i dont even know anymore

tayz's picture

yay for bi-polarness.
i really just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep
no apparent reason.
i just dont want to be here or anywhere at all.
it feels like everythings falling apart
but it cant be. because everythigns fine for everyone else.
nothings changed anywhere.
so its gotta be all in my head.
but if its all in my head that means i'm going crazy
and i dont want to fucking be insane.

wrote this last night without stopping to read any of it.
i wrote about 3 pages of random shit.
this was some of it.
i still havn't read through it.
i'll do that as i post it.

years gone by and we've grown none the closer
afraid of the weakness we expose ourselves to
afraid of needing the ones we need the most
we're afraid of everything we think we need
we're so created, pro-created
we don't know where we're going or what we want to do
the only thing thats gotten past are the words you spoke
'i want this to last'

words i never thought i'd hear from you
then again theres a few things i didnt expect
suprise after suprise, but theres still some things about you
that are so predictable
and every time i think ahead i cringe
because i know that when i see predictions turn to action
my body will freeze, eyes shut and heart break
as i avoid the image burning infront of me

i know its my fault too, 'i dont care'
apparently.
the reality is its killing me to see you
because no matter how hard i try there's always gonna be
people better for you, than me.
and its that fact thats scares me
more than commitment and needing you
more than the weakness i've exposed myself to
because the weakness isn't what i'm seeing
its what i'm feeling
and right now, i just wish i couldnt see
because honestly, i wish it was just me.

we said it was open and nothings changed since then
same rules but the games changed for me
im not chasing you anymore, or i didnt think i was
till i realized everytime i see you is challenge
to keep you impressed and interested
in someone as tiresome as me.

and i'm not trying to victimize myself
i'm just wishing that something would help
and theres nothing there except me and you
and of course, the others.
the others that dont matter because 'i'm your girl'
but you've gotta wonder, how long will that last
in a world like this, where sex and drugs and boys are bliss.

i'm not even gonna ask you to stop
because i know youre not.
but i could beg you to keep it behind my back
covered with black
i dont care how many lies and secrets you've gotta spin
just keep the whispers from the wind
'cause when i see you i want to see you
not the guys that you've been through
since the last time we were together.

its not exactly complicated
i love you, and i'm jealous
dead jealous, of everyone.
and its the jealousy that drives me to want to be better
but i don't know how to be.
because i don't know what you want
or what you're looking for
because i dont think i was ever it.

come to think of it, the whole time i've known you
i've put on an act of impression, to impress you
i'm not that tough or that fucked up.
i feel more alone than you do, i can guarantee that.
and sometimes i feel like giving up.
like right now.
but i know i wont.
because i'm too afraid,
of losing you.
even though with every touch
that isnt me, i know,
i'm losing you.

Comments

my three wheeler rox's picture

...

*hugs* i won't say i know how you're feeling, cuz i'm not you, but i'm bipolar and i know what it's like to feel that you're going to cry for no reason.. hope you feel better soon, mate.

I speak fluent redneck

Don't apologize for calling me Sir