softball, my latest crush, and everything else

wilma wonka's picture

This winter I learned how to pitch, or rather, how to throw softballs in random directions and look like a fool at the same time. I like it a lot but I'm really bad at it. I'm not obbsesed with it but once I start something I have to keep doing it and I have to get it perfect, I'm a perfectionist who just doesn't know how to quit. I'm so bad that my coach didn't let me pitch in a game for the entire season until the last inning of the last game which was on Thursday. There are three girls on our team who know how to pitch, me, Nell, and Nora. Nell was sick so Nora was pitching. Then in the second to last inning our catcher threw the ball to Nora when she wasn't looking and broke Nora's finger. So I had to pitch for the last inning.
I was really freaked out and nervous. I had never even pitched on a pitcher's mound before. When we were going out to the field everyone was telling me that it didn't matter if i screwed up, we had lost the game anyways, and they would still love me no matter what. Anyways, I started pitching and everything just worked!!!! I STRUCK THREE GIRLS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so much fun. I thought pitching in a game would be harder because there's preasure and all but I just thought of it as performing. I've played harp since I was six and I act too so I'm used to performing. I've figured out how to get myself into this mindset where I hardly acknowledge my mistakes so I can't get discouraged by them which makes me do really well. I did the same thing with pitching and kicked ass. It was the only good thing in the game. It was so much fun!!!!!!!!!! Five days latter and I still feel like I"m on top of the world cuz of how well I did.

This weekend was pretty crazy. My school had this lock in thing where we all stayed at school overnight on Friday and stayed up till 4 or 5 and watched movies. I had to get up the next morning and go to music theory class which started at 9:45 and then I had a bat-mitzvah that night. At the lock in we watched "She's the Man" which for some reason pissed me off. The protagonist had everyone convinced that she was a boy, I would give practicly anything to be in her place, yet she hated it. The idea that she had something I wanted so badly and didn't like it pissed me off. Whenever I think about all of this "what's my gender identity" I get really emotionaly unstable so I nearly started crying. Fortunatly I didn't. I hate crying, it makes me feel unmanly. Why am I so unmanly? Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I'm not a man. God damn it.
I've started thinking about how and where to get a binder. I would like one. I could always take it off and be a girl again if I needed/wanted to but I wouldn't have breasts. I've always hated my breasts. While other girls talk about how they wish they had a c, I freaked out the last time I went bra shoping and realized I wore a c. Anyone know where to get a binder, or how to talk to my parents about this (I havn't told them or anyone else that I don't identify as a girl)I guess even if I managed to get a binder without their knowing, they would find out as soon as I started wearing it and then I would have to tell them what's going on even though I don't actualy completly know myself.
Anyways, the next morning I had to go to music theory class. My teacher can't teach at all and he's really sexsist. Everything that I have learned in theory this year I've taught myself, he's taught me nothing. When I ask him about the few things I do need help with he just tells me to focus hrader. I have EXTREEMLY good focus, and I am focusing hard and I still don't understand how to do those stupid dictations!!!!!!!!! I was so tired that morning and he wasn't helping me at all, like normal, so I got really pissed off at him and myself and started crying. Really embarassing. He didn't do anything so it made him look like an inssensitive ass. Score one for me.

That night I went to the bat-mitzvah for someone who I'm friends with through camp. The only people at the party who I knew were the people who I knew through camp. The only one who would talk to me was this girl who I recognised but she was a year younger than me so we had never really talked before. She's the girl I now have a major crush on. She's so sweet and nice and shy in that cute way and beautiful. She's really thin and her features are really light and she's so pale that it looks like she could just desintigrate or disappear. She's also really gracful. All of this gives her sort of this angelic quality. I don't know why I'm so obbsessed with her. She can't come back to the camp we both went to last year this summer so I'll probably never see her again : ( She's in the same dance class of a really good friend of mine so maybe I can see her through that friend. Even if I could she probably isn't gay, she doesn't seem very gay (not that my gaydar ever works) and besides that would just be too good to be true. It's probably best that we never see eachother, it'll be easier to get over her. Anyways, I stayed out really late at that bat- mitzvah party even though I was really tired from the locking and all just to be with her.
So, yeah, thats all of the crazy stuff that's happened in the past few days

Comments

-Ruby-'s picture

heyyy...

my boobs are C too. there's no way i could hide those babies... but i'd never want to, cuz i luv them.
i've heard that binding can be painful/uncomfortable, especially if ur on the busty-er side... so i wish u luck with that & hope it helps u feel more like ur true self.
as for talkin to the parents about ur gender identity, maybe u should have them watch the April 27th 20/20 special "My Secret Self", in which Barbara Walters interviewed 3 transgender children and their parents. it was educational, but also very emotional. the parents were ultimately so supportive. one of the people they interviewed was a 17 yr old who started transitioning from female to male when he was 14, his story may be of interest to u. on the main page of oasis u may have noticed there is a forum about the show- at the top there's a link to the 20/20 site with articles from the show, lower down jeff posted a link where u can download it, and u can also find it on youtube (in 5 parts):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utpam0IGYac
take care hunny :-)

corcra-carraig's picture

I'm a B I think. I bought a

I'm a B I think. I bought a binder from Underworks.com. The tri-top one. it came in a small envelope, not marked much. I paid by sending in a money order, which I bought at my grocery store.

It works well enough, I bought the small and wear it a bit. Once fir a softball game...got hit in the chest and didn't feel a thing. I recently cut the bottom half off so it is more bra-like and comfortable, the extra fabric I can but over to make it even flatter looking.

I don't know my gender identity either....genderqueer is the only thing I can really use.

Oh, I pitch too. I hate it though and am trying to never to do it again, against the wishes of my one coach. :-)