"Home"

milee13's picture

So...after almost exactly a year I'm home for the summer.
I feel like I've stepped into some kind of drugs and alcohol infused alternate reality.
Nothing is the way I left it. Nothing is functioning. I come back to find my belongings broken and sitting on the porch, my mother with bronchitis or something and some crazy lady staying here and my younger sister doing all kinds of things that sixteen year olds shouldn't be doing, wasting all of her potential.

I feel depressed.
Anxious.
Irritated.
Empty.

It smells like pot and cigarette smokes and...I'm sleeping on the couch because my 31 year old brother took over my room when I left and it's chaos, I can't even get to the few things I had stored in the closet.

I feel like I was never here. I don't want to be here. I don't know what to do.

I've already loaned my mom money and I don't know if I'm going to get it back.

Everything is such a mess, it's all so different.
I want to be back in Oakland, I want to be back in San Francisco.
I don't want to watch this situation degenerate any further. I don't belong in my family unit anymore, I don't fit.

I need to pull myself together. I need to find a focus.
In other news, I had an interview this afternoon--my first day back, and it sounds as though, providing my drug test on Tuesday comes back clean (which it will) that I have a position. If I don't--well, I'll just keep looking. It's only minimum wage but it's union and I can transfer and all that jazz and I also wouldn't be cashiering which I kind of despise. I'm hoping I get this so that I won't have to look anymore and so I'll have something to do with my days.

I'm also thinking about trying to do some volunteering somewhere as well--I need to do something or I'll lose it without school.

And I aleady miss school, I've only been out for two weeks and I'm ready to go back and start my new classes.

eh....

Home.....

Comments

Toph's picture

I'm sorry about the whole

I'm sorry about the whole family situation..

Good luck on the job!

~I love goodluck rubs ;P

jojojo's picture

hey

hey, sorry to read about your "home"...
Hope you'll be at a place which is more truely home soon...
good luck!

We have all been injured, profoundly. (Donna Haraway)
I Am Out, Therefore I Am. (Okay, mostly.)