Yesterday I promised to tell my friend Ari why I've been so distant and upset latly on friday after school. I've been so upset because I'm strugling with my gender identity and kinda my sexuality so I pretty much promised to come out. Then, today in school he asked if I could talk to him about it after school that day. I said yes. So, today after school we went to the band room. I was really quiet and scared as hell. I could feel my heart beating at about a million miles per hour. He sat down and started playing the base and I just randomly blurted out "I'm gay". He launched into this whole long rant about how fine that was and how he didn't really care. Then I told him that I had something else to tell him. I was so damn scared and then in this really stutery voice I told him that I didn't fully identify as a girl. That stoped him cold. The following conversation went something like this
Ari: "ok..." he said it almost like a reflex, "wait, what, I don't think I follow."
Me: "I don't think of myself as a girl, I'm not entirly sure what I am but I'm not a girl. That is why I've been so distant latly, you know me as a girl, but the girl you know doesn't exsist."
Ari: "I'm still kinda confused, do you, um," it was really awkward, "have boy parts."
Me: "No, but sometimes I wish I did. All I really know is that I'm not a normal girl"
it went on like this for quite some time. I was scared the whole time and Ari was bewildered and confused and shocked and very supportive. After I calmed down from it I felt great, probably the best I've felt in months. It's not that sorta supperficial happiness that I get when I hear a good joke on the DAILY SHOW, but rather this awsome feeling of hope and knowing that I'm loved for who I am, and relief. For the first time I'm looking foward to going to school tomorrow so that I can be with someone who knows who I am.