I have these different characters that I cycle through for fun. I come up with them. I can be having a regular conversation with someone and then if I feel like it I'll switch into a random character, I change my vioce and my posture, it's pretty convincing. I convinced a friend that I had multiple personality disorder as a prank once. Now that I've got my hair cut so short I can brush it in a way so that it covers my left eye and I look like I'm emo. Now I have an emo personality. The night before last my friends shelby and lenore were sleeping over at my house. This year in ceramics I made this piece that's a skull on a plate on a table. The skull comes off so while shelby and lenore were eating dinner I went to my room and combed over my hair so that I looked emo, put on dark blue pants and a black sweatshirt and grabed the skull I made off of my ceramics thing. I walked around the house wearing that and petting the skull and saying in this really low emo vioce "I hate life". It freaked everyone out (in a good way)It was really funny. A little while latter I did the emo thing again, I only brushed my hair over my eye, i didn't change clothes, anyways, shelby, who I have a crush on, said that I make a pretty emo. It was so cute, especialy cuz she had her hair up in this way that makes her really hot. :) :) :) :) :) !!!!!!!!! It doesn't change the fact that I can't get up the nerve to ask her out. She says she's bi but she's always talking about this long list of guys she thinks are cute.
I have my big end of the year harp recital today. I'm really nervous. Last night when I was practicing one of the two pieces that I'm playing wasn't working at all. The other piece however was going really well and I'm pretty confident about that one. I got really pissed off at the one that wasn't working last night. when I get pissed at the harp I start crying, like I did last night. I'm really strange about what makes me cry. Whenever I get really pissed at the harp or at a math problem or something like that, I cry, even though it doesn't upset me as much. By the next day I remember it more like a bad dream than the traumatic expirience it would seem like to anyone who saw me. But I don't cry about the stuff that really bothers me, my gender, my dad (he's been seeming a bit better recently, he's started helping to design my school's website so he doesn't feel so usless anymore). meep. I'm just wierd like that.
I've been looking at boys a little. It's kinda creeping me out. I've noticed that some boys on TV are cute, very unusual for me. Also, when seeing a girl kissing a boy on TV I'll stare at the girl, but in the past few days I've taken my eyes off the girl and looked at the boy. I know this sounds overdramatic, but this is so unusual for me. I think I'm about to get my period and I'm always really hormonal around then so maybe that's what this is. Also, I've been joking more and more about how I'm "as queer as it gets, I'll never like boys" I used to just identify as gay so that I wouldn't feel awkward if I thought about boys, but now that I'm identifying as lesbian if feels wierd to so much as look at boys. It'll probably go away, but i can't help but think about how before I knew I was gay I pushed away the thought of girls like I'm now doing with boys. This is just what I need now, more confusion about who I am. Great, just great.