GENderFUCked

utter_insanity's picture

I'm sort of going to "come out" to Oasis during this journal entry, I suppose.

I think I'm genderqueer. Or genderfucked. I prefer that term better, because it sounds just like my gender situation. Sometimes I feel like a girl, which is my biological sex. Other times, I feel like a guy. It's weird. I have absolutely no say over what gender I'm going to feel like. It seems like my gender fluctuates or something. My feeling of gender seems to change because of certain events sometimes, too. A couple of days ago I was playing basketball with a bunch of boys during free time, and my blood was pumping and everything, and I started feeling like a boy. Maybe testosterone rushed to my brain or something and caused me to feel extra "manly"? I dunno.

God, it's weird. My gender fluctuates. Is there any kind of scientific explanation for this? Is there any scientific reason why my perception of my own gender suddenly changes at the drop of a hat? I mean, there's an explanation for why transgendered people's brains feel like they're in the wrong body. But how come I've never heard something that told me why I feel comfortable in my own body sometimes and yet at other times don't? Does anyone have any explanation for this? ANYTHING would be helpful. This is really frustrating me.

Sometimes I feel okay inside my own skin, and other times I look down at my boobs and think, "Why are those there? I want them off. Somebody chop those stupid, useless things off of my chest." This is insane. If you're just transgender, then at least you can get an operation to feel better in your own skin, and that's it. But with me, sometimes I want to get an operation and sometimes I don't.

Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. Could someone please help? I'm really fucking confused. Is there anything I can do about this? Is there some type of pill I can take regularly to make the gender fluctuating go away? HELP ME, DAMMIT!

Comments

jeff's picture

Well...

I think there is a huge mental component to it on some level (all speculative of course, since I don't deal with this issue personally). But I think it is like anything else: given attention it reacts.

When I am in yoga, and focus on my breath, it becomes deeper. When we cool down at the end of class, I put my finger on my neck and feel my pulse and by bringing attention to it, my heart slows down faster than it had been previously. When I'm in a specific pose, and I put my attention on my left thigh, which is supposed to be parallel to the floor, but is not, I can adjust it and correct my form.

But I think there is also a negative element of this, and it is when you pay attention to that on which you don't want to focus. And the oddest bit of this to me has always been the people most opposed to the binary gender system that exists, who take up all these genderfucked and genderqueer terms, are tethering themselves to the system in which they don't believe. It is sort of like not believing in homosexuality and calling yourself heteroabberant instead.

So, my first question would be, why buy into a binary gender system? Why buy into societal notions that basketball is a "boy" thing in the first place? I actually think parents do a disservice by buying boy babies all blue shit and trucks, and putting their girls in pink and giving them dolls. So, yeah, on some level, you are resisting something that has been drilled into you from birth.

But, unlike heterosexuality, which you were also taught was your future, yet you rejected, you still buy into the system of gender. So, you give the system power and then complain about its power over you? Easy fix: stop caring.

I've had body image issues forever, and my yoga class every day takes place in front of a mirrored wall in the skimpiest little shorts I could find. there is nowhere to hide, so all I get to do is took at myself, and accept that is who I am today. And, I have the opportunity to change what I see, starting with the class I am taking.

Just live outside the gender system, as it has no value. Unless you're filling out a form, who cares? don't do "boy" thing, "girl" things, and certainly not "genderfucked/genderqueer" things. Just think what would make you happy, stop looking at it through the lens of gender, and step forward toward your happiness.

I think genderqueer is the Catholicism of the gay community, where you first have to believe in God, and secondly, think you are immediately a sinner that will never be worthy of that belief. Most people deal entirely with the latter issue without ever just dumping the whole shebang.

Or hebang, I suppose, if you prefer.

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

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joemondragon's picture

I disagree. If

I disagree. If transgenderism (is that a word) is real, why can't genderqueer, or genderfucked be just as tangible? I don't know much about this myself, be cause I've never even questioned my gender. you're going to have to do all the pill research for yourself.

"A friend is someone who bails you out of jail; a best friend is someone who stands in the cell next to you and says 'that was freakin' awesome'"
-Dr. Jamie Morris

jeff's picture

Well...

Transgender people have an end game. They also use the binary system, but typically use it to indicate their path, M2F, for example. Even without surgery, they will completely identify with their desired gender.

