bulldyke's picture

two in one night, i know, it's a lot, but i've got a lot on my mind.
i'm feeling bad, have been for a long time, for how i broke up with my ex the last time (see my last journal entry for that twisted tale).
i was upset (actually, i was practically hysterical) one afternoon after school because my best friend had pretty much fainted on me during school and had been taken to the hospital. anyway, i'm crying, and E (that's what i'll call her) can't...or won't, do anything. now, in my cooler moments, i know that she's had a pretty messed up life, and i KNOW that she doesn't like tears, i KNOW that people crying freaks her out, but just once, just ONCE, i wish that she could've pushed that fear aside for just a moment, at least to tell me that she couldn't deal with it.
maybe i was wrong to break up with her later that night (on the phone, no less, which i can't believe i did), but i just can't be with a person who can't even acknowledge the fact that she has a problem. i don't...i can't ask her to change, but i just wish that she couldn't said 'sorry' to me; said 'i know that you're hurting, but i can't do anything'. but instead she just shut herself off from the world, from me. later, when i thought about it, i remember the fear in her voice, and i think (hope?) that she really did care about me in that moment, but...
there are times when i wonder if i did the right thing. i wonder if i, if we, could've survived. because the truth is that i've loved her for a long time, and probably always will. there are a lot of things that i like about her; her quirky sense of humour, her smile, her...the way she can be so childlike, and yet so mature at the same time. but i just...i can't do it. i feel bad about it, because i wish that i could help her, but i've learned that i can't do anything until she's ready to. and i don't think that that day is here yet. i'm not sure if it ever will be, not without a lot of therepy, not to mention her acknowledging the fact that she might need help.
in the meantime, despite how many times she's hurt me, i still care about her. i still felt pride when she got no less than five awards last year, even though we weren't speaking at the time. i still wish that we could be friends, though every time we try that we wind up going out, then breaking up. and not talking. and then slowly easing back into a relationship, and, well, you get where i'm going.
i hope...i hope she reads this, and i hope that someday she finds someone who can love her and care for her like i wish i was able to.