Barbies Mattel would NEVER make...

PokemonGeek's picture

I came up with a list of some pretty ideas for Barbies that they would never make. I list some of them now and their description. Here we go!

Monica Lewinski Barbie and Bill Clinton Ken: "Bill Clinton Ken comes with Presidential desk (what better way to hide Monica?), Presidential telephone, and Presidential papers of bills to veto or pass. He also says over 50 phrases like, "I did not have sex with that woman." Monica Lewinski Barbie comes with real sucking action and a little blue dress with a "Mystery Stain." Batteries not included!"

Crazy Cat Lady Barbie: "Crazy Cat Lady Barbie comes with all 10,000 cats inside the trademark box with Barbie's hand pressed against the plastic to prove that she's in there! Cat food and litter boxes sold separately."

Nuclear Plant Employee Barbie: "Comes with REAL glow in the dark raditation and balding action! Push the button and watch her beautiful hair fall out! (In extremely tiny and fine print) *Mattel is not responsible for any cancer or other health related tragedy due to this product. So HA! You can't sue us!"

Comments

dykehalo's picture

Love the

Love the ideas!!!!!!!
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

gaynow's picture

And of course...

Butch Barbie™ and Femme Barbie™ boxed set, complete with sex toys!

dykehalo's picture

OH god that's great!!! I

OH god that's great!!! I want a butch and femme Barbie...
can we also have a drag queen barbie??
~~~Fear is only a verb if you let it be.. don't you dare let go of my hand~~~

gaynow's picture

You mean Barb--oh, wait,

You mean Barb--oh, wait, it's Drag Queen Ken!

PokemonGeek's picture

But wait!

I have more!

Anorexic Barbie: "2x skinnier than normal Barbies, Anorexic Barbie is so thin you can see her ribs from all the malnutrition she's been getting! And push the button on her back for the water spraying "self-induced" vomiting! Not even Kelly's or baby Crissy (the LAST sister that Mattel gave her) will fit perfectly! What a great educational toy!"

Pamela Anderson Lee Barbie: "Comes with real magnetic breast implants! Make them as big as you want! *Disclaimer* We are NOT responsible for the damage to any article of Barbie's waredrobe. We don't care if she had a "waredrobe malfunction" while on a date with your Justin Tmberlake or whoever the heck you girls have a crush on nonow! It's YOUR fault for making them so big!"

Steroids Fun Ken: "Comes a toy vial full of testoterone, dozens of play needles, a bio-hazardous waste bin, and 10 ton weight lifting bench set. Give Ken a shot and watch his muscles grow twice as big as the last time he had a 'roid shot and his manhood shrink! *Wink wink ;) *"

I'll post some more at another time!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love
I'm open and ready
~Madonna

Inkblot's picture

Drag queen Barbie...

Comes complete with sequins and size 16 heels.

But come to think of it, Barbie strikes me as a sort of drag queen anyway. Hm.

Do I shock you darling?
-Sally Bowles, Cabaret

Neutrina's picture

How about...

Dominatrix Barbie? Comes complete with whips and handcuffs. Sub Ken sold separately

"She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for"
-The Click Five "Just the Girl"

PokemonGeek's picture

Had one similar to that

Had one similar to that except the gift set was called "Sex Is FUN! Barbie and Ken." They come dressed in skin tight leather catsuits (a la Madonna's "Human Nature" video) and comes with both having whip slinging action, a gag, a love swing, sex toys including a REAL working mini vibrator (all the better for Barbie and Ken to have fun with each other!), and both moan and have real sucking action! Ken and Barbie some extra special places to let's just say have a great party with all their friends! Batteries sold separately!

Poor is the man
Whose pleasures depend
On the permission of another
Love me, that's right, love me
I wanna be your baby
Wanting, needing, waiting
For you to justify my love
Hoping, praying
For you to justify my love
I'm open and ready
~Madonna