I'm sort of going to "come out" to Oasis during this journal entry, I suppose.
I think I'm genderqueer. Or genderfucked. I prefer that term better, because it sounds just like my gender situation. Sometimes I feel like a girl, which is my biological sex. Other times, I feel like a guy. It's weird. I have absolutely no say over what gender I'm going to feel like. It seems like my gender fluctuates or something. My feeling of gender seems to change because of certain events sometimes, too. A couple of days ago I was playing basketball with a bunch of boys during free time, and my blood was pumping and everything, and I started feeling like a boy. Maybe testosterone rushed to my brain or something and caused me to feel extra "manly"? I dunno.
God, it's weird. My gender fluctuates. Is there any kind of scientific explanation for this? Is there any scientific reason why my perception of my own gender suddenly changes at the drop of a hat? I mean, there's an explanation for why transgendered people's brains feel like they're in the wrong body. But how come I've never heard something that told me why I feel comfortable in my own body sometimes and yet at other times don't? Does anyone have any explanation for this? ANYTHING would be helpful. This is really frustrating me.
Sometimes I feel okay inside my own skin, and other times I look down at my boobs and think, "Why are those there? I want them off. Somebody chop those stupid, useless things off of my chest." This is insane. If you're just transgender, then at least you can get an operation to feel better in your own skin, and that's it. But with me, sometimes I want to get an operation and sometimes I don't.
Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Could someone please help? I'm really fucking confused. Is there anything I can do about this? Is there some type of pill I can take regularly to make the gender fluctuating go away? HELP ME, DAMMIT!