Petals of White

Damon's picture

I am home from school today and I expect to spend the afternoon with Jerry. I am home because whenever he needs me I'll be there for him. His mom had another stroke yesterday and for a time it looked like she may be in a coma for a very long time but fortunately, (I say that because in my humble mind it is fortunate,) she passed away.
I was not there because I didn't know until mom got a call from Jerry's dad. They don't know each other except by what we have told them of each other but apparently they had a lengthly conversation on the phone.

His dad said that he would appreciate it if I would come around this afternoon and be with Jerry while they make arrangements. I thought about going to school but decided that I would not have my mind on much else anyway and if Jerry needed me I would be available. Jerry called about an hour ago and sounded surprisingly in control and somewhat resigned. He said he never wanted to see his mom in a coma just to have her around and I had to agree with him on that. Her smiling face is etched in my mind as I am sure it is Jerry's and that is what I choose to remember.
I have to work tonight because tomorrow is the last day for the coffee shop. It closes forever Friday night. Although it seems a little strange, I can't help feeling it is a fitting time for the demise of the coffee shop. Two wonderful parts of my short time here in Wyoming will extinguish together.
I feel foolish sitting here writing when there is such a heightened sense of need that surrounds me but that is always the case even when my dad passed away, there are those times when you seem to have a need to do something but don't know what it is. I remember sitting and staring out the window thinking the same thing after dad passed away. "I should be doing something." But all that could be done, was done.
This will change Jerry to some degree as it did me, especially since his mother was ill to a degree that it disturbed him and kept him always thinking about what the future may bring.
For me it was a little different. Dad's death was unexpected and he was perfectly fine the day before. Still it changes you. You take fewer things for granted. It also made me the proverbial man of the house and my mom reinforced that by making me a bigger part of the decision-making forum at home. So much so, that it has postponed my desire to discuss my sexual orientation with her and may have forever changed how I will handle it in the future.

Petals of white rained down and only through a fog could I see the gleaming chrome of the wheelchair.
Then with a sudden rush of light and wind, it was all drawn upward again and the lovely lady dressed in the pink gown assended with it.
As if to controll just a moment of God's time, she reached down and touched her sleeping son's face, and she was gone.
But he will see her in the crystal midnight sky again and again. Her voice will speak in the whispering pines so he will know, she is not far.


TheInsideLlama's picture

We both know it's hard to

We both know it's hard to loose a parent... but I feel as if maybe she is better off not here now, But how do we truly know what is on the other side? it's something we will not know until we reach that place on our own... I really feel for you *HUG* Deep down on the inside he probably feels a bit better that he doesn't have to see her in that state anymore.

But I really do feel bad for you I have a lot of trust in you as a friend metaphysically since we only know each others words not voices or have ever seen each other... Maybe it's because theres no other children at home but much of my life me and my mom have been on our own she has still not allowed me to become part of the decision making process...

Damon's picture


Yes we both do know that it is hard to lose a parent. I only hope that I can help Jerry through it some. You are right we don't know what is on the other side but I tell you honestly that I can feel my dad. So many times I have experienced a thought that only he could have given me.
I went to bed one night really missing him and feeling sad and that night I had one of the most realistic dreams that I have ever had. He stood in the upstairs hall of our new home and offered his arms to me for a hug. In my dream I hugged him and told him that I missed him and he just smiled and asked me "why, I am always here to watch you".
I woke up feeling as if I had actually experienced my dad's hug.
It almost made me cry but I was so happy too.
It is hard to say what is going through your mom's mind. All I can tell you is, just live your life responsibly and without putting too much of your personal feelings about gay life in her face. You are old enough that you can handle your own affairs privately. Be safe in what you do and always remember you are not alone.


lil_will87902's picture

i'm sorry

i'm very sorry to hear about Jerry's mother please wish him the best for me


Damon's picture

Thank you Will

Jerry knows about my journal and likes to read it sometimes. He'll get your message and I am sure he will appreciate knowing that he has friends who care about him.
The funeral will be Tomorrow (saturday) and I expect to be pretty busy until then.
I'd like to convince Jerry to start a journal here too. It might help him vent some overwhelming feelings right now.
Thanks again.

lil_will87902's picture


yeah i think it would be good fro him, and i'd love to speak with him sometime

TheInsideLlama's picture

I know I'm not alone... and

I know I'm not alone... and maybe not physically anymore... things kind of changed after coming out in some uncharted territory (the venturing thing) and I'm very well accepted by the two there I'm out to already... Have to finish things up tomorrow one of our advisers ... Bit of a complicated story of how I handled it but went very well and my mom has kind of sparked a new sense for me, and is going to be talking to someone that I know... She seemed all this time deep down on the inside afraid to talk to someone she didn't know...