ShowMeLove's picture

Okay I'm gonna have lyrics from the song Home by the band Staind throughout my journal cause they describe everything I've been feeling the past few days.

I force myself through another day
I can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can't accept this all because of you I've had to walk away
From everything

Litterally everything seems to be falling apart around me. My brother is a skitzophrenic and has many issues with my parents so he's been raising hell at home the past few days and it hasn't been fun. He is supposed to take medication but he only takes it for a while then he slowly stops taking it, starts drinking, then he starts fights with my parents about whatever. I hate listening to the screaming and yelling and I'm always afraid it's gonna turn into more, it hasn't yet but that could change.

And I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home

My sister asked me if I would go stay at her house from Wedsday to Sunday and watch her dog for her, because shes going away and can't take her dog and her dog can't come here cause she's in heat and my male dog isn't fixed, and she doesn't want anymore pupies. It would be nice to be in a change of senery but I'm now reluctant to go because I'm scared of what's gonna happen at home while I'm gone. I hate being under this stress of always wondering what my brother's gonna do next. It's not good for me nor is it good for my parents.

Another sleepless night again
Hotel rooms my only friend and friends like that just don't add up
To anything
And I try so hard to be
Everything that I should never take away from you again
'Cause I heard ya say

I'm up a lot of nights wishing that there was a way to get away from him, because frankly I don't want to live with him anymore. I do understand that he is mentally ill and going through a lot of stuff too, but I can't take the fact that I can't even leave my little dog at home. I don't trust him one bit, either he'd scream at her for barking or throw things at her or he'd let her out of the house cause he doesn't give a crap. Which means I take her everywhere I go and if she can't go I don't go, it's sad but I don't care I WILL not leave her with him. If he ever did anything to her I would never forgive myself and I WOULD do something to him.

I live through this
I can't see through this
I can't do this anymore

My parents are really in debt now, let me tell you that's not fun. A combination of things have put them in the hole, mortgages, new van, new roof, new windows for our house, credit cards, loans, ect. So now I've been hearing my dad say he wants to just let the house go, move up north and rent a small house and basically start over without my brother. Now I want that too, honestly I would love to do that, I mean a new house, new city, chance to make new friends and no more brother. That would be amazing but they probably won't do it cause I mean thats a big change. But he's talked about it multiple times so I don't know, I know he would do it if he could but I don't know if they can really do that.

'Cause I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I just wish I was back home

I wish I could go back home. Technically I'm at home but I don't feel like I am, this isn't the home I grew up in, the one I felt comfortable in, the one I was happy in and had sleep overs. It has become a house, a house filled with hate, anger, yelling and fighting. I'm no longer comfortable, or feel safe, I feel as if a fight could brake out any time now. I get depressive now and I never did before. I curse I never use to ever swear. I hate him and I never really knew him before. I just wish I could get my home back and my family back, that would be nice.


utter_insanity's picture


I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope everything gets better soon!

"Women in rubber will ALWAYS be flirting with me!" --Maureen in the musical RENT

ShowMeLove's picture


I hope it does too...today was better though, so it was a pretty good day:)

utter_insanity's picture

That rocks! I'm glad for

That rocks! I'm glad for you. :)

"Women in rubber will ALWAYS be flirting with me!" --Maureen in the musical RENT