I guess I just resist labeling myself by systems I don't agree with ("Hi, I'm unCatholic."). To tether yourself to something that causes you dissatisfaction, which is largely mental, and has no necessity... what's the point?

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Gerardo's picture

Can one say...

TL;DR on Oasis?

~Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!~

jeff's picture

Not sure what those are...

but you can say anything on Oasis.

EDIT: Just Googled. Nope, we don't use that on here. I guess I would question the necessity of tagging something at all if you don't want to read it?

---

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." -- Josh Billings.

Add me on MySpace!

Gerardo's picture

Because...

Tagging is a few clicks away. Reading means I have to sit here and stare at the screen. I'm not making sense, am I? Prolly because I'm a little tipsy. I also credit my time on Oasis to being tipsy.

Stupid Merlot...

~Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto!~

Toph's picture

Well, I can't offer much

Well, I can't offer much help and advice. All I can say is that I sometimes really hate my boobs too. Like, they're just right there in the way. And sometimes it doesn't feel right to have them. But I'm not really willing to have them taken away. Like, I dunno. It's weird. I think its natural to feel genderfucked. Like, we can't be comfortable with ourselves all the time. Um...give it time and pay attention to these fluctuations. Sorry I can't really help.

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

the mouse that roared's picture

Hey

Well, I must say that I often feel the same way. I find the whole issue utterly confusing, so I'm mostly just letting it be until I go to an all-female school next year. Then we'll see how it all works out.

I mean, I don't really know where it comes from, but I do think it is a natural reaction. What to do about it is another matter and I would say a) it really takes time to sort this one out and b) avenging yourself against the gendered world is probably embittering, isolating, and largely hopeless. I agree that gender stereotypes are pervasive and limiting in our (and every) society. Often I feel trapped in them and I don't really want to be seen as female. Doesn't necessarily mean I want to be seen as male, though, or that I don't just have my own body image issues.

My advice is... research the genderqueer movement, but don't buy into it until you know it fits you. It can be another box. Think long and hard before coming out to people in person. Make sure you know who you are and you can trust who you talk to. Genderqueer is pretty much the deep end of queerness.

Here's a quote to start you off: "We're born naked. Everything else is drag." --RuPaul

To Jeff: I'm not sure if you're helping. Maybe you could ask someone less confused how it feels?

Also, I think people use a term that disidentifies with gender for a few reasons. First, not every genderqueer person disagrees or does not identify with some sort of gender concept. Second, when questioning one's gender, often one feels a lot of resentment towards gender assumptions and conditioning. That resentment towards gender, especially when the majority of the population identifies with the gender binary system, makes sense with the terminology. Un-Catholic is a little different, as there are many types of religions, and the majority of the world is not Catholic. People don't automatically assume that you are Catholic. If they did, a lot of non-Catholics probably would use the world. Third, that's what it is: gender deviant, gender queer. It fits better that way into the rest of the queer community.

No one has a right to sit down and feel hopeless; there is too much work to do.--Dorothy Day

jojojo's picture

hey

hey,

I don't know about a lot of things, but I do think it is "natural" to feel in a certain way now, and to feel different a little later. Like Toph wrote, why shold we feel the same all the time?

I think i am lucky to the extent that I don't mind being female and "a woman"... I don't know if it is right to say that for the most part "I feel like a woman", but I can say that for the most part I feel in a way which does not motivate me to object to being seen as a woman.

But sometimes there are situations like... people talking about what men typically like or do, and what women are generally like. And then I sometimes feel like I have nothing to do with these "men" and "women" they are talking about. I am not one of them.

Even though i identify as a woman most of the time, I also know the fluctuation. I sometimes feel like a charming little sweet girl. This feeling is a bit weird, and not so common, but in some situations I have it. At pother times I feel more like a mature androgenous lesbian...
It is difficult to describe these things with words. But there are different ways of imagining myself as a "woman". Like, little-girl-woman or tough-cool-woman or feminine-woman or transgender-inspired-woman, etc.
Some of this has to do with the people around me, and the contrast which I form to them. Like, when I am around a group of girly teenaged girls, I certainly feel very much NOT girly. But when I am around a very un-charming woman, I might feel kind of girly-charming next to her...

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)