seems to be some thinking that cutting is benign on here, which I don't believe to be true.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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Gerardo's picture

HAHA. That was me that

HAHA.

That was me that asked. I feel special that I pushed someone to write a long journal about it.

"And for all those WANNABE cutters out there that think it is all cool, I can tell you that it is not. People die that way."

This is a kind of silly remark to make if you're a cutter yourself.

Maybe cutting has become a way for people to pull attention to themselves, however want isn't necessarily need.

If you see your flaws in the past (which I think you're trying to say you notice), then why not do what you can now to fix them? Like find a supportive group of people? Or is it that you feel no regret for alienating yourself.

Is Jerry your boyfriend? We have the same name. :D

~Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!~

Damon's picture

To clarify

Cutting is an addiction just like a drug and hard to kick. As far as drawing attention to ones self by cutting, that is not the case since most of us hide it at all cost from everyone except for places like this that are basically anonymous.
You can die and we all realize that just like the drug addict realizes he can goof up and die.
I have pretty much stopped cutting because I realize I am smarter than that.
Yes Jerry is my partner and he has been responsible for teaching me how to be more careful with myself. Support groups for the most part suck. They are for people who want them and I don't. They are hugely patronizing in most cases. There is some merit in finding your own way out of the proverbial paper bag.

Gerardo's picture

Furthermore

When I say support group, I mean like a group of friends that you can talk to about shit. You can turn your house into a support group if you have the resolve to do so.

I don't see how one can relate drug use and cutting, seeing as how there is no physical addiction to cutting. i.e. If someone has an addiction to caffiene, they can't go through the day without feeling chills, headaches, etc.

Hmm, giving out your name and showing your picture... Gotta' love the anonymity.

~Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!~

Damon's picture

Anonymity is relative. It's

Anonymity is relative. It's not like anyone in Oasis is going to knock on my door within the next hour and ask me what the hell I'm doing. I would never use my real name in any journal and as far as my picture goes, those who would recognize me, also know I have been a cutter. I don't have a huge circle of friends and besides my partner, nobody seems to really give a damn.
Drugs can cause both a physical and mental addiction. Likewise, an addiction can be described as a state of mental compulsion with or without the physical effects. The U.S. Lottery Commission spends about 6 million a year trying to reduce the number of people addicted to gambling. The only withdrawal symptoms known so far is the actual ability to pay your bills and feed your children.
Conversations like this could start me on the road to a quick recovery by virtue of aversion therapy.

joemondragon's picture

I've always felt that there

I've always felt that there are other ways to support oneself without cutting. It's good to see it in writing, and also good to see that you've begun to stop cutting. Remember, it always help to have someone to catch you if you fall, because you won't always be there.

"A friend is someone who bails you out of jail; a best friend is someone who stands in the cell next to you and says 'that was freakin' awesome'"
-Dr. Jamie Morris