Since this was the last weekend to have an overnighter before we went on our vacations, C and I hung out Friday/Saturday. Y and S couldn't come [although S did later for a bit] and remember C saying she was glad it was just us so we could talk. We watched Wayne's World, S came over for an hour or less, then we watched the Science of Sleep. Not a word about her liking me was really mentioned.
Two in the morning rolled around and we went to bed and shut off the lights. That's when I brought it up. Me: "You said you were glad to be alone to be able to talk, but we haven't." C: "Yeah..." We laughed at the silence and I asked her "Do you like me right now?" "Yeah, lots." I practically melted, along with another moment later on where she said "I like you a bunch" and snuggled into me, and it was hella cute and my heart swelled.
I forget what initiated it, but we hugged, and it led to cuddling, holding hands, arms around eachother. We remained like that as long as we were awake. There was one intense moment where she had mentioned how lucky she got with friends this year [meaning Y, S, and me] and I fully agreed that I got lucky as well, adding "especially with you." And you know, I said it really soft and sweet, haha, the mushy effect. And God, that moment seemed so heated, you know? I said [with butterflies] "If you were sure, I would kiss you right now." Talk about heated. It felt like we were both fighting it.
Speaking of kissing, we talked a little about that. She said that the last time we were out at the beach house she thought about kissing me. "What?! Why didn't you?!" I mostly kidding, but we talked about how it would suck if we kissed and she still wasn't sure if she really truley liked me or not. And she's right. This led to the topic of vacation seperating us for over a month. "If anything was solidified, it would probably be better to wait until after we get back." I said, "You're right. Plus, we'd have something special to come back you." She thought that was really sweet.
Also [yeah, we talked a lot. Between 2 and 5 was just major discussion period. Maybe not that whole time, but a lot of it]... we talked about why she actually did like me. Pretty important topic. Although there are some factors such as wanting a boyfriend, already being close as a best friends, and that crap, ultimately she says she just likes me for me. She likes who I am as a person, that's what's attractive for her. Which is good, I believe, that overall that is the ultimate reason. But still..
I think that we have sort of broken down some of that "best friends" barrier and opened the "significant other" door. You know? That different kind of closeness that varies between the two. I mean, I don't think we're quite in the room yet [what with her not knowing if she really likes me and everything], but it seems like we're poking our heads in a bit [what with the cuddling and telling eachother we like eachother and being so honest about everything.]
I asked her how she felt being that close with me [physically], which she responded with "...good" ["Hah, nice answer"]. I said, "Even with being this close and having it feel as right [oh, god, cheesy phrasing] as it does, you really think this won't go anywhere?" "I don't know." Early on in the conversation she had said something to the effect that she didn't think it would . As we were embracing [uh...?].
And you know, it's really leaning more toward than that than her fully liking me. I realize that. I realize that despite how amazing our major cuddlefest was, and how full of feeling it was, there is still that huge possibility that she will just end up not liking me [again] and so on. It's still really wishy-washy. I woke up this morning and didn't know how to feel; excited? sad? anxious? Her uncertainty has led to mine.
Saturday we were totally chill. Comfortable. We went out for lunch and to Salzer's CD's, and then back to my house. We napped a bit, and were cuddly some more. Still cute and cozy. She stayed really late, we mostly laid around in bed, sleepy from only 3 hours of sleep.
Today we haven't really talked. We're messaging via myspace currently. I'm curious as to how she feels now... like me? not?
As you can probably tell, this situation is so confusing. One second it's like "Hey, she digs on me, and we could date!" and the other it's like "But she's not sure. And chances are we won't." What a mindfuck.
I hate this fork in the road.